Monday, December 22, 2008

Web Links to Selected BDSM sites

Here are some BDSM sites compiled and selected by Bethanie Breen.  They are about RL BDSM but there is much that is relevant to SL too!

Go here to find a munch - limited to US
Munches are safe environments to meet people of like minds, usually in a restaurant in plain clothing.
My suggestion would be to meet people at a munch and if interested, find out about play parties from those you've grown to trust and ask them to invite you.  Usually regulars of a play party can invite trusted friends without much of a problem.  Please be prepared to have a doctor's diagnosis for the minimum being a good health record of the various STDs.

A list of good books to read if you're going in as a top... Don't expect, as a top that people don't know, to start kissing your feet because you claim you're a top.  To be a top acceptable in a community, you have to know what you're doing.
BDSM SYMBOLS:  For those people that believe that BDSM is ONLY about sex, it is not.  It has become a well established organized community with it's own culture and symbolism and meaning.
The start of BDSM as a society, culture and community:
One specific way a formalized relationship grows otherwise known as the Three Collars.
Examples of BDSM and D/s lifestyle contracts:
The internet has globs of information that is true to life... Don't get hyped by what you see on SL... Most of it is garbage and what isn't is usually jewels in the rocks... hard to get out and even harder to clean.  Thanks to the few I've met here that showed me that this is not so for everyone on SL.

How to choose a Domminant - Bethanie Breen

What is considered a "bad Dom/me"?  This question is harder to answer than you might think simply because the answer is subjective, rather than objective.  There are no "real" rules of what a bad domme is versus a good domme because the submissive in question is the one responsible to make that decision for themselves.  Some of the following things may nevertheless need to be considered.
  1. A Domme must know to have explicit consent by you before any play:  This is in reference to scening.  If you have a domme that wishes to immediately pop you into some type of roleplay without talking to you first or feels they have the right to just because they're dominant... Don't fall for it... Sure sign of someone that just looks at this as a game with no thought of the other person's emotional state.
  2. A Domme should know to ask for your limitations: A person that assumes that what they feel is right without explicit consent by you strikes me as a person that is not interested in you as a person but as an object to fulfill their kink without regard for your own.
  3. A Domme must earn your trust:  Please Please Please Don't give your trust away like it's candy at a candy store!!! Make the domme earn it meaning that you should have preset expectations of what must come first before you hand over your submission to them... At best, the domme will get bored of you and at worse, you will be hurt badly because you assumed something about them that they are not.
  4. A Domme must be able to supply your wants/needs just as much as you would be required to supply theirs.  Don't ever think the relationship is one sided.  Both needs to have needs and/or desires filled.
  5. Know yourself!  Don't blame a domme for assuming things that you don't even know about yourself.  Make yourself plain and your words and actions must fit what you need and want.  If a domme, with all loving intentions, assumes something because you were either misleading or untruthful.  Don't blame them for your pain when it comes.
  6. Know how to separate words from actions: A sure fire way of knowing if a domme is right for anyone is to make sure that the actions of the domme match the words she says.  If she uses few words and her actions are right, it is much more honorable than she which uses many words and her actions don't match.  Her actions don't match her words and you can bet she's got other ideas in her head than what you've been communicated to.
  7. Don't submit "yet": What do I mean by this?  Make sure that you don't give up your initial power to chose at the drop of a hat.  Study your needs, study her needs, find a compatability if seen... then... if you're happy and she is just as happy... tie a contract, knot, collar... whatever... no one gets married on the first date (unless they're high or something).
  8. Wary of the rushed domme: I tend to shirk away from a domme that wants to rush the relationship and tend to more easily let go of my trust to a domme that is not seeking so openly and rushed.  I feel that a domme that does that is more interested in a "name for herself" than in the relationship being built.  A relationship is never rushed from either side of the fence.
  9. Wary of the big family: This may or may not be a big deal for you and you may enjoy it but it is something to consider.  A big family leaves little room to work with as far as time alone with your Mistress.  Make sure, before going into a family setting (I would suggest no more than 3 anyways) that you and her will be able to have acceptable time together where both of you may be able to fulfill each other's needs.  The bigger a family, the smaller your place and gift.
  10. Treat your submission as a gift of very high value: The more you "cheapen" a gift the less value will be seen from it.  This separates those that can afford you (provide you with the emotional stability you need) versus those that cannot (players or quick satisfaction).  I am not stating that there is something wrong with having "quick satisfaction" if that's what you're looking for.  What I am stating is, if you're looking for more and settle for less, you're the one setting yourself up to get hurt.
  11. A wise man has many counselors, a fool only one: Be a learner... Don't try to be a teacher so much or think that you already have a handle at the position and gift you hold.  Ask people about the person in question.  Ask people what they think of a "hypothetical" situation. Ask people what they think you should do holding them not at all accountable for their opinion.  Get ideas from others.  You do this you should be just fine.
  12. Guard the Heart:   Don't go head over heals in love with a Mistress... Get to know the Mistress.  It may be that you may not be in love with the Mistress but in love with the potentiality of what may occur.  Wrong move if you want a long lasting relationship.  The person you're considering may have a completely different picture.  Let yourself fall in love with the person and not the idea of a collar.
  13. Know the worth of a collar:  A collar in real life or here has little to no value other than as a symbol of unrestrained submission to one you love.  Don't be so rushed for a collar that you miss the beauty (or ugliness) of the one entrusting you with it.
  14. Use your brain THEN give your heart:  Analyze your situation and all persons affected with a decision for your devotion.  Analyze yourself to make sure that what you want and what they want match.  Analyze your position to make sure that what you can offer, they are capable or desirous of receiving.  You take a collar and you're putting all your eggs in one basket... make sure it's the right basket and then let your emotions ride the wave.
  15. Be HUMBLE:  This does not mean to be a rug to step on.  This means that you must be aware that you too can make mistakes and that your idea of what a great domme is, may not be such a great idea.  Stand by your convictions but be able to bend at the ear to those that offer advice and change as needed.  You may not always be right, no matter what you think... Be sure of your thoughts but with reasoning behind it... Don't accept a thought as truth without sufficient reason to do so.  A sub should never say... "I think this way because It's just right for me"  Why is it right for you.  What consequences may occur on that path... Always question.
Doing these things you may not always find a "good domme" but you will find one good for you.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Exhibition competition decision

The exhibition seems to have given many people a lot of pleasure both exhibitors and viewers.  With one exception the votes cast for the pictures were widespread with none getting more than one vote and most getting a vote!  The picture of Jilly and om was the exception and got three votes (see above).  I am certainly glad at giving that picture a place at the Cellar, especially since Jilly has helped me a lot managing the club.  However I like the other pictures so much that I will use all of them, rotating between them.  I like the idea of the club's walls being full of pictures of the members - it is both touching and appropriate since I see the club as ultimately belonging to the members (that is who I run it for).

So many thanks to all those who exhibited as well as those who sent me kinds comments about it.

San

PS.  If you dont want me to use the picture as a permenant picture on the club walls, just tell me!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Exhibition of Members' Pictures Upstairs


There is an exhibiton of pictures from SL by members for the next two weeks (From now until  the 7th Dec).  Come and see, its upstairs in the ceremony space.  Also please drop me a notecard with the names of the 3 you like best!

San

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Announcement: Mandy and shaia are wed!


On November 8, 2008, Mistress Mandylynn Mayako, and her submissive,   shaia Impfondo, wed in a private ceremony.  The whirlwind romance has flourished since collaring a month earlier. They have both expressed finally finding true love, commitment, and devotion to each other, and wish to proclaim to all SL their marriage and partnering;  and to share their happiness with everyone.


Thursday, November 6, 2008

The collaring of Pebbles Summers by Miss Tallulah Breen

Will occur in the Cellar Ceremony room on the 16th November 2008, at 8am SL time.

San

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Eiko and Julya's renewal ceremony


On November 11th 2008, Eiko Zeffirelli and her beautiful submissive Julya Ivory will renew their marriage vows and collaring covenant as a testimonial to the endurance of their love and unfaltering commitment to each other. To celebrate this happy event, Eiko and Julya  are cordially inviting all of their Cellar friends to join to the ceremony, which will be officiated by San Mauvaise at the club's throne room at 11 AM SLT (7pm GMT), with an intimate party afterwards. Please RSVP directly to Eiko Zeffirelli or Julya Ivory by November 9. 

Love, hugs and kisses,


                        Eiko Zeffirelli                                                Julya Ivory

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Exhibition and competition - SL D/s Pics of Cellar Members


There will be an exhibition of SL pictures of you (and maybe your sub or Mistress) in the Cellar starting on the 18th November for one week.  Submissions for this must feature one or more Cellar members, have a D/s theme, either explicity or tame, and be sent to me in-world as a texture with copy and modify permissions by the end of the 16th November.

All Cellar members will then have a week toview them all and vote on their favourite.  I will announce the winner (or winners) at the end of a week on the 25th November.  The best will be then installed as framed pictures around the Club.  No prize other than (a little) glory and a place on the Cellar wall!

Enjoy

San Mauvaise

Friday, October 24, 2008

New Quality Free stuff from Nandana Singh at the Cellar

There are a number of plaques that give out free collars and other stuff down the hall by the freebies.  All from Nandana Singh (to whom many thanks).

Enjoy.

San

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Anniversary of me and my pet, Ratna Markova



It is exactly one year since I met my jewel of a pet, Ratna Markova, hanging around at the edge of Bondage Ranch.  Since then she has been my loyal and constant pet.  I count myself very fortunate to have the submission and company of such a wonderful, caring and loving woman.

San

Monday, October 20, 2008

Open Collar

Nandana Singh has done a great thing by programming a good quality free collar!

Open Collar is a free, open-source fully functional collar with full permissions. It has many features that collars costing L$100s do. From version 2.1 it also includes support for the Restricted Life Viewer.

Since there are full modify permissions there are now a number of versions, including a punk version!

These are freely available, for example from the "Free Scripted Collar" vase at the freebies section down the Hall at the Cellar or from the Cellar shop (http://shop.onrez.com/San_Mauvaise and press the "Yes" to show mature items like the collar).

You may pass it on to others, but please at no cost and with full permissions (please read the license notice that comes with the collar).

Enjoy.

San

PS. If anyone knows any other good quality free items that we could help distribute then please tell me.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Wash Room Facilities in the Dungeon

I am developing one of the rooms off the dungeon downstairs as a "utility room" for checking out and cleaning dirty subs ;-)


Thus there are facilities for intimately shaving and inspecting/cleaning your sub (sit on balls for the shaving bench, click on things for the inspection).


Also a machine for 'rinsing' a pet (also heating them to dry them), a hose (click on it) for hosing them down and a washing line with points for hanging them out to dry.

I am still looking for a good machine to 'spin dry' subs, so if you know of any suitable, please tell me!

Enjoy!

San

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Club Store on XLStreet

I am setting up a store to distribute free stuff and sell stuff made by members on https://uncensored.xstreetsl.com/modules.php?name=Marketplace&MerchantID=29654 (login to or select Uncensored to see most items). If any full member wants to sell stuff through this, then I offer this as a free service - I will pay them 100% of what they get in sales. Stuff has to be vaguely relevant to D/s or BDSM, of reasonable quality, theirs to distribute and at an accessible price. Contact me in-world if interested.

San

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Why Submissives Take So Much Time

by Eloise Pasteur

NOTE: I'm writing in the singular throughout this, because that's my experience. The same principles seem to apply if there are multiple dominants in a long term relationship with the submissive, or several submissives, or several of both. Similarly I'm writing with female pronouns throughout, but it applies to men too to the best of my knowledge.

INTRODUCTION
It's a truism of the D/s world and the BDSM world that a submissive always wants more time with her dominant. It doesn't matter whether she is a slave, a pain slut, a bondage babe, a maid, a pampered pet, or whatever other labels for types of submissives you know, they all (and certainly including me) want as much time with their dominant as possible. You might be able to find one or two out there who don't follow this general rule, but if you're a dominant you're going to need to seriously think about your time, and how much your submissive will take. It seemingly applies to anyone with the submissive attitude - if you know a masochistic top who likes controlling their pain, it might not apply to them, but they're not submissive.

Although I've known about this for some time, I've recently started wondering why. It is such a universal feature that I tend to think it's tied up with the submissive make-up - it's part of the package that goes with making us submissive. That package includes the desire, some would say the need, to give control to another as it's defining feature - giving up control like that is what makes a submissive after all. It isn't immediately obvious why this leads to desire for time, but I think, with a little effort on your part, I can explain to you why and how it does. This will lead to some suggestions for ways you could, whether you're the dominant or the submissive, change things so both parties are happy with each other in the long term.

In an attempt to explain what the time and attention of my dominant feels like, I came up with the metaphor of taking a drink. We all have drinks, tea, coffee, water, juice, whatever. We take those drinks because we want, and at some level, need them. (The survial adage of 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food might be a simplification, but it's a clear indication of just how much we do need those drinks.) But think of those hot days when, for whatever reason, you don't get a drink for a few hours. Remember how good it feels when you finally get a drink, even if it's just water? That's the closest thing I can think of to how it feels when there's time with my Mistress after some time apart - it's that essential, that visceral and that good and it neatly encapsulates the idea of needing time frequently, just like we need a drink every few hours.

The first place we need to look is not at time and submissives however. It is, rather, at a different, strong, human need: the need for attention. You see attention seeking behaviour everywhere: from a baby crying, to the pretty young things dressing to impress, to the desire to be a star, to the drive to succeed, to the stereotypical old biddies sharing gossip about their neighbours - gaining attention because they've got juicy news. We all have this to a greater or less extent. Being an exhibitionist at heart, I have some aspects of it quite strongly and expressed that way, even if in many other roles such as organising events, I'm more than happy to do the work quietly in the background. Writing is another way in which I express my desire for attention - you're paying attention to my ideas and how I think if you're reading this after all.

There can be passive ways to achieve attention too. I'm showing both my age and my musical tastes if I talk about Dave Vanian and The Damned. They were a British punk band of the 70's and 80's in the main, although still touring in the 90's and around into the noughties, although with a different line up. Dave Vanian is the lead singer. Unusually for a lead singer he didn't really want to be in the spotlight - the guitar player Captain Sensible took and still takes that. But, Vanian quite routinely appears in pubic in a gimp mask, hardly behaviour to make you fade into the background even as you hide your face. If you are into pony play or fornophillia (the fetish of being furniture) you might recognise this passive attention seeking behaviour.

I'm not saying that we all have the same degree of drive for attention, nor even that it's a single clear-cut drive: we can want attention for our minds rather than our bodies - Germaine Greer might be a good example; or we can claim we want attention for our singing rather than our bodies whilst acting in a way that makes the rest of the world think it's more about the body - Britney Spears (like her or loathe her) springs irresistibly to mind!

So, let's take as given that submissives in general, like everyone else, have some desire for attention. But, they're often not really forceful about reaching out for it - in fact they're often downright shy and reluctant to take the spotlight even when deserving. However, submissives in a D/s relationship do have at least one person with whom they can have their needs met, even those needs they're sometimes reluctant to express, or in extreme cases those needs they're incapable of expressing. That person would be their dominant. Stop and think about it a moment - whichever side of the D/s divide you're on, one thing that is strongly expressed in the relationship, however short term it may be, is attention to the other.

The submissive listens for orders, strains to use her ears whilst blindfolded to try and work out what is going to happen next, dresses according to the orders of the dominant and so on. She pays attention to every whim of the dominant. At the same time the dominant pays attention to the submissive. Has she changed her clothes as instructed? Has she knelt in the right way in the right place? When in bondage, are her extremities still warm so blood is circulating? If you play in a sexual fashion, the dominant will often play the submissive's body like an instrument - whether that's bringing her to orgasm after orgasm after orgasm in an uncontrollable succession or bringing her to the edge and keeping her there, then bringing them down, then back to the edge and down and so on there is an incredible amount of attention being paid to the submissive at this time. There is also an incredible amount of attention being paid by the submissive to the dominant, at least until the release makes paying attention impossible.

The sex-related times are, at least if the sex is good, not unique to the D/s crowd of course. But the attention the rest of the time by and large is unique to the D/s crowd, at least in the long term.

Think about your last long-term vanilla partner. At first you would notice everything about her, and her about you. As time goes by, that changes - you still notice sometimes of course, like when you're dressing up to go out, or you're planning to seduce her, or she's seducing you, but when you're in a rush to get out to work, do you stop to notice what she's wearing? You might sometimes, you might tomorrow after reading this, but it becomes a routine and you don't really notice: you don't entirely stop paying attention, but you stop paying attention every minute of every day.

That reduction of attention from every minute of every day happens in D/s relationships too, but here the power imbalance can keep the attention levels much higher than in a vanilla relationship. For example, there have been times Mistress has to work, but has tied me to the bed. She has sat next to me working, to some extent leaving me there to stew, or shiver if her pleasure today is more towards ice cubes. But these times occur when the work is lots of short bursts - reading RSS feeds, answering emails or similar; and in between emails she will turn to me and pay attention to me. It might be a pat, a tug on a nipple, a drink of water, slipping another ice cube into me, a quick chat or similar. Although it's not continuous attention as the pressures of everyday life and work interfere with that, it's more attention than I would expect to get in a vanilla relationship after over a year - rather than being tied there at Mistress' convenience I'd be reading, answering my own emails or similar, and whilst we might be in bed together, our attention would be apart despite our physical closeness.

Does this desire for attention entirely explain the situation? Nearly, but not quite. A dominant is in a wonderful place to, amongst everything else, satisfy much or all of her submissive's need for attention. She gets, in return, a different but complimentary return to her own need for attention. But that doesn't quite explain why a submissive craves so much of her dominant's time. There is, even when the submissive is involved in a range of other activities and gets reward and even attention from those activities, some very powerful way in which only her dominant will do.

Why might this be? Here a slightly different process comes into effect. Whilst to some extent you could argue that anyone's attention should do, that's not really true. This is borne out by the experience of longing for the dominant and only the dominant that is so often seen in D/s relationships, but is not unique to D/s relationships. In fact most of us, submissives or otherwise, don't crave random attention, that is attention from strangers (actors and pop-stars being obvious exceptions), we prefer attention from those we know, and more particularly those we respect, love and trust. In a healthy long-term D/s relationship the dominant will occupy a prominent place of respect, love and trust from her submissive. This is the crux of the situation - the dominant is almost certainly one of the strongest if not far and away the strongest embodiments of each of respect, love and trust for the submissive - it's certainly hard to submit if you don't respect and trust your dominant, even if you can submit to those you don't love. Because of this the dominant is almost always the person whose time and attention is held in the highest regard by the submissive, and when combined with the unwillingness to overtly seek attention from others thanks to the submissive nature - possibly her dominant is the sole person who can give satisfying time and attention to the submissive - and so the submissive wants this as much as possible.

COPING WITH THE TIME DEMANDS - THOUGHTS FOR THE DOMINANT
So now you have some idea why your submissive might come to expect a lot of your time. There really isn't that much they can do about it either. We are talking very powerful drives of human nature here. There are more powerful drives - to breathe, to eat, to drink - but the drive for human company, for attention is very strong. If you are going to have a successful long term relationship with your sub, you will have to learn how to cope with this.


There are, of course, some simple steps for the D/s couple.

Perhaps the most obvious, but in some ways the least useful: the dominant can just tell the submissive that she is unavailable at certain times. Whilst this is an option, bear in mind that for many D/s relationships the only real punishment is denial of contact so here, if not for anything else, it is worth explaining why you are doing this. If your submissive understands what is going on, she will accept it much more happily, at least most of the time, than if you just tell her, at least for this sort of issue. I am not suggesting you explain every order - speaking as a submissive there is joy in just obeying and there is certainly joy in not knowing what is happening in a scene. But this isn't about a scene, this is about the long-term health of your relationship and that is worth an explanation even if your power-dynamic is such that you don't have to explain. Although I think this is probably the least useful option it is, however, still good for short term, occasional things - remembering to give that explanation. If you tell your submissive that you're doing a demonstration to your boss at work about working in Second Life, the submissive should understand and happily leave you in peace without feeling neglected.

You can also consider ways your submissive can be present, but not interfering. For example, if you work in Second Life in a situation that is not really D/s friendly you could introduce a "best behaviour" rule where your submissive must be decently dressed, not wearing any bondage wear beyond collar and cuffs, and she must stand and chat with you by name rather than kneeling and talking by title. This may not work in your relationship and doesn't in many, but can work well in some of them. It can particularly work in relationships with a strong real life element - because living and working in the real world requires these kinds of compromises anyway - it may not be unknown, but it's uncommon to see a couple at work where one continuously kneels to the other and calls her Mistress after all. The submissive, even if not overtly submitting, is still with you and getting some of your time and company which makes her happy. In Second Life you can, of course, IM them and keep a side channel in which she acts properly respectfully to you, unless your boss is leaning over your shoulder in real life!

Alternatively when you are working on something where you want peace and quiet you can do things like set reading or allow your submissive to attend but stay silent. If you set reading, consider setting a quiz at the end and reward her if she does well. She will quickly strive to learn for you and to gain the reward which, depending on your relationship, could be as little as a kiss. You might also consider things like letting her choose her own clothes for a day, or the choice of the piece of bondage equipment you will tie her to tonight, or reward her with the knowledge that the next time you play you will let her orgasm.

Consider too how you can build time into the day for your submissive. It doesn't have to be much, remember the sips of water metaphor from above. Five minutes here, ten minutes there can help quite a lot. Log in and if you have control of her clothing tell them to change and what to change into. Get her to do a slow strip for you and then you dress her, or chain her or bind her in a yoke or whatever until the next time you can be with her. It's attention, and you can tell her what you're going to be up to. Then, on a day when you're not at work, you can go and spend all the time you like, and she needs, with her.

Remember too, that although you may not have the time and energy for a scene, you can do other things. For example, taking your submissive shopping can be a lot easier on the mind and body than running a scene with them. Most submissives, at least if you allow them to get dressed, enjoy shopping for clothes, and most of them enjoy shopping for new toys too - and even get a thrill from seeing toys for fetishes that they don't like and being asked to hop on them in the store. This gives them that little thrill of "OMG will she really make me do this at home" mixed in with breaking taboos in public, plus the belief that you probably won't start a scene in a shop but it is attention as well as some form of active submission which is just the ticket, even if only for a couple of minutes in the shop.

If you do go shopping, and you have the time, there is always the ritual of showing what you've just bought her too. Depending on where you shop, even one outfit may take some time - I recently bought an outfit with about 35 different items (and not just the same items on different layers) - demonstrating all the combinations of that to find the way Mistress liked it best took over an hour in which all her attention was on me, but she was just sitting back, watching me change clothes and discussing which bits she liked the best. I'm fairly sure this is lower effort on her part than an intense scene, but it made me feel great and gave me lots and lots of attention. If this had been mixed with play, and it can often lead that way for us, it could have taken hours if not days.

Another alternative would be to set her tasks. For example, say you'd like her to find certain types of places, and then spend the time required to go to the places she's found. Want to display your submissive in public, in bondage? Have her search for places that allow or even encourage this. Want to train her as a pony girl? Have her search out a few schools. If you keep your submissive in a kennel or cage routinely, letting her have a day free to explore like this can be a reward in its own right of course. Exploring half a dozen new sims or clubs to find one that you like can easily take quite some time, but it's time where you're not constantly as focussed as you would be in a normal scene so it is less draining on you, but your submissive will love you for it.

Or consider having her do things for you. Want to have a new bed and have a submissive who can build, or who can design textures for when you build? Set her to it. When it's done examining, and then testing, the bed can be a great spark for some play too - you're asking her questions about design decisions, functionality etc. and you're paying attention to her creative work which is always a great place to give her attention if she's inclined that way, and it can give you fun ways to praise, mock punish and otherwise lavish attention on your submissive. Be warned though: if you have a submissive who hates building, this isn't such a good thing to do, but you can almost certainly find something that they will like doing that it useful for both of you.

INTERMISSION: THE MAGIC OF PRESENCE
Being in the presence of the dominant is not quite the same as having their attention. You could be lying on your bed reading, with your submissive kneeling quietly in the corner, watching you carefully from her lowered eyes. You pay no attention to her, at least until you are done with your reading or you need a drink or whatever. This doesn't do the same thing as paying attention, but can be still be deeply satisfying in a passive way for the submissive.

Why? Well some of it is tied up in being with the one she loves of course. Some of it is that she is actively submitting and demonstrating her submission - you have told her to kneel in that corner and keep quiet and even if you're not paying attention in particular you're aware that she hasn't moved away and she's doing what they're told, and she will know that. Some of it is that hope that you will comment and give attention at the end of the time. Some of it is that hope that you will finish what you're doing and lead directly into a scene. But even when you don't, you started with some direct attention - you gave the order, she has carried out your wishes in a way that she knows you've noticed at some level, and you give her another order at the end, that she can go, at a minimum. If I'm with Mistress, she might or might not focus her attention on me - but if I'm not with her she can't so being with her is always better.

THOUGHTS FOR THE SUBMISSIVE
From the perspective of a submissive, you can also make intelligent choices about you and how you get what you want in terms of time and attention. This isn't always in your control, as your dominant may change things on you of course, but in general you can have some input.

First, and this is going to sound like a really odd one especially coming from another submissive, put yourself first for a little while. Think seriously about what you need from your relationship to keep you happy. Consider how, in the boundaries of the relationship, you can express that need. If you or your dominant work outside of Second Life, and most of us do, will an email on work days do? Do you want to give your dominant control over your clothes and dress they way they choose every day - which only takes a few minutes on their part after all, but which can be a continuous reminder to you of your submission and can also display it to others depending on your Mistress' choices. If your Mistress can get into Second Life for that time, you can strip out of today's clothes and dress in tomorrow's clothes with her: a short, but incredibly satisfying way of spending time together if you play that way. If you use the Restrained Life Viewer your dominant can even be reasonably sure that you're staying dressed, or undressed, as they chose.

Consider the dominant next. If your dominant works 14 hour days, she may well not have five minutes for you. Most of us don't work 14 hours days on a regular basis, but recently I had to travel for work on two days in succession and the days were actually 16 hours long. If Mistress had been around that evening I would have tried to be there for her, but I would have been really tired - if it was Mistress doing the long working day, realising that she wouldn't be there for me and accepting that would have been only reasonable.

Remember too, there is always going to be a tension between your life needs - work, shopping, etc. and your emotional needs - time with your dominant, love, attention, sex, etc. Whilst as a submissive you are, to a larger than normal extent about giving up power and control, you are still an adult. Sometimes as adults we have to take responsibility for ourselves. Even if you're in a total power exchange relationship you will have an opinion and will probably be allowed to express it about the balance of your life and career. Talking about these things with your dominant makes sense: they probably know your situation better than anyone else after all. But in most relationships, certainly those solely or predominantly in Second Life, the decision to go for that promotion or that new job is up to you. Or, to return to a shopping context, you know that you're running out of coffee and need to go shopping tomorrow. Your dominant has those same tensions of course, but won't necessarily find it any easier to make them than you do and if you're in Second Life only they can't send you to buy the coffee for them. But, because you are the one making the choices, you should be making choices where you are prepared to live with the consequences.

It may sound odd to switch from talking about huge decisions like changing jobs to talking about the time you spend with your dominant, but we're talking about something that could be long term and have a direct impact on your happiness, and through your happiness on your health. This is a big decision with the potential for real consequences. You should be able to expect your relationship to increase your happiness, and to some extent that will always mean you wanting more time and attention - although after a particularly intense scene or series of scenes you may temporarily feel the need to recover outweighing that!

Having done all this thinking, and planning on a grand scale, let's think about the day-to-day. It's OK to want more time and attention, it's certainly OK to indicate, however you can within your relationship, when you are feeling neglected. However, you need to consider this carefully. Are you being neglected, or are you wanting more of a good thing? There is no harm in wanting more of a good thing but if you seek more attention at a time when your dominant doesn't have the capacity to readily give it to you simply because you want more, you aren't really considering her and her situation. Although you may have to be selfish at times, you should normally expect to put the dominant first. If, on the other hand, you wait to indicate your need until you are feeling so neglected you have become miserable, depressed or angry, you have waited too long and you are risking damaging the relationship which is also not good for your dominant. You may like to consider code words, like safe words, that you can use to indicate how this is going. "Longing for time with you," could be the first warning that you're starting to feel neglected. "Yearning for you," could be the second warning, and "desperate for time with you," becomes the emergency signal that things are really bad - a bit like green, amber and red if you use the traffic light signals in a scene. You can, of course, choose words and phrases that suit you - but make sure your dominant understands them too. And, when considering this, think carefully about your need - you may want time today, time tomorrow, time every day, but if you accelerate from "love you" to "longing for you" to "yearning for you" to "desperate for you" in a matter or hours or a couple of days on a regular basis, I wouldn't believe you and your dominant probably won't either. You're in a situation a bit like the boy that cried fire from the poem - he did it so often when there was a fire, the people walking by simple mutter "little liar" and so he burnt to death.

It may be you, rather than the dominant that has the time issues thanks to Real Life - or both of you of course. It can be very hard, particularly if you are a slave rather than a sub, to negotiate ways to spend not so much time with your dominant. This would be a time to step out of role and honestly, but respectfully, discuss what you can do and what you can't do for her. Can you find 20 minutes a day to spend with your dominant? Can you find an hour a couple of times a week? This is probably not ideal for both of you, but maintaining the relationship takes some time and effort. When you do have time, you should expect to be wholly at your dominant's mercy, even more than usual, because she will have indulged you around your work time. If you really don't have time to give to the relationship, you should consider leaving it or changing the nature of your relationship to cope. It's not always the dominant that can't give the time - and the dominant may well not be too impressed if the only time she sees you, you are totally desperate for her attention even above her desire to control you.

CONCLUSION
It is almost certain given how universal this desire for more time and attention is that you can't, whether you are the dominant or the submissive, get rid of it. Hopefully the thoughts, ideas and experiences above have at least indicated if not convinced you this desire for time and attention is probably incredibly intimately tied to being a submissive and the nature of the D/s relationship - so if you work hard on removing this element of the submissive character traits you might well destroy what makes them submissive too - which is not really the goal of anyone who is likely to be reading this. You might be a submissive who doesn't want to be, but dominants tend to need submissives to let them express their dominant nature as much as submissives need dominants to submit to.

Given that you seriously need, in any relationship you are in that is going to last more than a scene, to consider how much time you have to give as a dominant, and how much time you need (as opposed to want) to have as a submissive. If there is a bad mismatch here, just as much as if there is a bad mismatch in the limits and interests of the partners, you might consider this a bad sign for the long term stability of the relationship.

As a submissive, you should consider how you can change to accommodate your dominant, and be understanding of the fact that she has other demands on their time. As a dominant you may wish to consider how you can change your activities in a way that doesn't significantly inconvenience you, but lets you give your submissive more time with you - remember simply being in your presence may help - and how to give her the attention that she needs in a way that you can afford personally and professionally.

If you can't change, either of you, then you may well find that the relationship falls apart. Whilst relationships have a natural life span which may well be shorter than a lifetime if your relationship is good in other ways, small changes like this may well be worth considering for the sake of the happiness of all concerned, don't you think?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Joie has left SL

Sad news... Joie has decided to leave SL. She said in her note:

"I wanted to send this out to everyone that I know on s/l. I have decided to delete my account. In fact, the cancellation is allready in, and time's a bit short.

Nothing is wrong, nothing bad has happened in r/l. I have simply thought about it, considered, and decided to spend more time with r/l, walking away from s/l. I will allways think about the time I've spent, and the poeple I've known and loved on s/l and smile. Thank all of you for every moment."

I wish her well in her future life. Although she played being a bit of a brat, and obviously craved attention, she did care for those around her. I will miss her playful presence.

San

Saturday, September 6, 2008

D/s and Abuse in SL

by San Mauvaise (with contributions, corrections and editing by others including Eloise Pasteur).

This is a piece about emotionally abusive relationships in the context of SL and BDSM. It may be that some of this is also useful in other contexts but was only written with this one in mind. Comments and suggestions of improvements please!


Short Summary


D/s (Dominance/submission) relationships can and should be free from abuse. Just because you are submissive by nature and have given control to another does not mean you don't have rights. A D/s relationship should (overall) satisfy both partner's needs and enhance them as individuals. If you are very unhappy in a D/s relationship then consider the bulleted "Indications of an abusive relationship" and "Indications of a healthy relationship below". Talk to other people in the same situation as you are, and see what they think of your relationship -- consider especially if when you do this you tell the truth or feel obliged to cover up facts. If it is abusive, it is not your fault and you have every right to leave, regardless of whether you screwed up or what assurances/commitments you gave.




Personal Prolog

I was in a relationship in SL, which I now (finally) recognise as abusive. I was lucky in that I was saved from it and myself by the love of people I knew. Even after it had finished I continued to make excuses for her behaviour for months afterwards. Compared to some relationships this was not grand abuse but nonetheless it was real -- it made me unhappy for a sustained period of time, caused me to significantly hurt some of my SL friends and wasted months of my life. There were times when I left SL crying or hid in my bed. This is despite the fact that there were wonderful times, that I loved her and she loved me. Although I endlessly forgave her for what she did to me (I still do) I later discovered that she had seriously hurt others as the result of deliberate deception. Although at times she did recognise what she had done, the habits of reconstructing memories and justifications reasserted themselves after a period and she has hurt at least one other person since. I have been so lucky in the steadfast love I have received since then which has enabled me to rebuild myself. If this notecard goes anyway to prevent this from happening again or reducing the impact of such people, it will have been worthwhile.


Introduction

BDSM and D/s can be neatly characterised as *playing* at abuse for the mutual gratification of the participants. However BDSM and D/s are *not* in themselves abuse. The point of BDSM and D/s is to enjoy playing without it being abuse. In other words, to give an arena for the playing out and experiencing of otherwise taboo sensations and emotions but in a safe way that enhances rather than diminishes the participants. Yes they often involve aspects of interaction that are also used in abusive relationships, but although some of the forms are similar, the content and context are different. BDSM or D/s is no more to do with abuse than paint-balling is to do with killing people. However, as in every other walk of life, there are abusive people in BDSM and D/s. Moreover the techniques and technologies used in BDSM are well suited to exploitation by an abuser, and a D/s context can be used to mask an abusive relationship.

Of course, in a way the problem of abusive relationships in SL is much less of a problem than in RL, because of the relative ease of walking away. In RL walking away can be a complex, difficult and personally costly business. In SL is often sufficient to simply making it clear you dont want anything to do with an abuser anymore, removing them from your friends list and moving to different locations is (if they stalk you it is a different matter -- for this see the appendix below). However doing this can come at *some* cost - the cost of the relationship itself, the loss of friends and locations one likes, the loss of items and (not least) the feeling of failure. These potential losses can make it difficult for someone to leave an abusive relationship -- hence the need for this notecard. Just becuase one can consent to an abusive relationship does not stop it being abusive!


What is an abusive relationship?

What is an abusive relationship? Basically it is a relationship where person exploits another in a relationship for their own goals or due to their own nature. Thus there is a basic asymmetry of satisfaction between the partners -- one person is basically miserable and oppressed whilst the other satisfies their own needs at the expense of their partner's happiness and sense of self. Outside of a D/s relationship this may be externally indicated by physical abuse, emotional abuse, humiliation etc. to maintain that asymmetry of satisfaction, but the thing that makes it abusive is the same in both D/s and vanilla relationships.

Within a D/s relationship there will usually, probably often, be elements that appear to mimic physical abuse (bondage, spanking and so on), emotional abuse ("We're going shopping, no, stay naked and crawl after me.") and the like. There is an inherent asymmetry of D/s in which there is a controlling partner and a controlled partner, but the controller acts in a way that brings significant satisfaction, joy, self-worth and rewards to the controlled. The asymmetry of D/s is of control not of satisfaction and joy.


No relationship is perfect

Of course, no relationship is perfect and will have aspects or times when one or other partners are either miserable or feel oppressed but this is a mile away from an abusive relationship where this is the norm and the abuser acts to stop the oppressed partner rectifying or changing the situation. In normal relationships it is usual for there to be down periods, but firstly the other partner is usually concerned to rectify this, secondly this period results in communication about and/or adjustment of the relationship to rectify the situation (or else the relationship ends) and finally these periods are the exception rather than the norm. In D/s relationships there may be elements of play which temporarily cause feelings of misery and oppression -- most subs will choose to endure these (and then ask later never to do that again please!) - safe words exist to give you an out if it gets too much. Occasionally getting it wrong (so the sub feels oppressed and miserable by the play) will probably happen if you experiment regularly in play (and the Dominant doesn't get it quite right) but can also happen because D/s play is often deeply affecting so that subtle changes in other parts of your life can make things you liked last week intolerable this week. The same can be true in vanilla relationships where trying something new, or a disturbance in other parts of your life affects your mood at home even if you are not directly aware of the cause.


Abuse affects Dominants too

Although a submissive is obviously much more vulnerable to abuse, Dominants are not immune to it. I have known D/s relationships where the demands of the "submissive", accompanied by emotional blackmail and tantrums have made their life a misery. However, this way around is much rarer as a Dominant will often simply reject such submissives when they try to take over control of the interaction. One thing you should be aware of if you are new to being a Dominant: submissives will, usually quite passively, take up as much of your time as they can. They will want to be with you and this will almost certainly strengthen over time. This is in contrast to many vanilla relationships where an initial, infatuated phase often moves into a phase where you love each other deeply but do your own things too. Controlling this demand for time in a D/s relationship can be very difficult particularly if, as is quite often the case, denial of contact is one of the few genuine punishments you have available.


Indications of an abusive relationship

How might you know you are in an abusive relationship? There is no single infallible criterion that will identify an abusive relationship, however there are a series of indicators that, taken together, give a pretty good indication. However a common feature of abusive relationships is the self deception practiced by the victim. Thus the unfortunate truth is that if you are in an abusive relationship then you are probably making all sorts of excuses to yourself and others to justify the actions of your abuser. Facing the personal failure and loss implied by an abusive relationship is often harder than enduring the next bit with the hope that it will all be better in the future. If more than one of the below is true of your relationship then it may well be abusive - if several are true then it is almost certainly abusive.

  • Do you normally have a feeling of dread when about to meet this person?
  • Is there a huge *release* feeling of relief if that person seems to be kind to you this time.
  • Do you often leave that person feeling dreadful with feelings of depression, failure, self-reproach and hurt?
  • Do you often leave SL in RL tears?
  • Do you often seek to run-away from that person, hide from them, or avoid going into SL when you know they are around?
  • Do you feel better at times when you know they will not be around?
  • Is there a cycle of leaving them and then returning to them?
  • Does the person never seem to understand or appreciate your point of view, so that you spend a lot of time trying to justify your actions in terms of their view of things?
  • Do recriminations and blame seem to go on for ages, with old faults of yours continually brought up and gone over?
  • Does the relationship *only* act to satisfy the needs of that person and not yours (except your need to please them, make them happy, care for them)?
  • Is that person jealous of any friends you may have, however innocent those friendships are?
  • Do you find that you avoid seeing friends because you are afraid that this will always be misinterpreted by this person?
  • Is it effectively impossible to talk *about* your relationship with them at all? (for example if you do the discussion quickly becomes unpleasant).
  • Are guilt, fear and their needs the primary drivers of you staying with them?
  • Do you find that you are often defending the actions of this person to yourself and others?
  • Does the relationship tend to cycle around the same patterns again and again, where each crisis occurs but then nothing changes until the next one?
  • Do you lie about aspects of the relationship to friends in order that they might not think bad of this person?

Two D/s context specific indicators:

  • Does the Dominant regularly play in ways that make you feel miserable or oppressed? (this might not indicate abuse: you could be a badly matched couple, but it could be abuse)
  • Does the Dominant ignore use of the safeword by you?


Indications of a healthy relationship

In the other direction signs of a healthy relationship are similarly complex and difficult to capture. Relationships differ a great deal and it is often impossible to judge from the outside of a relationship whether it is meets the needs of those in it. In particular you can not tell in a BDSM or D/s context what the relationship is like by going by common social norms. Thus just because someone is always in chains or being 'beaten' does not mean that it is abusive (whereas this would be a clear indication outside of a BDSM relationship). Thus, as above, the criteria below need to be taken as a whole and not in isolation or generalise from a single instance.

Thus in a healthy relationship you should find that many of the below are true for much of the time.

  • That you look forward to seeing that person, meeting them is something you desire.
  • The times when you are in conflict are the exception rather than the times which you are in rough harmony.
  • That the relationship routinely makes you feel happy, satisfied, peaceful
  • That you are enjoying the relationship most times in the present and not relying on the hope that it will be better in the future.
  • That you are proud of the way your partner treats you -- even when in private (does not mean you would tell anyone these, but that you are still judge them as something worthy of praise).
  • That you comminicate with fair frequency *about* your relationship without being effectively discouraged in any way from doing this.
  • That the relationship changes slowly over time, adjusting to your needs at times.
  • That your partner encourages you to grow in aspects outside your immediate relationship, to develop and maintain other friendships, projects, skills and hobbies
  • That your partner shows substantial trust in you (e.g. to behave when not with them).
  • That when things go wrong they are quickly addressed and rarely if ever repeated.

Things that do not show a relationship is free from abuse

Things that do *not* prove a relationship is free from abuse include:
  • that the person loves you,
  • that they need you,
  • that you consent to the arrangement,
  • that you are in love with them,
  • that you care about them obsessively,
  • that they have good reasons for being as they are,
  • that they cant help being as they are,
  • that at times they are aware that they act badly,
  • that they often regret what they do,
  • that you are not perfect in terms of your care for them,
  • that they sometimes make you feel wonderful,
  • that you are not a worthy person for their love,
  • that you frequently make mistakes.

ALL of these can be true and it still be an abusive relationship.


Healthy D/s relationships are possible

Clearly it is my (and many others') view that healthy D/s relationships are possible, where the participants are able to express their submissive or dominant sexualities whilst fostering the mental flourishing and joy of both partners. In fact, it is my view that, accepting that some people do have submissive or dominant sexualities is important, in exactly the same way as accepting lesbian, gay and transsexual people is important. Whatever a person's sexuality, they have a right to express this in ways that are mutually pleasurable with other consenting adults, without that having *any* effect on their rights and responsibilities as an individual. Thus, for example, people should have the right to be a sexual submissive without that stopping them being high-flying managers in their job, or to be a dominant in SL whilst being the office cleaner in RL. Our sexualities are powerful forces inside us, they can lead us to do things that otherwise we would not contemplate -- hence they need to be expressed only where this does not involve abuse of others -- i.e. where such interaction is to the mutual satisfaction of those involved. One can no more cure/reform a sexual submissive or Dominant than one can cure/reform a lesbian or transsexual -- one can only accept and even celebrate their existence. All sexualities should practice safe and consensual sex and mutually satisfactory relationships -- D/s is no exception to this.


Avoiding an abusive relationship

Trivially the best way to avoid an abusive relationship is not to get into one in the first place. From a submissive's point of view this involves looking for a good and responsible dominant, a topic which is covered in a seperate notecard (Finding a Dominant). It is impossible to avoid all chance of this occurring as abusive types will often hide their nature in the early stages, being romantic and passionate lovers or caring and attentive Dominants. However there are things one can do that can make it more difficult to be taken in and easier to escape. Most importantly is maintaining and even developing friends, interests and contacts that are seperate from the relationship. Such social networks help in many different ways, they give a perspective on what is normal and acceptable in terms of behaviour, they can lift your mood and hence make you less amenable to oppression and they provide social recourses for when you need help. Secondly is deciding and sticking to a set of personal standards which determine what one would and would not do for anyone (including the person with whom you are relating). Simply refusing to go beyond these gives you an area of your life over which you retain control and limits the damage an abusive relationship might do. Finally the simple step of not giving out any identifying RL information is the most basic safety tip, this allows you the confidence that whatever occurs will be limited to SL. If you want to get to know them in RL go *very* cautiously and gradually -- wait 2-3 months after you have got to know them in SL, use safe email addresses (such as specially created yahoo or gmail accounts) to write, exchange photos, use voice/skype to talk, meet in the RL *before* you have given them your RL name, address and phone number!


Other reasons why a relationship may make one unhappy

If you are very unhappy with a relationship, this may or may not be because it is abusive. It is entirely possible to be very unhappy in a relationship in which there is no abuse at all. On the other hand, if the unhappiness is largely one-sided and ongoing, you might consider the above criteria as an indication of whether it might be abusive. The opinion of friends is often a better guide to this, but it is easy to dismiss the opinion of friends as having a particular viewpoint and easier to persuade friends that things are alright. However, if you do have any doubts in your mind as to whether your relationship is abusive, then do talk to someone about it. It is worth saying that any relationship which makes you very unhappy, particularly if it does this often or regularly, whether or not it's an abusive one, is a relationship you should seriously consider changing or ending.


What to do if you think you may be in an abusive relationship

If you want to leave a relationship at times but the person effectively prevents this (by stalking you, using threats, tantrums, emotional blackmail about how hurt they will be, socially embarrassing you, threats against your friends, simply not giving you time to think etc.) then you should seriously consider that this relationship is now abusive (even if it was not to begin with). You have a complete right to leave a relationship - doubly so for an SL relationship which will have little impact in the real world. You have this right even if you feel that it was you that you that screwed the relationship up or you who were at fault!

If you decide to leave such a relationship then, in this order:
  1. mute that person
  2. ban them from your land (if you have any)
  3. send them a 1-line IM saying only that the relationship is ended and you do not want to hear from them again (nothing else)
  4. remove them from your friends list (4) remove them from any personal groups
  5. remove yourself from any of their groups
  6. (if possible) move away from places you used to frequent togther.
  7. In a D/s context reset all scripts, remove all owner-permissions etc. on any attachments (collar etc.) you have used with your former partner.
  8. avoid any discussion with that person, especially those where you feel the need to justify your actions.

If the person stalks you or tries to make you SL life unpleasant then consider some of the steps listed below.


Steps to escaping an SL stalker

Stalking in Second Life, after you have muted the person, removed them from your friends list, banned them from your land and so on is still possible. It is, however, relatively hard.

That said, there are tools that you may have granted them the right to use that can do this. For example, many collars carry tracking devices. They will only report your location to a registered owner though, so clearing the owner list and resetting the scripts as discussed above should prevent this continuing. However, if you have ever given your former partner items for them to sort out for you, particularly if they are adept at scripting, they may have hidden scripts that continue to work after a reset. The first stop could be to compare the scripts in your version of your collar, cuffs etc. with the version in a friend's. Are there new scripts, or scripts with different modify dates? If you're not sure about this, it is probably safest to throw them all away and buy new.

If you find you are continuously stalked at home the chances are there's something around that's reporting your position. Return anything that belongs to your ex-partner (if you haven't already). If it continues seriously consider returning everything, even your stuff. Most houses are copyable, but you might need new furniture, or to find a friend that scripts and can check your furniture has nothing odd in it. If, after that it still continues consider moving. There are ways to check from your neighbors if you're there, but only if the neighbors will let them. This probably means your ex is friends with the neighbor so whilst you could ask if they've got anything there, simply selling up and moving is quite easy in Second Life.

You should remember the Abuse Report tool from the Help menu. Linden Lab staff are reluctant to get involved in personal disputes, but if you demonstrate that you politely ask them to leave you alone and they persist in verbally or otherwise pursuing you, or you can demonstrate that they are using scripts to stalk you, then this does constitute griefing and they will take action, up to and including banning the account permanently. Whilst your former partner may have scripted something to track you that doesn't get reset, it is unlikely they will have done so for a new alt they are forced to make if they get banned.


Some other information

Other notecards from the Cellar:

Emotional Abuse:
BDSM, Abuse and Safety:
(The below is mostly aimed at RL BDSM and online chatrooms, but contains much material relevant to SL D/s)

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Exhibition of Photographs by Ratna Markova


There will be an exhibition of Ratna Markova's RL photographs at the club from Monday the 1st of September. The photographs are from Indonesia, the Islands of Java and Bali taken in the years 1986 till 1998. They are show bits of the lives of ordinary people there. The exhibition will run for 2 weeks.

Please tell her what you think of them! (or leave a comment here).

(Sorry no male visitors allowed at the site)

San Mauvaise

Friday, August 29, 2008

New Chastity & Control Belt

The club's carin Bebb, is involved in developing and promoting a new RR compatible belt with a lot of features (see below). Its on (from now) for 2 weeks at a special introductory price.
Here is their official information.

===============
The T&T-obedience-belt
===============

By the T's

You like to obey, to hand over contol? You aim for control? You aim to care for your sub?
The T&T-obedience-belt is the ideal restrain to deal with both desires. It combines a highly
detailed and elaborate desgin with a wide range of functionalities to expose yourself or to obtain
full control. And of course it provides full compatibility with the Real Restrained viewer and a
user friendly menu which you may open from the chat channel.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The belt main features include:

- owner adminstration and locking system (primary owner is set in a notecard,
secondary owners are enabled by taking a key from the belt, others might play
with the sub if the belt is set to public use)

- control your Sub's in-world actions by preventing her from TPing,
editing objects, seeing the map or touching objects farther away (have you
once tried to open a door with cuffed hands? It might just work, just!!)

- force your sub to nearly any device close by. No "please, get on
the device or postball or" any longer.... simply select the target object and the sub will
automatically be forced to/on it and will not be able to stand up without
your permission. Needless to say: even after relogin the sub will be kept in place you selected for her

- ban the sub from accessing her inventory. Fairly common. Well, the belt additionally
allows you to attach or remove any dress or any attachment to or from your sub.
Simply store your favourite toy or dress in a selected folder in your subs inventory and
control these items via the belt's equipment menu

- up to six leash points to securly chain your sub to nearly any object

- remove clothes manually or automatically from your sub, prevent her from either removing
clothes or to change.

- attach a chastity belt or insert a dildo and/or butt plug into your sub and fix
them properly with with bittersweet chains

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And this sweet device will be available soon.
Sale will start at the first week of
september 2008.

It will be only available at

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Plush%20Enigma/157/227/22

As special offer, the price in the frist two weeks in september will be:

======
500,- L$
======

After this promotion, the regular price will be 800,- L$

If you need further Information, ask "carin Bebb".

=============================================================
The T&T Tools Team Aug, 2008
=============================================================


PS. If other club members are involved in other enterprises, I may be willing to (tastefully) promote it.

San Mauvaise

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Request for LMs to good relevant free stuff....

I am collecting LMs to free stuff around SL relevant to D/s, BDSM and the club. If anyone has such please drop a notecard with it in it and a brief description of it to me!

Thanks.

San Mauvaise

Thursday, August 14, 2008

A new story by Tria Telling in the Library

Club member Tria Telling has allowed her two part story to be available in the library. Click on the the "Erotic/BDSM Literature" bookcase to read them.

Anybody who has more good quality writing, please contact me!

Thanks

San

Monday, August 11, 2008

Wanted: sculptie turret!


If anyone can make a sculpted prim the shape of a turret like this, I would be willing to buy a lot of them! Would save the club a lot of prims!

IF you can do this, please IM me!

San Mauvaise

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Free pony score system

For keeping track of the scores in a jumping competition. If you would like a copy of this system please contact me.

San Mauvaise

Consultation about cellar rules

If anyone has any views on the cellar rules please send them to me. I am always willing to receive members' opinions (if expressed respectfully). In particular the rules that say

1. subs may not initiate an IM
2. subs may not sit on the chairs/couches unless invited to

Opinions please (though once I have decided that will be final until I consult again).

San

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Full Members can now eject

For a trial period I have give the power to all full members of the club to eject and freeze people in the club. This is to allow the easy ejection of visiting men. Any use of this against another club member is strongly disapproved of - and any "eject wars" will result in a temporary ban from the club. As before only club officers (owner, mother, cop and judge) can ban people.

San

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I anyone knows about the settings in an Intan dance ball.....

....please IM me. I am having trouble adjusting positions for the hug, kiss and spank animations for it!

San

Monday, July 14, 2008

Exhibition of Pictures by Arvid Xeno


There is an exhibition of Arvid Xeno's BDSM photos at the Cellar Club for a limited period only. They are in the entrance hall and are for sale. As a special gift to members and guests, the price is reduced to only L45 each.

San

Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Nook



On the hills, overlooking the club, is the nook - by the twisted tree on the way over the hills to the lake and oubliette. There is a place for staking out you sub, with a set of poses for the Domme, a fire, a bench with cuddle animations, a (darker) patch of grass with a set of romantic animations, a cage rezzor (click on the metal object under the tree branch) and a couple of universal leashing points. It is one of my favourite spots - enjoy!

San

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Any member artists?

I am planning to have a series of exhibitions in the entrance hall (to left and right). The first will be of Arvid Xeno's Work. If there are other artists/photographers who want to exhibit in the future (SL or RL), please contact me.

San

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

New poetry and literature in the library

Click on any of the line of books on the book cases. If anyone has any other notecards others might be interested in, do send them to me.

San

Friday, June 27, 2008

SL Pictures for the Club

I would like to put up framed pictures of members to decorate the club. These can be D or s or D/s couples. I will select some and put them around. Dont be dissapointed if yous is nor up immediately -- I will rotate them around.

Send them to me, but please remember to give me full permissions on the texture.

Thank you.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

There are some romantic "Pillow Talk"...

...pillows in the intimate room. They look like cushions but two can sit on them (or one).

Enjoy!

San

Monday, June 16, 2008

New sinewave dancepoles and dancechairs...

... at the club. In the lounge, the intimate room and the private theatre in the tower.

Thanks to a generous donation by denni!

Enjoy!

San

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Males, tollerance, politeness, etc.

Some issues have arisen between some club members, so I just want to make some things clear.

Firstly, there will be no toleration of racism in the Cellar Club, implicit or explicit, in any form.

Secondly there will be tolerance for *all* women at the club, with respect for all, regardless of their sexuality or role they wish to take.

Thirdly, the club is an all-women place. This is impossible to enforce in SL, but male behaviour and appearance is certainly not going to be tolerated (including use of penises).

Fourthly, basic standards of politeness are essential to many different members sharing the same club. This involves tolerance and understanding of each other. It involves not being overly aggressive or rude.

Club officers are empowered to use their powers to enforce these things. They are asked not ban or eject on anyone's direction or instruction, but first try persuasion and negotiation. If they need to use their powers they will do so only as a result of their own judgment. If anyone has an issue with any decision, first try to talk in reasonable terms to the officer concerned then, if not satisfied, with me. If I find anyone has been abusing or being overly aggressive with any of my officers I will be unsympathetic. They are human, and faced with aggression may make hasty decisions sometimes (I certainly have), but I trust and support them - they are very important to me and the club - I need their help.

I am not going to try and discover who is a male in RL (this is against the SL TOS for a start), and will not ban those who are on hearsay evidence. I am sure there are some at the club who are male in RL and I am equally sure there are many who are women. This is a difficult issue for me, because I want to protect those at the club who have suffered from abuse from men, but I also have a transsexual friend in RL and know that people can be born with female brains and male bodies. Just as many people come out as lesbian, Dominant or submissive in SL first, the same is true for transsexuals. However it is obvious that most rl-m/sl-f avs are not genuine transsexuals.

What I would ideally like to do is to be keep out rl-men as much as possible but allow genuine m->f transsexuals. This is currently impossible in SL. That is why I will concentrate on trying to exclude male behaviour. RL m->f transsexuals will be allowed if (1) they declare themselves to me and talk to me *before* entering into club life; (2) they live totally as a woman in all respects; (3) they explain their true status before becoming intimate with others.

I know this will not be sufficient for some, and I am sorry about this. I am, as always, willing to listen and talk to all club members on these issues.

San

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Finding a Dominant

Finding a dominant
by Eloise Pasteur

Finding a dominant can be hard work: just meeting one who might be available is hard enough. Of course hanging around in clubs and the like can help you with that, particularly clubs that have a BDSM slant, but of the dominants I've submitted to in SL I've met fewer than half of them that way. Sometimes, most times in my experience - just like dating, you meet them elsewhere and something attracts you to each other. The reason it can be tricky? Well there are more submissives than dominants around. Some proportion of dominants are happily in monogamous relationships too, so no matter how wonderful you think you would be with them, they're not interested. Others will be in stable, if poly, relationships and probably not interested in picking up another sub. I'm afraid, past the old story of getting out and looking I don't have any magic ways to suggest that will help you meet potentially suitable dominants.

What I can help you do, perhaps, is think about how to tell if you've got a good one or not.

The first thing to say is that whilst love at first sight is well and good (and has struck me in Second Life with my current and hopefully rest-of-our-lives Mistress) but that's not the same as diving into a full-blown incredibly in-depth BDSM relationship. And face it, full-blown BDSM relationships are incredibly intimate and deep and almost always quickly so thanks to their nature. In my opinion, you should both be happy thinking you will move in that direction and telling each other that you are thinking of moving that way, but you should both be willing to explore it slowly at first. Try thinking of it this way: at the point you swear your undying service to your dominant, you are, in many respects, marrying them. You can, of course, get out of a marriage, and out of a bad D/s relationship, but it's a big step. Even in SL, would you meet someone and marry them straight away? The direct parallel to that question is: would you agree to be their submissive for the long term on first meeting them? At some point of course, you will make that change. Humans being humans you will probably mark it with some sort of ceremony, private or public as suits you. This might be a collaring (although many subs, including me, wear collars from very early in the relationship without that implication of life-long relationship), or a formal locking of the collar, or an exchange of vows (whether including a marriage ceremony or not). It's that formal change from "we're dating" to "we're in a long-term relationship" that you're marking here, and the rest of this will help you think about the BDSM of the pair of you, to make sure you want it too.

So what is there to think about? Really you're looking for three things I think:

Can you happily submit to the dominant? This might seem very obvious, but people overlook it. I know a couple of highly respected dominants in Second Life, and respect them, but could never submit to them. Our personalities don't click that way. That's not something wrong with me, or with them, it's to do with personalities nothing more. Think of your friends who are happily in love with people you could never love, but do like. Does that mean your friend is wrong? The person they love is wrong? You're wrong? No. It's just that magic that makes for a relationship isn't there. I'm always tempted to say that I can't submit to someone I can't love. I can love people that won't take my submission, I have done, but I have yet to submit to someone where I didn't at least think I couldn't love them. So far where discovering more about the dominant means I fall out of love also means I fall out of being able to submit to them.

Are your interests and limits similar? If your dominant is into heavy pain and you aren't things aren't likely to be smooth in the long term. Equally, however, if you're into heavy pain and your dominant isn't, you'll get frustrated or they will as you don't get what you want, and they either can't give it to you or they make themselves do something they're not comfortable with for you too often. They don't have to be identical, but there needs to be a big enough common ground of common interest and level of intensity for you both to play often enough without feeling bored and feeling comfortable with what's going on to keep the relationship going. That's not to say, of course, that from time to time you won't have your boundaries pushed, or that your dominant won't push herself to do something for you that she's not sure about, but you can't do that every time, not and thrive as a couple. To some extent this also ties in with happily submitting too. You'll probably know quickly if just can't submit willingly to the person because they're the wrong person for you. But do the ways your dominant expects you to submit make you happy, at least most of the time? Do you get the right amount of attention, of time, of rules, of things you're told to do? Although the nature of these things will probably change over time, because the relationship will change over time, do you get enough of the right things to make you happy? That will, probably, start from having similar limits and interests.

Can you communicate with each other? This is very much on all levels. When you are in a scene together, do you understand what your dominant tells you? Do they understand your responses? Do the styles in which you write/talk work together? It can be massive frustrating to both sides if they don't, and whilst you might be willing and able to change, as the play gets more intense you are more likely to head back to your base styles and you may lose the scene that way. But it's not just there - can you talk to each other, in whatever way is permitted and desired between you, when you need to? Can you raise problems? Can your dominant drop out of role to ask how things are going and what's wrong when things do go wrong? My Mistress and I chat about work, our days and all sorts. That might not be for you, but if it is you have to both feel comfortable, and if it isn't you must both be comfortable without it.

These are the big three things to be on the look out for. If you find all three of these are going well, you could certainly consider a fuller, deeper commitment. However, I would also suggest it helps if at least one person in the relationship has at least a moderate amount of experience in their role. It can be either of you - a good but inexperienced dominant can learn from a good, experienced sub, although both of you have to be prepared for that as the power-dynamic in this case can flick back and forth within a scene - but despite saying it helps, it's not essential. You will both learn about the relationship as time passes - just like in a vanilla one you learn more about your partner over time - and if there is a willingness to explore, to forgive and to learn together then even the two most new to the scene people can form a successful relationship. Why, then, is there a benefit to having at least one person fairly experienced? BDSM has lots of toys, conventions, attitudes and the like. Whilst your relationship is about what works for the people within it, it can help to have someone who at least knows how to use the toys, what the conventions are and the like. If you decide to ignore the conventions (for example you call your dominant by name rather than by a title) there is nothing wrong with that - but it does help to know that it's considered unusual. Similarly, someone who is used to, for example, being tied up, or doing the tying up, can guide the other person to help them feel more confident about it. I know, for example, I prefer it when my Mistress goes around and fastens each shackle, tightens each rope and similar and it's not something that a new Dominant is likely to think of without prompting, nor that an inexperienced sub would necessarily think to ask for. (I sometimes like being thrown over a bench and quickly strapped down and have other things done too, but as a default setting, being securely and more slowly fastened in works better for me.) Having someone in the partnership with some experience so they can suggest "Maybe like this" at least in the early days can help you both learn and grow together.

Sadly there really aren't hard and fast rules. If it works for you, good luck to you. What works for you may creep me out, or may make me jealous, or anywhere in-between, but the main thing is that it works for you, and makes you happy. That's what it's all about.

Comments and suggestions for improvements to me please! :-)
San Mauvaise