Sunday, May 31, 2009

Basic Safety for BDSM in SL

I realised I did not have a notecard about basic safety, so here it is.


Basic Safety for BDSM in SL

Although SL is very safe (no significant physical risk, can always quit) it is surprisingly emotional.  For this reason some basic safety measures are advisable.  

This is not long, please take the time to read it if you, especially if you are new to BDSM in SL.
  1. Do quit if it gets too much!  I know this is obvious, but it is easy not to for reasons of pride (I have no limits, am no sissy etc.) or social obligation (I said I would not, she would be disspointed in me).  Good BDSM interaction will not allow you to get to this point - if its really too much, press ctrl+Q or turn off your computer/disconnect the internet (which simulates a crash well).

  2. Agree a safeword with whomever you are interacting with.  This is a word that will not be confused with play refusal (saying "no no" when you mean yes, which is fairly common in kinky play) - !SAFEWORD! is fairly unambiguous.

  3. Think about and declare your limits explicitly.  Don't just hope your partner will somehow know what they are - even if they are obvious to you they might not be to others, everyone is different in this.  Also *everybody* has some limits, don't fool yourself otherwise -- would you be happy stuck somewhere in SL for 6 months with no interaction?  would you be willing to be sold to someone else and then to another?  would you be nasty to your friends on command?  would you do things to yourself in RL?  

  4. Declare traumatic episodes. If you have any traumatic episodes in your life that even *might* be triggered during an interaction, please either (a) don't enter into that interaction or, at least, (b) tell the other about it in enough detail so they know.

  5. Don't reveal your RL ID. Don't tell information about your RL that would allow yourself to be identified (at least until you have known them a LONG time then do it gradually and carefully if you really wish this).  Remember due to the web and Google, information about you (your job, location etc.) can be used to identify you if you are specific and accurate enough.

  6. Talk to others. If you are worried about anything talk to others who are similar to you (subs->subs etc.).  This will help you understand what is normal, what is not, useful tips and what to do about bad situations.  If you dont have anyone else, come and talk to me.
Thats it.  Enjoy!


PS.  Safety in RL BDSM is a lot more involved due to the physical risks involved.  This is about BDSM in SL only.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Consultation about Cellar Gender Policy

Dear Members,

I am consulting about the Cellar's Gender rules.  Please tell me your opinion by writing it in a notecard and sending it to me (open my profile and drag the notecard you have written onto it). 


The Cellar is supposed to be only for women.  As much as possible it should be a place where a female ethos and behaviour reigns (emphasis on relationships, a caring and connected community helping and supporting each other, no instant sex etc.).  There are some at the Cellar with bad or even truamatic experiences with RL males, and it would be nice to think they had a little protection from such behaviour at the Cellar.

Here I must add a couple of personal notes. I have a F2M Transexual friend in RL (was a girl now a man, operation, married etc.), and through him I have learnt what they go through.  I do believe that it is possible to be born with a male brain and a female body (or the other way around).  I would like those who *do* have a female brain to be allowed into the Cellar.  Secondly several people who are very dear to me have arrived at D/s in SL in a quite a depressed state, yet aware of submissive urges in themselves.  I would like the Cellar to be a place where such people feel they can be themselves but within a community that provided them with friends, advice and care.

Of course these two things are difficult.   It is impossible to stop males who are just pretending to be female coming to the Cellar.  Equally it is very difficult to seperate those that are genuinely transgender (female brain) from those that just want to causually try being female.   It must be the case that a significant proportion of those at the Cellar are RL men, estimates range from 10-90%, there is no real way of knowing.  I hope its under 40% since if its above this the club's ethos probably cant be maintained in the long run.

Current Policy

The current policy is no males but with the following exception (in the detailed club information):
Although RL men are not wanted at the cellar, and no male behaviour/appearence will be tollerated (including the use of penises), genuine m->f transexuals are welcome, provided (1) they reveal this to me and discuss this with me before entering the club (2) they live totally as a woman in all respects and (3) they reveal this fact to anyone before becoming intimate (there are some at the club with traumas due to abuse by men so this is a sensitive subject).
The idea of this was not to make it easy for RL males who were pretending to be TS, so that I knew who they were and could keep an eye open on them, that they had to know about TS issues and processes and they understood the importance of not being intimate with others before telling them.  

My General Aims for the Club's Policy

My aims in this policy are several:
  1. To maintain a "female atmosphere", that emphasises underlying respect, tollerance, relationships, friendship, safety and mutual care/support.
  2. To help provide a home (to the limited extent possible a safe home) for women with D/s leanings who want to avoid men, in particular for those who have suffered trauma due to their treatedment by men.
  3. To be an open, friendly, welcoming place that is simply nice to come to, helpful and inclusive to newcomers and newbies
  4. To be as tollerant of people's various desires and orientations as possible whilst emphasising the importance of safety and care
  5. I dont want to even try to police the gender of those at the club, or have to investigage claims about an av's sex if there is not incident or noone is harmed (quite apart from this being against the SL TOS).  Rather I would like rules etc. that encourages the self-selection of those who frequent the place.

The Consultation

I am asking members what they think of the current policy, as well as if and how they think it should be changed.  

Some particular issues:
  • Should the TS males at the club declare this in their profile?
  • Should we be trying at all to keep the club female?
  • Do people want to maintain the illusion that all at the club are RL female?
  • How best to keep the maximum pressure on RL males at the club to behave in a suitable fashion?
  • How to ensure the Club can protect its more vulnerable members?
  • How to preserve the ethos and atmosphere of the Club?
Please send me your comments!

Thank you.
San Mauvaise

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Getting over a bad relationship...

  1. Embrace Your Anger — “You were lied to. You were betrayed. You were fooled. You have the right to be angry.”
  2. Get Over Your Regret — “Kick yourself in the ass a few times. Mourn everything you lost. But pick yourself up and get on with it. You already wasted time — don’t waste more drowning yourself in your sorrows.”
  3. Hold Steady — “Create a support network, and try to stay away from intense debates with those who betrayed you.”
  4. Be Cautious About Getting Back Involved in the Same Sort of Relationship — “Even if you still believe that it is worthwhile or what you want, you should probably take it easy, at least for a while. Otherwise, you may be setting yourself up for a pattern of involvement, disillusionment, and disbelief.”
  5. Life Your Life in Color — “Life without can be a marvelous, beautiful thing. I urge you to take the opportunity to do things you couldn’t or wouldn’t do before, when and how you can.”
Culled and adapted from From Shuggi's Blog at:

To which I would add (based on my own experience):
  • Meet with and interact with friends — don't spend all your time moping on your own (and SL wandering on your own can be very depressing).
  • Start a new project, SL skill, or exploration — new things and even relationships can grow out of doing something new, and its imporetant to feel you are making some progress, somehow.
  • Help and empathise with others who have lost someone — this not only helps them, but its something that feels real even if you are a bit down.
  • Get outside — yes the RL outside each day.
  • Don't beat up on yourself too much if you are not achieving and seem to be just wandering — you are not, recovering from a bad relationship takes some personal space and time.