Monday, December 22, 2008

How to choose a Domminant - Bethanie Breen

What is considered a "bad Dom/me"?  This question is harder to answer than you might think simply because the answer is subjective, rather than objective.  There are no "real" rules of what a bad domme is versus a good domme because the submissive in question is the one responsible to make that decision for themselves.  Some of the following things may nevertheless need to be considered.
  1. A Domme must know to have explicit consent by you before any play:  This is in reference to scening.  If you have a domme that wishes to immediately pop you into some type of roleplay without talking to you first or feels they have the right to just because they're dominant... Don't fall for it... Sure sign of someone that just looks at this as a game with no thought of the other person's emotional state.
  2. A Domme should know to ask for your limitations: A person that assumes that what they feel is right without explicit consent by you strikes me as a person that is not interested in you as a person but as an object to fulfill their kink without regard for your own.
  3. A Domme must earn your trust:  Please Please Please Don't give your trust away like it's candy at a candy store!!! Make the domme earn it meaning that you should have preset expectations of what must come first before you hand over your submission to them... At best, the domme will get bored of you and at worse, you will be hurt badly because you assumed something about them that they are not.
  4. A Domme must be able to supply your wants/needs just as much as you would be required to supply theirs.  Don't ever think the relationship is one sided.  Both needs to have needs and/or desires filled.
  5. Know yourself!  Don't blame a domme for assuming things that you don't even know about yourself.  Make yourself plain and your words and actions must fit what you need and want.  If a domme, with all loving intentions, assumes something because you were either misleading or untruthful.  Don't blame them for your pain when it comes.
  6. Know how to separate words from actions: A sure fire way of knowing if a domme is right for anyone is to make sure that the actions of the domme match the words she says.  If she uses few words and her actions are right, it is much more honorable than she which uses many words and her actions don't match.  Her actions don't match her words and you can bet she's got other ideas in her head than what you've been communicated to.
  7. Don't submit "yet": What do I mean by this?  Make sure that you don't give up your initial power to chose at the drop of a hat.  Study your needs, study her needs, find a compatability if seen... then... if you're happy and she is just as happy... tie a contract, knot, collar... whatever... no one gets married on the first date (unless they're high or something).
  8. Wary of the rushed domme: I tend to shirk away from a domme that wants to rush the relationship and tend to more easily let go of my trust to a domme that is not seeking so openly and rushed.  I feel that a domme that does that is more interested in a "name for herself" than in the relationship being built.  A relationship is never rushed from either side of the fence.
  9. Wary of the big family: This may or may not be a big deal for you and you may enjoy it but it is something to consider.  A big family leaves little room to work with as far as time alone with your Mistress.  Make sure, before going into a family setting (I would suggest no more than 3 anyways) that you and her will be able to have acceptable time together where both of you may be able to fulfill each other's needs.  The bigger a family, the smaller your place and gift.
  10. Treat your submission as a gift of very high value: The more you "cheapen" a gift the less value will be seen from it.  This separates those that can afford you (provide you with the emotional stability you need) versus those that cannot (players or quick satisfaction).  I am not stating that there is something wrong with having "quick satisfaction" if that's what you're looking for.  What I am stating is, if you're looking for more and settle for less, you're the one setting yourself up to get hurt.
  11. A wise man has many counselors, a fool only one: Be a learner... Don't try to be a teacher so much or think that you already have a handle at the position and gift you hold.  Ask people about the person in question.  Ask people what they think of a "hypothetical" situation. Ask people what they think you should do holding them not at all accountable for their opinion.  Get ideas from others.  You do this you should be just fine.
  12. Guard the Heart:   Don't go head over heals in love with a Mistress... Get to know the Mistress.  It may be that you may not be in love with the Mistress but in love with the potentiality of what may occur.  Wrong move if you want a long lasting relationship.  The person you're considering may have a completely different picture.  Let yourself fall in love with the person and not the idea of a collar.
  13. Know the worth of a collar:  A collar in real life or here has little to no value other than as a symbol of unrestrained submission to one you love.  Don't be so rushed for a collar that you miss the beauty (or ugliness) of the one entrusting you with it.
  14. Use your brain THEN give your heart:  Analyze your situation and all persons affected with a decision for your devotion.  Analyze yourself to make sure that what you want and what they want match.  Analyze your position to make sure that what you can offer, they are capable or desirous of receiving.  You take a collar and you're putting all your eggs in one basket... make sure it's the right basket and then let your emotions ride the wave.
  15. Be HUMBLE:  This does not mean to be a rug to step on.  This means that you must be aware that you too can make mistakes and that your idea of what a great domme is, may not be such a great idea.  Stand by your convictions but be able to bend at the ear to those that offer advice and change as needed.  You may not always be right, no matter what you think... Be sure of your thoughts but with reasoning behind it... Don't accept a thought as truth without sufficient reason to do so.  A sub should never say... "I think this way because It's just right for me"  Why is it right for you.  What consequences may occur on that path... Always question.
Doing these things you may not always find a "good domme" but you will find one good for you.

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