I have been repeatedly asked to write a "Tips for Dommes" sheet. So here is a first draft. What I would like is some improvements, additions and suggestions please!
Thanks.
Tips for SL DommesThis offers some information about how to be a good Domme in SL, reflecting the views of the authors. These do not touch upon any technical aspects. You can be a good Domme using just chat/IM and no other props at all, and conversely if you are not a good Domme all the technical sophistication in the (SL) world will not change that. Yes there is a place for props, scripts and devices to enhance Ds interaction and play but this is strictly a secondary matter. Also this is specifically about D/s relationships in SL and does not talk about RL D/s at all.
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First of all, a D/s relationship is a relationship. So many of the things that are important in a vanilla relationship are also important for a D/s relationship and many of the things that are true in other kinds of relationship are equally true in a D/s relationship. There are differences as well, of course -- especially in terms of the pleasures, needs, structure and safeguards -- but in many respects it is no different. Since the differences are more obvious we start with what is similar.
Everybody is different and will suit different people. A Domme that suits one sub may not be right for another, a sub may be excellent for one Domme will be entirely wrong for another. There is no such thing as a Domme that is good for everyone, or a "true" Domme. Similarly there is not one way of acting that all subs have to follow. Even the labels of "Domme" or "sub" (or similar) are gross simplifications of complex human tendencies and aspects. What is the case is that one Domme might be better than another for a particular sub (or better in certain ways) or one sub suit a particular Domme more than another. What matters most is that the Domme and sub somehow match or suit each other. If that occurs in unconventional ways that suit them both then this is every bit as legitimate as any other way. Yes there do appear to be some patterns that one can detect and point out, but for every pattern there will probably be an exception. Someone stating what a "true" Domme or sub or D/s relationship "should" be is probably only trying to protect their own wishes/needs/view to themselves - don't bother arguing with such people and don't take them very seriously.
In particular there is absolutely no merit is seeing how extreme your interaction with your sub can be. More extreme play is not better than milder forms at all (even though you will occasionally hear subs or Dommes boasting about what they have done). All that matters is whether the interaction is right for you and your sub -- nothing else matters. It may seem obvious to state, but D/s is not a competition in any sense - who can dare to do what, but is (in our view) just a way of relating that allows for people to express their dominant and submissive sides within a relationship -- and to use D/s interaction to deepen that relationship.
A corollary of this is the finding the right sub needs to be done with care, and will probably not be very rapid. You can not assume that a sub will know what your expectations and needs are, since there is no standard for these, but it is better to be explicit about these from the start. For the same reason it is wise to get to know a sub, and maybe enter a trial period before raising expectations of anything on a longer-term basis (on either side). Likewise you can not expect a sub to decide to commit to you totally without getting to know you first, and without communicating a lot about themselves as well to you. Entering too quickly into a D/s relationship will make problems more likely.
Some of the things one should be clear about to a potential sub include: the amount of time you will spend with them, whether they will be restricted when you are not there, what level of sexual intimacy you want/expect, whether they will be your only sub or one of many, how much they will know about you and what you do, whether you want their love or explicitly don't want them to do so, what sort of service you want of them, what your general style is, what rules you would expect them to obey, any technical requirements of them (e.g. use of restricted life viewer etc.), how you want them to interact and communicate with you, how they should indicate discontent, how and when they will be able to interact with others (e.g. friends), and, most importantly, what you want from them.
A sub will have needs other than to serve and obey you. However much you may insist that this is all they *should* want, they will have a range of other needs. If a sub has many unfulfilled needs they will eventually leave you. If you have a lot of subs leaving you (especially with no warning or reason) then this should tell you that you are not meeting enough of their needs. The other needs will vary from sub to sub, but could include needs for: humiliation, fear, sex, love, belonging, security, simplicity, freedom from guilt, lack of choice, or degradation. To keep and control a sub well you need to find out what their needs are, and satisfy enough of them (or if you cant, tell them so they dont gain false expectations in these regards).
One need that seems universal is that of attention. A sub will require your attention which will take some of your time. There is no way around this - devices such as giving them tasks to keep them busy, farming them out to other Dommes, or finding them other social places to be will only work to a limited extent. If you don't give them enough of *your* attention then it is highly likely that you will lose them. You need to bear this in mind when taking on a sub - will you be able to give them the amount of attention they require, and will you be able to keep giving any existing subs the attention they require.
A match between Domme and sub is never perfect or unchanging, which is why you need to establish good channels of communication. As you both change and adapt to each other, as the relationships develop, your needs and expectations will change (as will theirs). If you want to keep the relationship in good health then these changes need to be communicated and, if necessary, discussed. If your manner of interaction will effectively preclude direct communication of the subs needs and feedback, then you will need to establish other means of doing so. A common way is to allow free (albeit respectful) communication via email. The more you understand your sub, how they are thinking and feeling the more you will be able to control and keep them.
A particularly important aspect of communication is to know what their limits are. Everyone has limits and if you cross these you will cause deep distress, you will lose trust and violate the fundamental principle of (OOC) consent. Crossing them once by accident may be recoverable (in such cases you should apologise and work out together how to ensure it does not reoccur), if it is done repeatedly or deliberately then that person does not deserve any respect - they are not a Domme, but an abuser. A person who says that a sub "should do anything they are told" clearly does not understand about good D/s relationships. Similarly a sub who says "I have no limits" is equally ignorant. An aspect that is less frequently remarked upon is that Dommes also have limits. There are things that a Domme will not wish to do, and has as much right to halt or refuse a certain kind of play as any sub.
Underpinning all communication and interaction between you and your sub is that of trust. If there is no trust between you (at a fundamental level) then your relationship is doomed to exist at a shallow level at best, and to quickly fail at worst. Such trust should not be confused with predictability - but is to do with the knowledge by each party of the underlying respect for each other -- how they are, their needs and limitations. A good level of trust will allow for imaginative and exciting interaction between you, deepening the relationship and confirming it, it is therefore something that should be developed as a high priority by Dommes.
The very basic level of trust is that a sub can be assured that you will ensure their safety, sanity and consent (SSC). Of course this is much easier in SL than in RL, since people can always just quit SL if they find anything too much. However there are still concerns since it is possible to inflict genuine distress on people in SL. There are a number of simple mechanisms to ensure that SSC is maintained and any difficulties resolved in a way that is compatible with a D/s relationship. These will be discussed in turn.
You need to ascertain at the start whether your sub has experienced any traumatic episodes in their past. By their nature, D/s play can well trigger deeply upsetting "flashbacks" if they have such episodes. Great care needs to be taken if play is to involve aspects associated with such episodes, and play immediately stopped if there is any indication that such flashbacks have been triggered. Clearly playing with or interacting with a sub that has such episodes is a serious undertaking and not to be entered into lightly. Such a sub may require substantial affection and support.
Ascertaining areas of trauma are a special (and particularly important) case of establishing a sub's limits/needs/likes/dislikes. Establishing these is part of the negotiation that should form part of the process of getting to know your sub, and should be done sufficiently early so that any limits will not be transgressed before they have been discussed. There is an intimidating list of BDSM practices which some Dommes get their subs to fill out. Personally I think this is not as helpful as it could be, because it is distractingly long and does not set the practices in context. Whether a practice is something that is within a sub's limits will depend to a large extent on who is involved, their mental state, the context and the audience (if any). For example, something that is fine in private may be more than they can cope with in front of their friends. Also what is acceptable will develop over time as trust develops and as a result of the history of the relationship. Thus the discussion of limits etc. is not a one-off event but needs to be ongoing, it is just one part of the communication between D/s partners. What the long BDSM list does do it bring to attention to the sub the range of practices that they should consider, so as to prompt any areas that are unacceptable to them that they might not have thought of. If used as a starting point for more meaningful discussion it can be useful. However, some Dommes use this list to intimidate subs and to absolve themselves of continuing responsibility for their subs' welfare by treating the list as the final and only legitimate restraint upon their actions.
The most well-known safety measure in D/s is that of the "safeword". This is a word which can be used (by either party) to cease interaction and initiate a free discussion about the situation - something that is distinctive and easily memorable. For obvious reasons it can not be something like "No" or "Stop" as these might be used within play in the *simulation* of non-consent. Such safewords are not to be used lightly or trivially, but there is no shame in having to use them. In fact it is the responsibility of any partner to use a safeword, rather than to try and endure something that is really beyond them (for whatever reason). There is a temptation with subs to try and avoid using safewords even when they should, so it is wise to try and reassure a sub that using them is OK and normal in any exciting and exploratory relationship. Explain how it is part of their service to you in that it gives you assurance that your interaction is OK and thus you are free to enjoy it.
An extension of the safe word is having special channels or means for free and honest communication, for example in IM or email, or using devices such as double brackets, e.g. "((sorry interrupted))". Any method that allows a Domme to distinguish between in-play communication "please don't spank me" (meaning please do) and serious communication about the play itself (really don't spank me). Clearly this can interrupt the flow of play if there is too much of it at a trivial level.
In any case getting off-line feedback about each other's honest feelings (e.g. by a later email once everyone has "come down") will greatly improve the quality of play - just as talking about sex improves sexual relationships. Somehow ensuring effective and regular debriefing on what has happened is the single most effective way of achieving a satisfying relationship and play. If the style and nature of your relationship makes this impossible to occur directly then indirect methods are highly desirable. If you do not have any such channel then you are simply relying on luck -- that you happen to be compatible and satisfactory to each other.
Of course once you have established a good relationship involving heaps of communication and trust, such explicit methods and safeguards will become less important. You will probably be able to tell how things are going without the need for so much explicit communication. However I would recommend against discarding them altogether as people do change over time and in specific circumstances (e.g. when they have a cold).
What fundamentally distinguishes a D/s relationship is the imbalance of power. A D/s relationship relies on the fact that the sub enjoys giving up power (i.e. losing control), whilst the Domme enjoys wielding power over the sub. A more accurate picture of the relationship is that the sub makes occasional decisions, for example deciding whether to stay with a Domme, and in off-line discussions/feedback/negotiation but loses second by second control of what happens. This is sometimes called a "power exchange". The sub decides on a broad longer-term basis to lose control of the specific decisions. The feeling of the loss of control is key to the sub experience, and a Domme must be able to give this experience by being willing to use the power that is given to them. .
The willingness of the sub (or the Domme) to keep making the decision to stay with the relationship will depend on whether the relationship as a whole is meeting their needs. Thus a sub will accept day to day decisions as to what they do from their Domme because of the longer-term benefits to them, even if many of those specific decisions are not what they want at all. Much of the technology in SL is designed to enhance this structure. For example the Restrained Life/Real Restraints technology "enforces" some SL decisions on a sub in the short term, even if it is still possible to evade in the longer term (by simply quitting or reinstalling the standard viewer). However to do so involves a big decision that may affect the D/s relationship and thus can help enforce detailed day-day action and hence enhance the feeling of loss of control for the sub. Thus the paradox at the heart of D/s is that the sub has general needs but wants not to be able to be in control to get them satisfied. One of their primary needs is not to be able to get those needs satisfied by their own decisions.
A D/s relationship often involves fetish elements, for example: role-played pain, humiliation, styles of dressing, bondage, simulated rape, imprisonment, etc. Such elements are what tend to be indicated under the label of BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadomasochism). An enjoyment of BDSM elements in a relationship can be quite distinct from what we call a D/s relationship -- you can have a D/s relationship without any fetish elements at all (although frequently in SL they go together). Indeed there are good D/s relationships without any sexual elements in it either. Similarly you can have people who enjoy the fetish elements without wishing there to be a power exchange -- for example, they may like being bound and whipped but want to guide the fulfilment of these desires by being in control. This is perfectly legitimate if it suits those involved, in fact this is far more common in RL than an involvement in longer-term RL D/s relationships. However the conflation between BDSM and D/s can lead to mismatches between individuals. For example if BDSM-only sub is paired with a D/s Domme they may attempt to control the interaction in a way that frustrates the desires of the Domme to be in control. For the purposes of this text we distinguish between BDSM and D/s just to try and make the issues clearer, if people want to use the terms in a different way that is fine. Repeatedly we return to the match between Domme and sub in these matters, it is this match and the extent to which the resulting relationship is satisfying to both that matters (and in our opinion ALL that matters).
Here the different ways people use SL matters. Some people "live" SL, that is SL is a simple extension of their life, they live part of their life though this medium taking it as seriously as other parts of their experience. Others "play" at SL, that is they don't consider their SL experience as part of life, but a separate and non-serious game. (There is, of course, a spectrum of positions between these two.) Many people start by playing SL and end up living it to some extent. Generally "players" will be more tolerant of more extreme interaction and more restriction upon them, since this is what they play to experience and it is not entirely serious for them. "Livers" will be less able to withstand restrictions and more extreme punishments as they feel it/take it more seriously, and will have many aspects of SL life they enjoy (which you might be withholding from them). Thus where you sub is on this spectrum matters. If they are a liver, you may get a more intense and personal relationship, but you will also have a greater responsibility to ensure their safety and care. It may well be necessary to allow a liver sub to have considerable freedom when you don't require them. If they are a player you can be freer in what you do with them, maybe constructing a more adventurous fantasy together, dominating their SL life more totally, but there may be less emotional depth and "bite" to your power-exchange.
There are many ways in which one can seek to reinforce the experience of losing control. Insisting on simple indications of a difference in status between you and the sub are a start. This can include having the sub always kneel in your presence, having to address you in certain ways (e.g. calling you Miss), not able to ask you questions without permission, having to dress in low-status ways etc. All these indicate you ability to limit the sub's status and reinforce the expectation that they will obey you. The extreme end of this spectrum are various forms of humiliation, for example: wearing revealing clothing, having to walk around with a butt plug in them, having a label such as "slut" enforced on them, forcing them to crawl etc. Such indications are even more powerful in public, in front of others. Many subs will have sharp limits as to the extent to which they are humiliated in front of friends -- especially if the friends are prior to any D/s involvement. Unlike pain, humiliation is real and immediate in SL, it has "bite" and can thus be used for intense experiences for you and your sub, but also have the capability of causing real distress. Use with care when with a non-D/s public.
Another basic technique is to unsettle you sub, by making sure they are not entirely comfortable. This can be done in a large variety of ways, limited only by your imagination! This can include: doing unexpected things to them -- causing them pain when they expected pleasure (or the other way around), ensuring they do not know what is going on, enforcing an appearance on them that they are not comfortable with, getting them to do something that makes normal concentration difficult (e.g. enforcing an elaborate system of address and behaviour on them, or getting them to count upwards in words in IM as action occurs in chat), putting them with unknown people or situations, blindfolding them, or stopping movement (by chaining them). This make it difficult for the sub to allow themselves to mentally wander and forces the sub to accept what happens to them rather than fight it.
Most fundamentally, however, is simply getting the sub to do things that they don't want to do (in a short-term sense). Nothing so much reinforces the experience of a loss of control as this. This might be something they are a little frightened of or simply do not enjoy. Clearly this has to be used with care, with respect both for the subs limits as well as the over-all long-term level of satisfaction for the sub. For example a sub may get a perverse pleasure from being abandoned and isolated for a while, but if this is all they get they are going to get fed up and eventually leave. The general pattern of this is that you get the sub to go beyond what they are comfortable with, into a zone/situation where they are a little frightened/embarrassed/humiliated/confused/etc. (but where this is at a level that is bearable to them), and then bring them safely back to their comfort zone and reward them for their obedience. Emphasise at all times how what they are doing is because it is something that pleases you, and that you are aware they don't like it or would not choose it - this reinforces the feeling of your power over them. Repeating this pattern induces trust and obedience, because a sub will have experienced obeying when they would rather not but it being rewarding in the end. As the trust and communication develops in a deepening relationship you can take the sub further out, increasing the intensity of the experience of loss of control and surrendering to you.
Of course the other side of the coin is getting you sub to do things that they
do really want to do. So if you sub (secretly or openly) likes showing her body off, then you may reward them by "forcing" them to do so. This is especially true for things a sub likes but about which they are reluctant (due to taboo, guilt or embarrassment etc.). In this way you can free you sub to experience things they want to experience without any guilt. This can build your relationship in a positive way, meaning they look forward to your control. After all, underneath everything, you are building up a relationship that is good for both of you, so in a broad long-term sense you are *always* making them do what they want.
There is a difference some draw between different styles of Domming (which uses unfortunate terminology). "White" Dommes are those that take on board a sub's needs and direct the interaction to totally satisfy them, whilst a "Black" Domme will seek to satisfy her own needs only taking notice of a subs' hard limits. It is common that subs seek a "black" Domme because they want to lose control, but are often happier with a "white" one in the longer run. Of course, by necessity, most Dommes are between these two extremes -- if you were completely "white" a sub would not get the experience of losing control so essential to the D/s experience, and if you were totally "black" it would be only sheer fluke that a subs' needs would be met in the long term since the Domme would not be adapting to their sub at all. Truth be told we are all "Grey" Dommes with some elements of each, albeit to different degrees. The strength of a sub's need to lose control against the strength of their other needs determines what sort of mix in a Domme suits them.
If you develop an deeply personal relationship with your sub (which is common) then it is impossible for most people to not care a lot about your subs needs and your relationship with them. This can cause a shift to a "whiter" style of Domming as the relationship develops. If a sub wishes for a "darker" style of domination then they may become dissatisfied as a result. Similarly it may be that an exploration together may result in an increasingly dark style of interaction, as a Domme feels free to express this side of herself and a sub encourages this. In such a case it may be that a sub is reluctant to invoke their limits due to their wish to satisfy their Domme's needs. In these cases, where people's needs are changing then, just like any relationship, you have to try and talk about the changes and come to some compromise or agree to part. If the relationship itself is more important than the individual needs there may be a different outcome from one where the needs are more important. Each person has to decide this for themselves for in any long lasting relationship some change is inevitable. Do try talking about this first before simply splitting - a good relationship is not easy to come by.
Since control is of the essence, then it will be necessary to change the behaviour of your sub at times. This is most effective using both positive and negative feedback - by simple praise, attention and affection for the behaviour you desire and punishment for those you wish to avoid. This is not "punishment" for your mutual enjoyment, but a true punishment to reinforce the change of behaviour you desire. As with children the most effective punishment is the selective withdrawal of attention, giving it for good behaviour and withholding it for bad. Withholding attention is only recommended for short periods -- if you do this for long periods you are risking losing your sub because attention is almost certainly fundamental to their needs. Other "real" punishments include setting an essay for them to write, leaving them for short periods imprisoned and alone or simply showing your anger with them (they want to please after all). In general try not to mix up punishment when you are angry and D/s "punishment" for mutual enjoyment. The clearer your messages of correction the more effective they will be. Remember that training an av -- truly changing their patterns of behaviour -- takes a long time, months rather than days.
You should be careful not to indulge in games of real guilt with your sub. If they have done wrong they get punished and that is an end of it. Part of the reason why many choose to be subs is to free themselves from guilt - they just have to do as they are told and that is the limits of their guilt. The Domme is in control and hence responsible for what happens -- in fact an unwillingness to take control and dare to be responsible is what stops many women exploring their dominant side - they just feel too guilty about it (even if they know their sub is enjoying it).
Linked to a lack of guilt is the need to belong. A good D/s relationship instills a deep sense of belonging, of being at home with each other (even if surprising and dreadful things can happen). Many subs get a deep sense of release by re-enacting rituals of belonging, thus will learn to love kneeling at your feet, calling you their Mistress, being leashed by you etc. A home is what they get in return for giving themselves to you, and most subs like this to be continually reinforced. For this reason some subs will not react well to scenes of abandonment (or will only react well if it is part of a punishement), depending on how important this sense of belonging is. Others, of course, may get a kinky thrill out of it, but you need to find out this is the case before trying it.
Finally, all Domming is better if you understand what your sub is feeling. Your will control them and be able to satisfy them and you more easily. Empathy here is important, but it is a skill that varies from person to person (this is why, in general, women make better dominants than men). If you dont have a natural sense for what a sub feels, I would recommend spending some time as a sub. Finding out why and how it can be enjoyable, why one might desire to be a sub. This gives you real insight and can be freeing in that you understand that quite strange things can be actually (in a perverse way) hugely enjoyable.
So enjoy and use the power that is given to you. Let your sub serve you. Do this whilst understanding your sub's needs as much as you can, but sometimes taking risks, trying out new things and scenes. If you do this to the best of your ability, for both of your satisfaction there is no need to be ashamed if it does not always work out. If mistakes occur, talk about them together and (if appropriate) apologise and improve. Above all keep communicating about it all so that your relationship may grow and deepen. Do not let yourselves be constrained by the traditions and expectations of D/s (or anything else) but let your relationship develop in its own ways, with its own unique mix that is right for you.
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