Saturday, March 22, 2014

Discussion - Hitchhiker's Guide to D/s Part Deux 19/3/2014

First... So what is this D/s thing anyway?
 the definition mousey gave was... a set of activities, whether sexual or no, that involve the exchanging of power between two consenting people.
Second... How to succeed in finding a Mistress/subbie (without really trying)
Third... Released! How to cope with a breakup

[18:02]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): i want to start right on time
[18:02]  Mermaid Stormcrow: excellent
[18:02]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): and cover some questions that we worked with last night
[18:02]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): but lex-icon didn't get to chime in on them all :)
[18:02]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): First... So what is this D/s thing anyway?
[18:03]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): this is an open discussion because i am not a pro
[18:03]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: well D comes after C
[18:03]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): the pro is sitting behind me :)
[18:03]  Mermaid Stormcrow smiles
[18:03]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): So anyone can add their 2 cents?
[18:03]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): yes'm
[18:04]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): what is it generally
[18:04]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): because we know it differs individually
[18:04]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): and relationally
[18:04]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): A relationship involving bondage :)
[18:04]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): *dingdingding :)
[18:05]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): the definition mousey gave was... a set of activities, whether sexual or no, that involve the exchanging of power between two consenting people.
[18:05]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): I call it D/s..... aka power exchange
[18:05]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): voila
[18:05]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): it does not need to involve Bondage
[18:05]  Lex Berchot: I would say a D/s relationship is a relationship between a dominant and submissive that involves a certain element of power exchange between two consenting adults. D/s may include activities in bdsm but does not need to.
[18:06]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): true...BDSM can be broken up into many types of kink
[18:06]  Mermaid Stormcrow: exactly, and nor does it have to include sex.
[18:06]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Agreed.
[18:07]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): there are as many different definitions as there are relationships, yet a power exchange is there either for a scene and/or lifestyle
[18:07]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): In my definition, ideally, the submissive enjoys giving up of control to the toher, and the other ... dominant... enjoys fulfilling the desires/needs of the submissive
[18:07]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): would any of you like to share an example
[18:07]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): yes Miss Julie
[18:08]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Example of?
[18:08]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): D/s
[18:09]  Lex Berchot: My relationship with my Mistress is one such example, but there is too much involved there to type it all out here.
[18:09]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): It can be very detailed examples lol.
[18:09]  Mermaid Stormcrow: a very simple one, is that I enjoy a good cup of tea, and to have my sub have that prepared for me, and serve, without asking.
[18:09]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: that is lovely Miss Mer
[18:10]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Very nice Mermaid.
[18:10]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): I like to just have a girl of mine to dance with, talk casually with, enjoying our company
[18:10]  Goddess Athena (athena0926): That is what I was trying to find too.
[18:10]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): to me, that is D/s as I am the one in charge... it is ... caring and lloving
[18:11]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: D/s must be caring and loving above all
[18:11]  Lex Berchot: Okay, slightly more detailed examples; the ritual I have with my Mistress on greeting her (which involves kissing her feet,and a curtsy) to the ritual at bedtime which involves reciting a certain part of my rules
[18:11]  Mermaid Stormcrow: what a lovely example, Lex.
[18:11]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Rituals can be very important. They show a dedication.
[18:11]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): excellent these are helpful
[18:12]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): There must be trust and caring and respect between the two
[18:12]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): and that takes time and communication
[18:12]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): else there really cannot be anything deeper
[18:13]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): That is the mistake many make...they jump in before becoming friends first.
[18:13]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): we were just giving examples of D/s relationships as they can be varied
[18:13]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): What about respect. Calling Miss and Sir?
[18:14]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): yes that's is in the community as well
[18:14]  Lex Berchot: Controversial Opinion: I don't believe you necessarily need to become friends first with your Mistress/Master before committing to a D/s relationship.
[18:14]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: respect is earned
[18:14]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): we haven't discussed the D/s community
[18:14]  Lex Berchot: What you do need, is to make sure that you have other interest besides D/s and develop those, and make time for those.
[18:15]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): What I call friendship..... is what others would call keeping the lines of communication opeon
[18:15]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov) nods
[18:15]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): what are some ways to keep lines open?
[18:16]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): i really liked a confession time i had with a Mistress
[18:16]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): it was ritualized as well
[18:17]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): some exchange emails
[18:17]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): perhaps aftercare time?
[18:17]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): You have to be willing to put in the communication effort.
[18:17]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): I feel that aftercare is very important
[18:17]  Mermaid Stormcrow: I need time with my sub, to cultivate open lines of communication
[18:17]  Liandra Hellershanks: Aftercare is pretty essential.
[18:17]  Lex Berchot: I can bring things up in world respectfully, I can write her emails baring my heart, we have google talk
[18:18]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): excellent suggestions
[18:18]  Liandra Hellershanks: If you find a top who is skimping on aftercare, doesn't know what it is, or isn't willing to do it, then you probably need to move right along.
[18:18]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov) nods, "i love my aftercare" :)
[18:18]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): And be willing to show attention in the beginning. Everyone want to feel the "connection" to be open to exploring different paths.
[18:19]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): The offer.... to stop with a scene... if there is worry....
[18:19]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Although I do agree some D/s relationships are better/more exciting without the "friendship" factor.
[18:19]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): that if a sub needs to talk, she can
[18:19]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): so this leads us into the second topic...
[18:19]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): Second... How to succeed in finding a Mistress (without really trying)
[18:19]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): or sub?
[18:19]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): oooo yes :)
[18:20]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: walks around the room holding up a large placard with the number 2
[18:20]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): haha
[18:20]  Mermaid Stormcrow: laughter
[18:20]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Nice Gwen
[18:20]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: giggles
[18:20]  Mikky Heron: unfortunately the numbers thing works against subs many times
[18:21]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Too many subs?
[18:21]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): yes the numbers and timing is tricky
[18:21]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): too few "good" mistresses
[18:21]  Lex Berchot: Too many submissives, not enough dominants and timezones
[18:21]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Well, speaking for myself, I want to learn to be a good Dom.
[18:21]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): yes statistically there are 5x more subbies than Mistresses
[18:21]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): timezones are an issue, yes
[18:21]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: it is the same as finding the right relationship in RL no matter what
[18:21]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): 5? I think I've seen 10 :)
[18:21]  Lex Berchot: But the number game is always stacked against the submissives. Whether that be RL or SL
[18:21]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): ok i'll go with 10 :)
[18:22]  Lex Berchot: 5:1 in RL probably and 10:1 in SL Miss Julie
[18:22]  Mermaid Stormcrow shakes my head in wonderment
[18:22]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): A lot of effort goes into being a Dom. A lot of creativity and often we are depending upon by the sub for many things. It's not always the Dom depending on the sub for entertainment!
[18:22]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): and some subbies do not like to be in families
[18:23]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Which is a lot for some people to take on.
[18:23]  εllεռ (ellenback) nod
[18:23]  Liandra Hellershanks: A lot of effort goes into topping, yes.
[18:23]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): eep
[18:23]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: more effort than a lot of subs realise
[18:23]  εllεռ (ellenback): I see it as an investment
[18:23]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): If a top isn't good at keeping the flow, the scene falls apart.
[18:24]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): So, how do you find a good Dom/sub?
[18:24]  Mikky Heron: in the pony world we have a decent coping mechanism for the ratio issue.. trainers typically train lots of ponies.. so a trainer can spread the attention around more easily that some other forms of D/s
[18:24]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: unless the sub is skilled at guiding
[18:24]  Liandra Hellershanks: The world's smallest violin playing for the tops of the world, right? But it's true. It's usually up to the more dominant partner to set the pace, to come up with ideas, and so on.
[18:25]  εllεռ (ellenback): the responsibility of care and attention also
[18:25]  Liandra Hellershanks: Not that bottoming isn't without its own challenges and difficulties.
[18:25]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Bottoming is more emotional?!
[18:26]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: looks at my bottom to see what it's challenge is
[18:26]  εllεռ (ellenback): I think that depends on the individual
[18:26]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Topping is mental?!... (I think we are mental sometimes lol)
[18:26]  Liandra Hellershanks: Topping can be be pretty emotional, too.
[18:26]  εllεռ (ellenback): again same
[18:26]  Lex Berchot: Most tops are m... not going there ;)
[18:26]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Be open Lex.
[18:26]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): Topping is a huge responsibility
[18:26]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): so what about new Dommes and submissives
[18:26]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: so is being sub a huge responsibility
[18:27]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): takes a lot of effort
[18:27]  Mermaid Stormcrow: What about us, tessa?
[18:27]  εllεռ (ellenback): both are but it's wrong to presume one is harder than the other as no two dynamic as the same
[18:27]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): i think i am safe to say that most submissives expect dommes to lead a scene, to know the equipment
[18:27]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): for that, I agree
[18:27]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Coming from a sub background, being Dom is a lot more intimidating personally. You have to be sure so of yourself. A lot of self confidence.
[18:28]  ::Nihil Animations:: Candle: the flame flickers anxiously, wax is melting.
[18:28]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: and it takes a lot of self confidence to be a sub
[18:28]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): and most Dommes expect submissives to be creative in responses
[18:28]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): IF you have trust, you can learn together. Go at your own pace, don't pressure it so much.
[18:29]  εllεռ (ellenback): I can't speak as a sub but I could imagine that a sub thats given her power will be a lil frustrated that it doesn't get used or 'led'
[18:29]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): it is.... give and take ...
[18:29]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): yes Miss Ellen
[18:29]  εllεռ (ellenback): two ppl (or more) working mutually - emphasis on working)
[18:30]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): each gives and takes a different component of the relationship
[18:30]  εllεռ (ellenback): hmm
[18:30]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): i have read some advice that an experienced sub and help an inexperienced Domme, do you think this is true?
[18:30]  Mermaid Stormcrow: I find this.
[18:30]  εllεռ (ellenback): perhaps seeing that lack of contract should be used as a warning sign
[18:30]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): I hope so. :)
[18:30]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: definitely tess
[18:30]  Lex Berchot: "There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip away another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked."
[18:31]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): :) i love that quote, Lexi
[18:31]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Beautiful quote Lex.
[18:31]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): I love that
[18:31]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): so, how do we find each other?
[18:31]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): awwww
[18:31]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: you forgot a third strength
[18:31]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): We look throughout the community.
[18:31]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): we have decent profiles :) so we can be perved
[18:31]  Mermaid Stormcrow: get to know people
[18:31]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): from experience......
[18:31]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Hopefully make friends that can say "let me introduce you to"
[18:32]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): I'd say... first step is not to kneel in front of someone that is a mistress and say "take me"
[18:32]  εllεռ (ellenback): I'd agree on what you said about an experienced sub 'leading' as workable, the same is true the other way around also
[18:32]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): oo i love the introduction/matchmaker approach
[18:32]  εllεռ (ellenback): /chuckles
[18:32]  Liandra Hellershanks: Decent profiles help, sure. But actually just being around people and getting to know them is the best way.
[18:32]  Lex Berchot: yep and talking to them.
[18:32]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): hence a quick ad for The Cellar :)
[18:33]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): If you jump from land to land desperately searching you will be disappointed.
[18:33]  Lex Berchot: It's all and well drooling over a potential Mistress from the bushes outside her window, but nothing beats actually talking.
[18:33]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: the strength to admit fallibility in either role is essential
[18:33]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): Just be honest in your profile
[18:33]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): what you are looking for, what you are not looking for
[18:33]  εllεռ (ellenback): be selective, it's not a race
[18:33]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): then start talking :)
[18:34]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): No, there's no competition.
[18:34]  Liandra Hellershanks: It's definitely not a race. The thing I see time and time again that gets people (including myself sometimes) into trouble is rushing things.
[18:34]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Unlike many things in life, I don't feel like I have to compete with anyone to be the best D/s
[18:35]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): mousey mentioned that knowing one's self is critical before setting out
[18:35]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): I admit..... sometimes it takes a relationship before you know yourself
[18:35]  Lex Berchot: True Tessa but that is perhaps a lot easier said then done and because people change, experiences change us we never fully 100% know ourselves.
[18:36]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): that happens to both Mistresses and subs
[18:36]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov) nods
[18:36]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): If you wait for "the right time" you might be waiting a while though.
[18:36]  Lex Berchot: I know what I know about myself, but with meeting new people, I am also learning new things. Things I previously was not aware of that I enjoyed.
[18:36]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): so examples of how you found the love of your SL life?
[18:37]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): You should be someone spontaneous when seeking a mate.
[18:37]  Lex Berchot: Tessa: "Cellar"
[18:37]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): somewhat*
[18:37]  εllεռ (ellenback): Best person to be when seeking is yourself
[18:39]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): it can be disappointing if you are looking for a Mistress and she finds it is not her
[18:39]  εllεռ (ellenback): You've came to the right place :)
[18:39]  Mikky Heron: my best relationships are ones in which there is solid trust.. I know that the other person will not fail me, and vice versa.. for those special relationships, it takes time to get that (for me)
[18:39]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): haha
[18:39]  Lex Berchot: I met my Mistress years back at the Cellar, We started talking in pubic, and moved on to talking in private while at the Cellar to talking in private at her place, combined with shopping, dancing trips, talking, laughing, seeing friends and play and thinks progressed naturally
[18:39]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): I'm scared of that myself guys... but I think I'm one of the few that will grow to love Topping.
[18:39]  Liandra Hellershanks:  Switches who don't know that they're switches, or people who are more bottomy who think they might be able to get more action on top.
[18:40]  Liandra Hellershanks: But they find that it's harder than just switching things up.
[18:40]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): Pepole DO change
[18:40]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): thank you Miss Liandra, and Miss Julie change is a scary part of the D/s
[18:40]  Liandra Hellershanks: Why is it scary?
[18:40]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): which brings us to our third section
[18:41]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): Third... Released! How to cope with a breakup
[18:41]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Quit SL forever!
[18:41]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: holds up another placard with the number 3
[18:41]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Not, JK.
[18:41]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): sometimes one of the parties of the two parts changes
[18:41]  Liandra Hellershanks: Is that the scary part of change, Tessa? Change = Breakup?
[18:41]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Breakups aren't easy, rl or sl, bdsm or no.
[18:41]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: agreed Miss Tara
[18:41]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): well let's say someone changes in the relationship
[18:42]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): Breakups never are easy
[18:42]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): they want to be sub instead of domme
[18:42]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): yes... that can cause issues... happened to some very good close friends of mine
[18:42]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): or wants to be poly
[18:42]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Hopefully the relationship is strong enough to change as the people in it change.
[18:42]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): if we can change with them (*communication) it can work
[18:42]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): That's why I like to keep my options open and never say "oh I'm this and will NEVER be that"
[18:43]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): that uncertainty make be scary for a sub
[18:43]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): But I know many people are sure of their position "D or s"
[18:43]  εllεռ (ellenback): thanks Tara ;)
[18:43]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): If you are s and your D decides to be an s you have options.
[18:44]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): o0
[18:44]  Liandra Hellershanks: Well. Wow. There's a lot there. It sounds like you are talking about really abrupt changes.
[18:44]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): yes Miss Liandra
[18:44]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): probably one of the worst cases
[18:44]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): :(
[18:44]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): or perhaps abrupt to the second party
[18:44]  εllεռ (ellenback): hb
[18:44]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Abrupt is bad and will throw things for a loop. Slow, natural changes (not jumping into things) are easier to adjust to.
[18:45]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): So when do we decide it's time to leave?
[18:45]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): i agree Miss Tara
[18:45]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Just because you feel like you don't want to top anymore one day, doesn't mean you should change your whole lifestyle.
[18:45]  Goddess Athena (athena0926): Yes I agree sudden changes throw ppl off.
[18:45]  εllεռ (ellenback): when you've reached your cut off point and exhausted possibilities
[18:45]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Take time to make sure you want a change, communicate and see how it works.
[18:45]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Agreed Ellen.
[18:46]  εllεռ (ellenback): Nothing worse than lying to yourself it still works when it doesn't as you'll only let everyone down, yourself included
[18:46]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): I was sub many years ago and didn't just wake up thinking I wanted to change. It was a slow process. One that I'm only now taking seriously.
[18:47]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): If someone is wishy-washy, you should probably move on anyway.
[18:47]  Liandra Hellershanks: I think if I were in a relationship with someone and we weren't in an open or polyamorous relationship, and they suddenly wanted that, I'd be suspicious. Just like if someone suddenly wanted to change from dominant to submissive or vice versa. It would give me pause and suggest an underlying instability that would be the biggest problem to me.
[18:47]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): yes many Tops started as Bottoms, some intentionally some not
[18:47]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): so sudden change we are wary of
[18:48]  Liandra Hellershanks: I would be, yes.
[18:48]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Yeah, that's just bad form.
[18:48]  Goddess Athena (athena0926): Yes very.
[18:48]  Liandra Hellershanks: Like, sudden fundamental changes.
[18:48]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: D/s is a voyage of discovery
[18:48]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: do not forget that
[18:48]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Probably means they aren't serious.
[18:48]  Liandra Hellershanks: I'm assuming a preexisting relationship here, and fairly long term.
[18:48]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov) nods
[18:49]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): I admit that I learned a lot about myself... both sides of myself...and followed my path
[18:49]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): That's good Julie. :)
[18:49]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): We all have many sides!
[18:49]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): i would say a huge attraction of the lifestyle is the opportunity to learn
[18:49]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): but i also realize there are others involved in my learning
[18:49]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): You would be surprised if you let yourself explore, what you might like
[18:50]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): so other than chocolate and a glass of wine, what do we need to cope with a breakup?
[18:50]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Friends
[18:50]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): voila
[18:50]  Goddess Athena (athena0926): Time.
[18:50]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: ice cream!
[18:50]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Vibrator
[18:51]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): woot!
[18:51]  Goddess Athena (athena0926): Oh lots of ice cream.
[18:51]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: giggles at vibrator
[18:51]  Liandra Hellershanks: Time.
[18:51]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov) nods
[18:51]  εllεռ (ellenback): A willingness to accept
[18:51]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): hehe
[18:51]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Friends with vibrators and ice cream?
[18:51]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): and a lot of time to enjoy them all!
[18:51]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: retail therapy!!!!!!
[18:51]  Liandra Hellershanks: A certain degree of patience. And something else, the word isn't coming to me. Calmness, evenness, etc.
[18:51]  Goddess Athena (athena0926): That's my kind of friends.
[18:51]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Good one Gwen
[18:51]  Liandra Hellershanks: Not flying off the handle.
[18:51]  Lex Berchot: Take time to grief, take time to take stock of your life. A relationship breakup, especially a deep D/s one takes a good time to get past. Friends can help.
[18:52]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): flow, or zen Miss Liandra?
[18:52]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Peace!
[18:52]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): Others have been through what you have been through
[18:52]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: a small bore revolver with a silencer
[18:52]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): eek gwen!
[18:52]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): go through Kubler-Ross' stages of grieving
[18:52]  Liandra Hellershanks: Well, just not flying off the handle. If something's over, don't drunk dial (or drunk IM), or stalk, or meltdown, or involve other friends in it, etc.
[18:52]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): they can understand the pain
[18:52]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): sometimes you just need a friend to talk it over with
[18:53]  Mikky Heron: the self awareness that you will be vulnerable for a time, and not to jump into another relationship unwisely as a coping mechanism
[18:53]  Liandra Hellershanks: But really, in the end, it's time.
[18:53]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: easy to say when you are not in the moment
[18:53]  Lex Berchot: There's a difference between having a shoulder to cry on and a willing ear ... but I think what Miss Liandra means .. don't make friends choose between either of you. Don't pull the "you must be with me or we are no longer friends"
[18:54]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov) nods
[18:54]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): I hate losing friends AND a lover at the same time.
[18:54]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): ugh
[18:54]  Liandra Hellershanks: Right, Lex. Or any one of the six or ten thousand different ways there are of generating drama.
[18:54]  Lex Berchot: 12343572322 last time I counted.
[18:54]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): :)
[18:54]  Liandra Hellershanks laughs.
[18:55]  Lex Berchot: "don't be sad it is over, but rejoice for it having happened in the first place"
[18:55]  Liandra Hellershanks: Over time, though, the freshness and rawness of emotions both fade, memories become a little hazier, and so on.
[18:55]  Lex Berchot: Although really .. that's a lot easier said than done.
[18:55]  Goddess Athena (athena0926): Oh that's hard to do Lex.
[18:55]  Liandra Hellershanks: And what Lex says is pretty wise, unless the whole thing ends on a sour note.
[18:55]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: sounds like a hangover Miss Liandra
[18:56]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): so as a noob, who has apparently done it 'wrong' several times, how then shall a new person figure these things out?
[18:56]  Liandra Hellershanks: Which things in particular?
[18:56]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): gaining experience in D/s
[18:56]  Lex Berchot: if only relationship breakups were as easy to manage as hangover Gwen. ;)
[18:56]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: how do you gain experience in life you might ask
[18:57]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): You can't worry about it too much, you just have to let it flow.
[18:57]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Trial and error.
[18:57]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): yes, in order to get a good Domme you need experience, but to get experience you...
[18:57]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): We all mess it up sometimes. Get too emotional, expect too much, put in too little.
[18:57]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): Just make the best of it.
[18:58]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): And try not to worry about a bad outcome, that's just setting yourself up to fail.
[18:58]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): some have suggested auctions, prisons, and the Cellar :)
[18:59]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): If it helps, a sub will go through a few Mistresses, most likely. It is the rare sub that finds her dream Mistress on the first try
[18:59]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: and the same for a Mistress finding the right sub
[19:00]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): we're winding things up here, any last thoughts or questions?
[19:00]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): exactly, Gwendolyn
[19:00]  Mikky Heron: thank you for leading a wonderful discussion, tessa
[19:00]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: last question, where is the wine?
[19:00]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): ooo i had the table all ready and everything!
[19:00]  TÁRA (kentara.rexen): This was very insightful. Great to get other peoples candid opinions.
[19:01]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): yes, that is what i most appreciate about these Tara
[19:01]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: a gathering at the Cellar is what the Cellar is all about
[19:02]  εllεռ (ellenback): Thanks for the discussion, time for me to head to rl, have a pleasant evening all.
[19:02]  Julie Anna (julieannagirl): A very intriguing discussion
[19:02]  Ariadne (adrienne.hadisson): thank you for welcoming me. may I have a tag?
[19:02]  Gwendolyn Sweetwater: sure ariadne
[19:02]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): we are sending out the text of the discussions of Tues/wed nights both in group
[19:02]  Ariadne (adrienne.hadisson): thank you.
[19:03]  ღ Ţєşşa ღ (tessaromanov): and on the Cellar blog

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