Club The Cellar

Some pictures from the Cellar Silks Night...

2011-06-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

If you have any send them to Selena Petrovic inworld to put up here

Me dancing angelically ;-) with my girl.

Silks night tonight (21st June 2011) 1am PDT

2011-06-21T10:13:00.000-07:00

Come and enjoy - nudity allowed for this night - no rules!

At the Cellar, Caudron. All women (over 18 in RL) welcome!

Max Mosely on Radio 4

2011-03-02T06:42:00.000-08:00

Max Mosely, who is the only public person who is known to be a D/s submissive in orientation, talks on BBC Radio 4 about his fight with the News of the World not to have his private life invaded on the grounds his sexuality is considered strange.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00yyflw

San

Ratna Markova's Book of Portraits

2010-07-13T03:11:00.000-07:00

Ratna Markova has published a collection of her portraits as a SL book. There is a copy in the hall and one (permanently) in the library.

Her Gallery is at:

http://slurl.com/secondlife/mystical/77/208/28

Transcripts of the Kinster Munch

2010-04-29T00:48:00.000-07:00

You may know of Lex and Vanni's discussions on BDSM issues that happen every 2 weeks or so. They have now created a blog with transcripts of all of these, categorised by subject. These are generally of very high quality and worth reading (or even better attending, I do when I can, but its not at a good time for me -- Saturday at 11:00 AM SLT).

They are at:

http://slexi.wordpress.com/feed/

The massage table upstairs is fixed/improved

2010-03-31T08:29:00.001-07:00

The massage table in the intimate room is now equiped with some nice animations and scripts. Just click on it for a menu. Enjoy!

San

Items by Gaby around the Cellar

2010-03-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

One of our members, Gaby Puddlegum, is a talented and imaginative BDSM device maker. You can see (or use) some of her devices around the Cellar and its grounds. I will let you find them!

Below they are being enjoyed by my girl (dont believe her expressions she like them - especially the display stand ;-)).

They include a head trap:

A penetrating display stand:

Some simple stocks:

And a clever gorse bush that tears off your clothes if you are dragged through it:

Try them out, especially while wearing a RLV relay.

To buy them from her go to her vendor at:

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Aulen/177/89/76

PS. If other members would like to donate their items to the cellar and for me to promote them like this, do IM me. I am always keen to help promote the creative efforts of Cellar members (who I think are an exceptionally intelligent and creative bunch, but then I am probably extremely biased in this regard!).

San

Shackles, the Cellar and the sim (Caudron)

2010-03-08T02:04:00.000-08:00

Nora can no longer run Shackles and has closed it. She is looking for people to rent/buy the rest of the sim (i.e. the other 2/3 of the sim - Caudron). If you know of anyone who would want to buy/rent this, please contact Nora Caudron.

the Cellar will NOT close, but if Nora can not find someone to buy/rent the rest of the sim we may have to move. Suggestions for appropriate 3500 prim spaces to me please (just in case).

San

Cellar etiquette

2010-01-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

May I wish all cellar members and friends a very happy new year!

A quick reminder about Cellar etiquette:

Politeness and respect should be universal with the sole exception of those who have consented to be treated otherwise.
Consent needs to be explicit - e.g. wearing a cellar "slave" tag or given verbally. It can not be assumed simply due to appearence.
Newbies and newcomers should be welcomed, helped and treated with tolerance and respect -- even if they declare themselves to be slaves, sluts etc. and even if they are annoying.
All are free to choose their role, and to change as often as they like. Only those with Cellar tags of "submissive", "slave" etc. are bound by the rules for submissives (e.g. not sitting on sofas).

Thank you!

San

New Exhibition - Ratna Markova from Sunday 3rd Jan

2010-01-01T04:29:00.000-08:00

There will be a new exhibition of pictures by Miss Ratna Markova, upstairs at the club from Sunday 3rd January 2010. Ratna would love to hear any comments you have on it.

San

Shania Teardrop has died

2009-11-11T14:10:00.000-08:00

Shania Teardrop, many of you know was a Mistress who often came to the Cellar and shared her wisdom and kindness with those she met. Always with a smiles, she reminded us to be happy and enjoy our life.

Sadly I need to inform you that last month Shania lost her battle with lung cancer. She was fortunate to not have suffered long and had her good freind was by her side when she passed.

I know many of you cared greatly for her and as her sub she often told me how she cared for those she met at the Cellar.

Please feel free to IM me is there is anything I can share with you.

Ceejay Shinn

Aftercare

2009-10-21T03:13:00.000-07:00

Following important and insightful posts on the importance of aftercare in BDSM:

I would just like to add my endorsement of these. It takes time as people come back up out of a session, especially if its intense and/or emotional. During this time both tops and bottoms need some time to recover, and perhaps talk to each other about how it went. This is not a chore but is often a lovely period of intimacy and communication. Of course, if something did not work for any of the participants its triply important!

San

3 Books by Tria Telling published in SL by Tai Koltai

2009-09-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

Sexy D/s stories for you to read in Second Life

A Life In A Porcelain Box is a series of three complete stories by Tria Telling describing a young lesbian's adventures in Second Life, from her tentative and fearful entry into the world of domination/submission under the formidable Lady D to her full acceptance of the excitement of surrender to servitude.

Each story comes as a separate, beautifully bound and illustrated volume produced by the innovative Tai Koltai Publishing. The books not only make stimulating reading but, left lying on a table or bookshelf, add both decoration and real interest to any shop, club or Second Life home.

Price L$1250 for all three volumes.

There is a vendor at:

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Drecksnest/53/142/381

Or you can buy them from Xstreet at:

https://uncensored.xstreetsl.com/modules.php?name=Marketplace&MerchantID=71985

There are some copies in the Cellar library for people to browse.

My congratulations to both Tria and Tai -- good D/s stories are rare indeed.

(for a short review by a reader -- see the comments by Olivia)

Declaration of Submissives' Rights (Final Version)

2009-09-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

Preamble

It is recognised that any relationship has rights and responsibilities on both sides; that where there is honesty, effort, care and attention rights are probably redundant; and that dominants have a set of similar rights. However, due to the greater number and vulnerability of submissives a list of minimal rights for submissives is particularly relevant -- a dominant is in a position to enforce respect etc. or to let a submissive go and thus do not need a set of rights to quite the same extent. This is not a list of the principles that are desirable in general, due to the huge variation of kinds of D/s relationship, but intended as a minimal set of rights for all submissives in SL.

____________________________________________________

We declare the following to be the absolute rights of all submissives in SL.

1. To have their Sanity, Safety and Consent (SSC) respected at all times. That any dominant ensure, as far as reasonable, that all who interact with their submissives respect these principles. (see notecard on basic safety)

2. To have their hard limits and use of safewords respected without exception or excuse. Further, that they not be put under pressure to weaken their own declared limits or withdraw use of safewords that they feel appropriate.

3. To be told when their dominant decides to quit SL (or swap to another avatar), so they don't hang around for weeks worrying and wondering if their dominant is coming back. A short IM or e-mail takes little time and saves a lot of heartache. Similarly faking death is unacceptable.

4. In return for the gift of submission to be given sufficient attention by their dominants. The emotions that accompany genuine submission usually makes the submissive dependent on some attention for their emotional well-being. If a dominant has more submissives than they can properly care for, they should not take on more. There is no way around this need (leaving them at a club, doing meaningless tasks, isolating them, putting them on display etc. are no substitute) -- if you take on a submissive you then you have to give them enough personal attention or let them go.

5. To be informed to a reasonable extent when they can expect their dominant to be online, so they don't needlessly mope around waiting.

6. If they have NOT submitted to anyone, to be able to dress and act as they wish, free from any interaction they do not wish for, subject only to any rules they consent to (e.g. rules of a club they go to). In particular for it not to be assumed that they will obey anyone or behave in any way if they have not consented to do so, regardless of their usual orientation or their manner of dress.

7. Not to have to reveal any RL information they do not wish to reveal, especially those pertinent to their RL ID (NI/SSN numbers, name, address, credit card numbers etc.).

8. To be able to withdraw from any relationship for their own reasons, without inappropriate public sanction or insult.

9. If not in any agreed relationship, to be free to take any desired role, for example dominant, to switch or, withdrawal from D/s altogether.

10. To be free to bring any contravention of these rights to the attention of others.

____________________________________________________

Issued by San Mauvaise with the support and input of many others at the Cellar and elsewhere in SL.

Annemarie Niekerk Memorial Service, Friday 28tyh August

2009-08-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

The Annemarie Niekerk memorial Service will be held next friday, August 28th. It will be a party-like event celebrating Her Life and at the same time an event full off memories to be shared by all present.

Since Annemarie was dutch, but lived in New York City She had friends all over the world, throughout all timezones. It is therefore that i wanted this event to be a long one, enabling people from all timezones to be there for a while; it is not the intention to be there all the time :-).

The Memorial starts at noon and ends at 06:00 PM PST (SL time)/ 08:00PM - 02:00 AM (GMT). There will be some famous SL artists and a few DJ's performing fully free.

Guests are not supposed to tip the artists. Instead there are several "tipjars" that can be used to make a donation to the Royal Dutch Cancer Foundation (Annemarie died of cancer). This donation can be made directly to the foundation or inworld in linden.

I am aware that there will be people present, that did not know Annemarie, but come to see a certain artist. They are most welcome, but they should be aware of the nature of the event and behave accordingly; this means for instance no gestures.

Furthermore visitors are requested to leave all lag-causing attachments at home, since there might be lots of people at times and we do not want the sim to crash.

Tthe official announcement (can be rezzed or worn on te HUD) is obtainable from San Mauvaise, IM her for it. The location is:

http://slurl.com/secondlife/OZLAND/147/161/300

Thanks again,

Liz Laville, widow

PS. There will be an exhibition of pictures of Annemarie upstairs at the Cellar to coincide with this event, in other words from the 28th for at least a couple of weeks. San

Articles and Tutorials about the RealRestraint (RR/RLV) system

2009-08-07T05:09:00.001-07:00

Good information seems to be like busses, nothing for a while and then a lots all at once.

Not only do we have Eloise's insightful and clear introduction to SL BDSM/sex toys on this blog (and in the cellar library).

But we have a new series of tutorials and tips from Marine herself on her blog (http://realrestraint.blogspot.com) with the index at: Tutorials, Tips and Tricks (Introduction)

This series is to be continued to cover all aspects of the RR system.

Also Shuggi has started a series, concentrating less on the technical aspects but more on the uses and psychological aspects on her blog (http://shuggi.wordpress.com). starting with:

Shuggi, has written a number of pieces on RLV, its use and abuse in the past - all worth reading.

About a year ago I wrote a reflective piece on RLV technology called "Freedom and the Restricted Life Viewer".

San

The Toys and Gadgets of BDSM and sex in Second Life - Eloise Pasteur

2009-08-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

This isn’t going to be a list of places to shop. Rather it’s going to be a series of suggestions for the sorts of things you might find and what they can (and can’t do) and some ideas about using (or not) the various options you have.

First up, though, is the question of “Do I need this?” The answer to this is a bit more complex that it might seem.

In Real Life, particularly for D/s, the answer is a resounding no. BD and SM usually require some sort of equipment in real life but it’s often possible to use stuff you can find lying around. Don’t buy a cane specially, use the handle of a wooden spoon, don’t buy nipple clamps, uses clothespins and so on, at least at first. Once you find things you really like you can think about spending real money on custom designed items. But for pure D/s play as long as one party is dominant and the other submits it can all be done without any props at all. Often, but not always, there are props for all three parts of the BDSM family. A collar, cuffs, a maid’s uniform, a flogger, some rope and so on. However, IRL it is easy for the sub to kneel next to their domme, to avert their eyes and so on. It’s also easy for the pair to snuggle up really closely, whether in bed or with the sub clinging to the domme’s leg.

In Second Life the options to perform most of these things still exist but they’re a bit harder to do. You can’t really just make your avatar kneel but you can play an animation of kneeling and cause your avatar to kneel. A collar (which often does this) is not necessary, but it does make it easier. Pose balls in Second Life exist so that you can both play an animation and precisely position the avatar when the animation is playing. This allows you to snuggle up close. If you have an avatar kneeling thanks to a collar animation and try to approach her she will apparently run away but will insist she’s not moving. She’s telling you the truth; there is, in technical terms, a collision box around every avatar. Two avatars can have their collision boxes right next to each other, but if they interpenetrate they get moved apart. Hug animations, if you watch them carefully, have both parties appear to move forward into the hug. It is possible, using animations, to move the apparent position of the avatar within (and even outside of) their collision box (you see this with more energetic dance animations) so this repulsion effect does not apply. When an avatar is sat on a pose ball their collision box disappears - technically they become part of the furniture and their collision box matches the furniture’s collision box. So, if you have an avatar kneeling on a pose ball just randomly rezzed (still counts a furniture as far as Second Life is concerned) you can walk right up to them because their collision box is the size of the ball they’re on.

This gives you part of your first dilemma. If you use a collar you can get your sub to kneel anywhere, which is good, but you can’t walk right up to her unless she’s on a pose ball. Pose balls take prims and you probably can’t rez them just anywhere. It’s going to be a juggling act. Also, your sub can kneel without a collar - she just needs to play the animation. If she uses an AO, she could load it into the AO as a “stand” pose and kneel without a collar. Even without that, if she has the animation in inventory she could just play it from inventory to kneel for you - it’s an ugly, hard-work approach but it does work.

And as soon as you’re here, making that choice to have toys, pose balls, collars and the like you’ve got more choices to make, a fairly bewildering array of them.

Systems

Past that there are some more, rather important, choices. In no particular order these will include:

Chaining systems
Cyber v xcite! and attachment driven arousal systems
RLV
Interaction method

Lockmeister and Lockguard are complementary chaining systems. Frankly there is little to choose between them from an end user’s perspective but they are different in a number of technical ways. Most attachments the sub can wear (and sometimes that the Domme will wear) come with one or the other system. The toys, frames, horses etc. will come with one too. If they don’t match, no chains... Fortunately, there is no reason not to have both sets of scripts in collars and cuffs, and other locations. The “target” scripts (for putting in collars, cuffs etc.) are freely available. Various toys use different systems, so it is well worth considering installing both. You will, however, have to spend a little bit of time getting the scripts together and making both sets work.

Cybering versus xcite! and other similar systems. I should stay, from the start that I am not a fan of these systems. Sex, RL or SL, is about an interaction between the players. Mistress does X, I respond in way Y, so Mistress does Z. On some days Y will be the same as it was yesterday when Mistress did X, on other days it won’t, and on those days Z will probably be different too. On some days, even when X and Y are the same, Mistress has something different in mind and so Z is different to normal, different to expectation. It’s worth noting that, according to a couple of people I know who work as escorts in Second Life, they never use xcite!. Random people want that interaction with their (temporary) partner, not their scripts. xcite! and the other systems that chart your arousal and responses for you, in my opinion, remove the interaction from both parties, generate spam and reduce the quality of the relationship. They don’t respond genuinely and organically. You avatar can be suspended in seventh heaven have multiple star-burst orgasms and you’re sat at home blowing your nose and taking cough medicine. Sure the dream of the orgasms and never ill is great, but in a relationship don’t you want it to be with you, even if you are ill?

But if you want to use them, it’s your choice. Quite a range of toys and attachments have them available and if you want to use them it’s worth reading the instructions and working out how to do it properly. Most xcite! toys and some others will also post comments. For example the domme gives the command to kneel in nadu, and the collar will say something like “Eloise’s collar: Eloise gracefully kneels, spreading her legs and curving her back presenting her body to her Mistress.” (although you might have to play with the scripts to make them say her rather than his and Mistress rather than Master. It’s an option that’s there though. You can, in particular the Domme can, cause their sub to rise up and down towards orgasm by clicking and pressing buttons on various bits of the body. The control can be exquisite, and there’s pain options for the SM crowd too, or for punishments.

It is worth noting that although the various systems have a big network of attachments to work “properly” if you don’t use xcite! you can still buy the odd xcite compatible attachment and it should work as intended except the xcite! part quite happily.

RLV: restrained life viewer. This seems to polarise the BDSM community like nothing else. RLV, if active, allows the domme to do a range of things to the sub. With the full implementation they can lock items on (really lock them so detach isn’t an option in any menu), restrict chat, IM, teleport, force sitting on certain objects and the like. Some people are of the opinion that this shouldn’t be needed - if your sub doesn’t do as she’s told, then she’s not submitting. Some like it all. The subs feel more fully controlled, the dommes more fully in control. There’s no right answer here, it has to be your choice for your relationship. RLV is a hack to the standard viewer, and requires the sub to log in using an RLV enabled viewer, and with RLV turned on in the case of some viewers. Please note, therefore, that it is ultimately the sub’s choice - they can choose to log in to SL using a viewer without RLV support and all the controls won’t work. Also note that there is no need to use the whole set. Mistress and I use a subset of the RLV options. The only item I have that RLV-locks on is my chastity belt. We both like knowing that it’s as locked on as SL can make it (even though it makes changing hair styles and the like a nuisance). We use the options that RLV offers to control clothes, in particular Mistress likes tearing clothes off me, and I like her doing it. We have a “strip” command and a “remove X” command built in so she can either tear them all off, or remove them one at a time as she chooses. She can write about what’s she’s doing as my clothes are ripped or cut off and we’re both happy - it also stops me having to fumble around with pie menus or the inventory whilst she’s stripping me - it puts her in the driving seat as she should be for that sort of activity. You don’t have to use the whole set, they definitely can add something (if you like forcing girls onto your dungeon devices RLV is great there too, although we don’t use that routinely) but they are an option, not a necessity.

How do you interact? You’ve doubtless seen people frantically typing “ao on” and “ao off” That’s not a command to a toy of course, but it’s probably the best known example of the voice command. Collars often but not always use this - Mistress for example says e.strip to make all my clothes fall off. Some, but not all of these toys also have silent chat channels, so Mistress could type /1 e.strip for the same effect and I wouldn’t see the message in chat until she emoted tearing my clothes off. It’s worth noting that although silent commands have “surprise” impact they’re not always the best way to go unless you’re wanting to (hopefully play-) punish your sub for not obeying a command she couldn’t possibly hear. If you give her a pose command there’s a reasonable chance her ao will block it and she will fail to obey because she won’t know to turn her ao off.

Some items are touch-driven. This may be simple - I have a yoke that you touch to lock and touch again to unlock - or it may pop up a menu. Hopefully the menu is clear and you can find your way around it smoothly to have it do whatever you want.

Some items come with a HUD that you wear. This will give you a range of buttons that you click and away you go. This may additionally pop up a menu or it may directly do what’s needed. The downside of HUD toys is that you can quite quickly run out of HUD attachment points and screen real estate but the odd one can be really useful.

You should consider all of these things up front really. Most of us don’t, I know I didn’t, but I think about it now if I’m considering a new toy.

Collars

And with that, on to the toys. We’ll start with the most basic of them, the collar.

Of course a lot of people like collars. They’re a useful indication of status as well as a useful means of playing animations. Often both dommes and subs like the look of a collar. So what sorts of things can collars do?

You can have a totally unscripted collar that just looks good. There’s nothing wrong with that at all, but there’s not much to discuss about them either. Note that if they’re modifiable you can grab scripts, animations etc. from other collars and put them into this collar if you want. There’s no guarantee that all the parts will work (particularly for setting names on collars) but the core functions should. Note also that if they’re NOT modifiable you can still adjust for height, but your sub will have to adjust her avatar to fit the collar.

Most, in fact all that I’ve seen, of the scripted collars offer an option to create one or more “owners” (Doms, Dommes, Masters, Mistresses etc.). Do you need only one or might you share your sub? Owners usually have special privileges such as locking the collar on, being notified if it’s removed or similar.

Similarly most or all collars offer the ability to play animations, usually to both the wearer and any owners. The owner’s command for an animation overrides the wearer’s of course, but if you like your girls waiting for you in a particular pose this lets them do that. The animations that come in the collar are usually of variable quality and quantity and include a lot of Gorean poses but they’re often quite popular for all subs. Note that if the collar is modifiable you or your sub can add new animations to it. However, if the animations are not at least copiable you can’t add them whilst the collar is being worn. You might want to torment your sub for not adding animations to her collar of course, but she really can’t unless you let her take it off.

After that, things get a bit more tricky. There are different choices, and you may have to hunt around to find the precise combination you want.

Many collars offer the chance to apparently engrave a texture onto the collar so you can have it say “My slut” or “Eloise” or “Lilly’s Pet” or whatever you like (there are maximum numbers of characters here).

Many also offer some sort of leashing option. This may be a leash to you only (with or without handles for the chains), or leashing to posts or others.

Some collars offer shocks, bells, spikes etc. so you can punish a sub, hear when they move, stop others grabbing their collar and so forth. These are fairly rare in terms of numbers of collars offering them, but the most widely used collars seem to offer bells.

There are collars that can report each time your sub teleports or moves sims, so if you’ve ordered her to be online and in a certain place without you, you can check that she hasn’t left the sim. (Why you would do this routinely is another matter - you’re in a relationship and your sub deserves your attention - but the option is available.)

There are doubtless many more options that you can find if you want.

Other toys.

Past collars the range of toys and how they work becomes bewildering. There are, for example, blindfolds. Some of them use HUDs to also block the avatar’s vision (at least mostly). Some are purely cosmetic. A HUD-blindfold will still allow the sub to see at least some of her other HUDs, the mini-map if she uses it and text chat. It naturally won’t interfere with voice chat.

You can find a wide variety of gags. Most will have a “chewing” animation look because there isn’t really a “keep mouth open all the time” option but they look fairly good. Many good gags will come with a silent chat channel e.g. channel 3. Your sub speaks on channel 3 (e.g. /3 thank you Mistress.) and the gag makes a muffled, gagged approximation in open chat (ffffnnnk oooouuu Mmmmsstrisssss for example). Some can be tagged for owner use only and worn all the time so you just touch her mouth and slide the gag in. The gag sits there invisible at all times, and only comes into visibility when touched. It goes again when touched and the correct menu item is picked. Others your sub will have to attach and detach from inventory for herself.

You can find cuffs in a wide variety - police cuffs; ankle and wrist “slave” cuffs; metal, leather or furry cuffs; leg irons; arm and wrist cuffs etc. Most of them play an animation that “forces” the sub into a cuffed position, and this is nearly always cuffed police style with the hands behind the back. A few offer an in-front/behind cuffing option. Some may offer chaining and ankle cuffs often offer a leg-spreader and immobilise option.

You can also find leg-spreaders (with or without an immobilise option), yokes, armbinders (in a variety of styles) and the like. Yokes and armbinders in particular might come with leashing and chain options. Leg-spreaders sometimes come with T-bars so you can fit a pole up towards your sub’s body with a vibrator or similar on top.

You can find piercings for just about any body part. Certainly facial, ear, nipple and clitoral piercings are common and quite easy to find. These, except for earrings, are rarely passive. Nipple and clit rings can be chained together, allow you to play with your sub and the like. At least one style of facial piercing can be adapted into a gag as well.

Chastity belts also exist and again in a variety of styles. Most chastity belts take a fair bit of adjusting to fit and are relatively low-tech. You wear them, and with some you can lock them on and that’s usually it. However chastity belts need to be modifiable so you can add other scripts if you wish. This can include RLV locking, chaining points and the like.

All the toys I have talked about so far are attachments. Before moving on to a discussion of other toys, you need to remember an important point about attachments. That is, you can only have one object attached at each attachment point. If you have collar, wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, arm cuffs, clit ring, gag, blindfold and nipples attached (that’s my current load) that’s 11 of the 31 visible attachment points. Add some hair and you’re over 1/3 full. Attaching skirts becomes entertaining - many will clash with the clit ring (or sometimes the chastity belt) for their preferred attachment point. Your sub will have to become adept at editing skirts to fit from an attachment point other than their intended one. YOU should become adept at ignoring those times that your sub knocks her collar, belt etc. off by mistake. For most items there is no way to tell in advance where it will go until the item is attached and you suddenly find your collar has gone. Establish ground rules - maybe your sub can only try new things in your presence so you can see it’s an accident and that she reattaches her collar straight away (the down side? You might have to watch hours of fumbling as the item is attached elsewhere and tweaked to look right). Maybe an apology and explanation and a check as soon as possible that she’s back in her collar is OK. You get to see the clothes worn in the right way straight away and if you trust your sub (even if you’re rping forcing her, she’s still here through choice) she’ll put the collar back on unless she really means to run away.

There are doubtless other attachments for other kinks - I know there are attachments for forced urination for example - but I’m afraid that’s outside my experience. However the general principles from above will still apply and it’s well worth shopping around. Pony play, which I’ve sat on the edge of, for example, has a wide range of choices available - it’s really up to you to choose what you want from them and to examine all the options before you put your lindens on the table.

Remember too that not all the attaching toys are for the sub. Floggers, whips and the like are available for the discerning domme.

On to the other toys. Here we’re thinking everything from sex beds to hitching posts, St. Andrew’s Crosses to candles.

Second Life supports just about every kink you can imagine. You can find all manner of bondage equipment, fornophilia toys, drowning toys, even barbeque spits if that’s your thing. Here a number of the questions that were relevant above remain relevant. Is the device xcite! compatible if you use xcite!? Does it support RLV if you use RLV. Are the chains LG, LM or some other system? (There are a small number of custom systems still, most use either LG or LM or both.) How do you interact with it?

However, there are more choices here again. Does that toy come with one pose or hundreds? We have a mixture of these but the multi-pose toys are generally more often used because as the scene develops we can change between the poses without changing location. However, there are certainly some single pose toys that absolutely do the necessary job - we have a free St. Andrew’s Cross laid horizontally on the floor next to a candelabra for example. For those times Mistress wants to drop hot wax on any part of the front of my body it’s ideal and the price was right too!

If you have a multi-pose object how well does it work and how easy is it to change? Your sub may be taller or shorter than average, or you may be, and that pose that says “fuck her with a strap-on” looks a little ridiculous to both of you when you’re thrusting between her knees or over her back because the heights aren’t right! There isn’t really a “right” answer here, but there are a multitude of options for setting the positions and keeping them for future use. Some are simple, some are complex, some just plain don’t work. If it’s important to you, then check that out too. Talk to people that have them about how easy it is to set up - the developer always finds it easy, because they wrote the code for it and it reflects how they think. I was recently shopping with a friend and there was a toy that looked just right for her. Sadly the demonstration model just didn’t work. It may have been a wonderful toy but it was no sale - if the owner can’t keep the demo running will you be able to keep your own running?

The ease of editing existing poses probably tells you something about the ease of adding new ones, but make sure it’s a modifiable object (even if the box says no modify, that might reflect the scripts only remember) so you can add new ones if you want.

Also with that multi-pose object how easy is it to find the pose you want? Can you modify the menu system? Is the menu system clear to you? It isn’t always (and for many people not much ruins a scene in which your partner writes about flipping you over and licking your pussy until you scream for mercy as quickly as the pose balls vanishing, leaving you standing next to each other looking confused).

Then you have fun issues like decor. Many dungeon toys come in a variety of looks, or with systems that let you change their colour and upholstery to suit your play area. That’s all well and good. Remember, however, that if the object is modifiable and you are good with textures you might be able to retexture the object to suit you. Remember if you do this the creator is under no obligation to provide you with the original textures and may well refuse to do so.

A final note. I don’t really make BDSM toys. Although if you have something you want that isn’t available I might make it for you, drop me a line! However, I do make a range of other scripted items in Second Life. I also take the time and effort to write help cards and instructions. If this wasn’t for a blog for a Ff club I wouldn’t bother to write this: men will always be crap at reading instructions; but please try to read the instructions and work it out first! I don’t mind people asking for help who haven’t understood the instructions, or have done something I wasn’t expecting and that isn’t covered by the instructions and code. People who ask for help when it’s clearly in the instructions, and clearly in the instructions they haven’t bothered to read - well let’s just say every sub’s patience has its limits and that is a sure-fire way to get across

Declaration of Submissives' Rights (DSR)

2009-07-20T15:19:00.000-07:00

Having watched the deplorable behaviour of a few dommes with respect to their submissives, I wish to make a strong statement concerning the minimum standard of behaviour that is acceptable. There are lots of other rights that are desirable, but can be a question of taste. Comments to me in-world in a notecard or to me in email please. I will take on board constructive comments and publish the final version in the future.

We declare the following to be the absolute rights of all submissives in SL.

1. To have their Sanity, Safety and Consent (SSC) respected at all times. That any domminant ensure, as far as reasonable, that all who interact with their submissives respect these principles.

2. To have their hard limits and use of safewords respected without exception or excuse. Further, that they not be put under pressure to weaken their own declared limits of withdraw use of safewords that they feel appropriate.

3. To be told when their dominants decide to quit SL (or swap to another avatar), so they dont hang around for weeks worrying and wondering if their domminants are coming back. A quick 3-line IM or email is a minimum. Similarly pretending death in RL is unacceptably cruel (unless arranged with those close to them).

4. In return for submission to be given sufficient attention by their domminants. The emotions that accompany genuine submission usually makes the submissive dependent on some attention for their emotional well-being. If a domminants has too many submissives they should not take on more. There is no way around this need (leaving them at a club, doing meaningless tasks, isolating them, putting them on display etc.) - if you take on a submissive you then you have to give them enough personal attention or let them go.

5. To be informed to a reasonable extent when they can expect their domminant to be online, so they dont needlessly mope around waiting.

6. If they have NOT submitted to anyone, to be able to dress and act as they wish, free from any interaction they do not wish for subject only to any rules of any place they visit. In particular for it not to be assumed that they will obey anyone or behave in any way if they have not consented to do so, regardless of their usual orientation or their manner of dress.

7. To not have to reveal any RL information they do not wish to reveal, especially those pertinent to their RL ID (NI numbers, name, address, credit card numbers etc.).

8. To be able to withdraw from any relationship for their own reasons (stated or otherwise), without inappropriate social sanction or public insult.

9. If not in any agreed relationship, to be free to take any desired role, for example to domminant, to switch or out of D/s altogether.

10. To be free to bring any contravention of these rights to public attention or the attention of a relevant authority.
Thank you.

San Mauvaise

Pictures of Annemarie Niekerk

2009-07-12T04:47:00.000-07:00

I am planning an exhibition of pictures of Annemarie at the Cellar to celebrate her life. If you have any please send them to me in world with perms or email them to me at san.mauvaise@gmail.come (please only from addresses that do NOT reveal RL IDs!).

Thank you.

San

Photography Exhibit

2009-07-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

I would like to invite my Cellar family to a showing of my photography at the Art'e Gallery in Helvellyn, now through the end of July. The Cellar is the setting for one of the pictures, and features several familiar figures.

Helvellyn is also worth the visit by itself. A charming Mediterranean style shopping village and residential area, om and I have called it home for a year now, and would love to have you visit.

-Jilly Kikuchiyo

Annemarie Niekerk has died

2009-06-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

It is with great sadness that I have to announce that the RL person we knew as Annemarie Niekerk died after a long illness. Her SL family was there with her over these difficult months. She and her family are a great example of how loving a SL D/s family can be, Our thoughts are with Liz, Tas, Eve and Emma as they come to terms with this.

Her SL memorial is at

http://slurl.com/secondlife/OZLAND%20NORTH/215/56/22

San

Cellar Gender Policy

2009-06-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Members,

I have now spent a long time consulting a range of people. Many thanks to all those who sent me their opinions or talked to me about this issue. It is good to know that so many care about the Cellar and that it is a special place for them.

There was a huge variety amoung those that sent me their opinion. Amoung those I talked to personally, however, there was near unanimity. This is significant to me as those include many whose RL sex I know to be female. This is a difficult issue, and I am sure I will not satisfy some whatever I do. I am sorry if the policy here is not to your liking.

My general principles and inclinations are as follows.

The Cellar's female ethos is overridingly important. That is it is a welcoming, caring and helpful place - not a place for quick sex or instant liasons, but one where quality relationships are encouraged and celebrated. It is not only a place for lesbians, but for women of all kinds and orientations. Tolerance of all different kinds of sexuality, and approach/style of BDSM is essential, not to mention any kind of nationality or religion.

There are some vulnerable people who come to the Cellar due to its caring ethos. Some have bad experiences in for example from Gor, abusive D/s relationships, or RL experiences. I would like to be able to afford them some protection, but have come to the conclusion that the only way to do this in SL is via tha norms of quality behaviour in the Cellar and via the mutual support network that is available there. It can not ensure the RL characteristics of those as the Cellar and it should not give the misleading impression that it can.

The Cellar can not achieve its ends by "hard" means such as banning. This does not work in SL -- only persuasion and self-selection works. If someone is banned they can just come back as another av. However if they dont find that avs here are easy to exploit and that callous behaviour is disapproved of they are likely to go elsewhere. Thus the purpose of the policy and guidelines should be to encourage good behaviour as much as possible and discourage and abusive, uncaring or exploitative behaviour.

The Cellar is a feminist place in the senses that: it promotes the rights of women to be respected and free from abuse; it is for the mutual support of women; it promotes a female ethos. It is not, however, vindictive towards or against anyone, merely be a place where women can relax and simply socialise without threat or hassle.

Thus the new policy of the Cellar will be as follows (it is similar to the old one).

The Cellar is a place for females only. No male avs, sexuality or behaviour will be tolerated. We ask that any males who are simply pretending to be female should respect our wish to be female-only and go elsewhere. No penises or other displays of maleness are allowed.

It is recognised that there are people (TG/TS/TV) with female brains but RL male bodies. These are allowed by on some conditions: (1) they talk to me, San Mauvaise before spending substantial time at the Cellar (2) they reveal their RL status to others before any sexual intimacy or entering into a longer-term relationship with them (such as collaring) (3) they live as a female at the Cellar in all respects.

People at the Cellar will ultimately be judged on their behaviour. There will be no witch-hunt in the sense of trying to find out about the RL sex of av's and anyway this is contrary to the SL Terms of Service (which all have accepted by using SL). Avs who behave callously or abusively will not be welcome at the Cellar, even if they are RL female. TG avs who show by their behaviour that they act in accordance with the Cellar female ethos will be accepted on terms equal to any other av.

My decision on this is final. I am, as always, always willing to listen to the views of any member if respectfully put. However I will not now change this policy for at least 6 months.

San Mauvaise

Search and the Cellar

2009-06-11T06:38:00.000-07:00

Forgot to mention in last post.

I had already taken the Cellar out of search as an experiment. Most of the members who come to stay and fit in come as a result of recommendations by others and members Picks mentioning the Cellar. Many of those that arrive using search are looking for a quick thrill.

So if you search for the Cellar and it is not there - it is not (necessarily) due to the adult restrictions!

So, do send suitable people to the cellar, give them the LM to it (obtainable from the orange shiny ball in the entrance arch), do add the Cellar to your picks.

I will evaluate this experiment in a month or two. As always I welcome members' comments and suggestions!

San

Upcoming changes to SL and the adult restrictions

2009-06-11T05:46:00.000-07:00

I do want to help ensure that under-18s do not come to the Cellar. However I am equally sure that the new regulations will make it more difficult for some of our legitimate members.

Firstly, we will not be in a hurry to introduce the restriction on entering the Cellar. Secondly I dont think we are a "public place promoting sexual activity" we are a club open to the public promoting quality D/s relationships that may or may not involve sexual aspects.

If you have used payment information (essentially a credit card) with the Lindens there should be no difference for you. If you dont, then you should be able to verify your age using the Linden system. Apparently this is completely seperate from SL and SL only recieve a code indicating a successful verification. However I have not yet tried this system.

The recent linden post on search and adult ratings is here: https://blogs.secondlife.com/community/technology/blog/2009/06/10/search-and-adult-content

A summary is here: https://blogs.secondlife.com/community/features/blog/2009/06/01/adult-content-changes-in-summary

Their FAQ on it is: https://support.secondlife.com/ics/support/default.asp?deptID=4417&task=knowledge&questionID=6032

If you want to test whether you are adult verified try going to:

Linden Account Verification Test, Oatmeal 15 (249, 242, 22)

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Oatmeal%2015/230/227/24

If you are worried or want to discuss this do contact me in world.

San

End of the Road for Dari's Haus

2009-06-05T02:59:00.000-07:00

As you can read from http://www.darishaus.com/site/ while the website is still there (will dissapear in a bit), Darian Caudwell is leaving SL and has put a large amount of the collars etc. he produced into the public domain.

There is a vase in the middle of the freebies at the cellar with all this stuff in (also at http://slurl.com/secondlife/Yurim/235/87/31 and http://slurl.com/secondlife/Aneslasleja/62/58/2). Please take these and give them to others.

The collar may need a bug fix once the dari haus website has gone. See below for details:

Keeping Your Collar running

Written by Darien Caldwell

Monday, 11 May 2009 18:42 originally (here)

The collar polls this website for diagnostic reasons. Now that Dari's Haus is closing, this website will also eventually close. Once this site is gone, the collar would produce an error on every TP, however, there is a simple fix to ensure your collar continues to work without this error.

Please Select Read More to be taken on a step-by-step guide.

1. Rez your collar on the ground.
2. Press Ctrl-Alt-T to make invisible things show as red highlight.

3. Then Right Click on the collar and choose Edit.

4. Check the box that says "Edit Linked Parts"

5. Select the Content Tab, then click on the lightly red ball that's usually near the center of the collar. This prim will be named "dari_node".

6. Inside is a script named "!".

7. Delete this script, by right clicking on it and choosing the delete option.

8. The collar will prompt to reload settings. Say 'done' to start the reload, and you're finished.

San

Exhibition of wedding pictures (Moni and Michelle)

2009-06-04T04:16:00.000-07:00

Moni Basevi and Michelle Grant's wedding pictures can be seen at Ratna's Artistic Lens gallery at the following LM

Mystical, mystical (42, 163, 27)

Walk through the main gallery and then down the stairs, where you find an exquisit set of lovely wedding photographs made by Ratna.

San

Basic Safety for BDSM in SL

2009-05-31T06:39:00.001-07:00

I realised I did not have a notecard about basic safety, so here it is.

..............................

Basic Safety for BDSM in SL

Although SL is very safe (no significant physical risk, can always quit) it is surprisingly emotional. For this reason some basic safety measures are advisable.

This is not long, please take the time to read it if you, especially if you are new to BDSM in SL.

Do quit if it gets too much! I know this is obvious, but it is easy not to for reasons of pride (I have no limits, am no sissy etc.) or social obligation (I said I would not, she would be disspointed in me). Good BDSM interaction will not allow you to get to this point - if its really too much, press ctrl+Q or turn off your computer/disconnect the internet (which simulates a crash well).
Agree a safeword with whomever you are interacting with. This is a word that will not be confused with play refusal (saying "no no" when you mean yes, which is fairly common in kinky play) - !SAFEWORD! is fairly unambiguous.
Think about and declare your limits explicitly. Don't just hope your partner will somehow know what they are - even if they are obvious to you they might not be to others, everyone is different in this. Also *everybody* has some limits, don't fool yourself otherwise -- would you be happy stuck somewhere in SL for 6 months with no interaction? would you be willing to be sold to someone else and then to another? would you be nasty to your friends on command? would you do things to yourself in RL?
Declare traumatic episodes. If you have any traumatic episodes in your life that even *might* be triggered during an interaction, please either (a) don't enter into that interaction or, at least, (b) tell the other about it in enough detail so they know.
Don't reveal your RL ID. Don't tell information about your RL that would allow yourself to be identified (at least until you have known them a LONG time then do it gradually and carefully if you really wish this). Remember due to the web and Google, information about you (your job, location etc.) can be used to identify you if you are specific and accurate enough.
Talk to others. If you are worried about anything talk to others who are similar to you (subs->subs etc.). This will help you understand what is normal, what is not, useful tips and what to do about bad situations. If you dont have anyone else, come and talk to me.

Thats it. Enjoy!

San

PS. Safety in RL BDSM is a lot more involved due to the physical risks involved. This is about BDSM in SL only.

Consultation about Cellar Gender Policy

2009-05-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Members,

I am consulting about the Cellar's Gender rules. Please tell me your opinion by writing it in a notecard and sending it to me (open my profile and drag the notecard you have written onto it).

Background

The Cellar is supposed to be only for women. As much as possible it should be a place where a female ethos and behaviour reigns (emphasis on relationships, a caring and connected community helping and supporting each other, no instant sex etc.). There are some at the Cellar with bad or even truamatic experiences with RL males, and it would be nice to think they had a little protection from such behaviour at the Cellar.

Here I must add a couple of personal notes. I have a F2M Transexual friend in RL (was a girl now a man, operation, married etc.), and through him I have learnt what they go through. I do believe that it is possible to be born with a male brain and a female body (or the other way around). I would like those who *do* have a female brain to be allowed into the Cellar. Secondly several people who are very dear to me have arrived at D/s in SL in a quite a depressed state, yet aware of submissive urges in themselves. I would like the Cellar to be a place where such people feel they can be themselves but within a community that provided them with friends, advice and care.

Of course these two things are difficult. It is impossible to stop males who are just pretending to be female coming to the Cellar. Equally it is very difficult to seperate those that are genuinely transgender (female brain) from those that just want to causually try being female. It must be the case that a significant proportion of those at the Cellar are RL men, estimates range from 10-90%, there is no real way of knowing. I hope its under 40% since if its above this the club's ethos probably cant be maintained in the long run.

Current Policy

The current policy is no males but with the following exception (in the detailed club information):

Although RL men are not wanted at the cellar, and no male behaviour/appearence will be tollerated (including the use of penises), genuine m->f transexuals are welcome, provided (1) they reveal this to me and discuss this with me before entering the club (2) they live totally as a woman in all respects and (3) they reveal this fact to anyone before becoming intimate (there are some at the club with traumas due to abuse by men so this is a sensitive subject).

The idea of this was not to make it easy for RL males who were pretending to be TS, so that I knew who they were and could keep an eye open on them, that they had to know about TS issues and processes and they understood the importance of not being intimate with others before telling them.

My General Aims for the Club's Policy

My aims in this policy are several:

To maintain a "female atmosphere", that emphasises underlying respect, tollerance, relationships, friendship, safety and mutual care/support.
To help provide a home (to the limited extent possible a safe home) for women with D/s leanings who want to avoid men, in particular for those who have suffered trauma due to their treatedment by men.
To be an open, friendly, welcoming place that is simply nice to come to, helpful and inclusive to newcomers and newbies
To be as tollerant of people's various desires and orientations as possible whilst emphasising the importance of safety and care
I dont want to even try to police the gender of those at the club, or have to investigage claims about an av's sex if there is not incident or noone is harmed (quite apart from this being against the SL TOS). Rather I would like rules etc. that encourages the self-selection of those who frequent the place.

The Consultation

I am asking members what they think of the current policy, as well as if and how they think it should be changed.

Some particular issues:

Should the TS males at the club declare this in their profile?
Should we be trying at all to keep the club female?
Do people want to maintain the illusion that all at the club are RL female?
How best to keep the maximum pressure on RL males at the club to behave in a suitable fashion?
How to ensure the Club can protect its more vulnerable members?
How to preserve the ethos and atmosphere of the Club?

Please send me your comments!

Thank you.

San Mauvaise

Getting over a bad relationship...

2009-05-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

Embrace Your Anger — “You were lied to. You were betrayed. You were fooled. You have the right to be angry.”
Get Over Your Regret — “Kick yourself in the ass a few times. Mourn everything you lost. But pick yourself up and get on with it. You already wasted time — don’t waste more drowning yourself in your sorrows.”
Hold Steady — “Create a support network, and try to stay away from intense debates with those who betrayed you.”
Be Cautious About Getting Back Involved in the Same Sort of Relationship — “Even if you still believe that it is worthwhile or what you want, you should probably take it easy, at least for a while. Otherwise, you may be setting yourself up for a pattern of involvement, disillusionment, and disbelief.”
Life Your Life in Color — “Life without can be a marvelous, beautiful thing. I urge you to take the opportunity to do things you couldn’t or wouldn’t do before, when and how you can.”

Culled and adapted from From Shuggi's Blog at:
http://shuggi.wordpress.com/2009/05/12/getting-over-a-relationship/

To which I would add (based on my own experience):

Meet with and interact with friends — don't spend all your time moping on your own (and SL wandering on your own can be very depressing).
Start a new project, SL skill, or exploration — new things and even relationships can grow out of doing something new, and its imporetant to feel you are making some progress, somehow.
Help and empathise with others who have lost someone — this not only helps them, but its something that feels real even if you are a bit down.
Get outside — yes the RL outside each day.
Don't beat up on yourself too much if you are not achieving and seem to be just wandering — you are not, recovering from a bad relationship takes some personal space and time.

San

Tisiphone and Selena are Wed!

2009-03-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

Much to everyone's surprise (and I think theirs) Tisiphone and Selena decided to get married today!

Although both hide it well under a venner of playfullness, I know there is real love and friendship between them.

They made touching pledges to each other in a simple improvised ceremony, and then were married.

Those who could make it at only 10 mins notice did and joined in congratulating them.

Unusually the couple were very quiet afterwards as they danced.

May I wish them many happy years together.

San

Silks-only night at the Cellar

2009-03-15T01:20:00.000-07:00

This thursday there will be a silks-only night. That is the normal rule about no nudity will be relaxed and there will be an obligation for everyone to wear silks of some kind (broadly interpreted).

This will last from 8pm SL time (4 GMT if my calculations are correct) for the next 12 hours.

Enjoy!

San

Annemarie and liz's wedding

2009-03-15T01:16:00.000-07:00

On friday, Annemarie and liz were wed in a beautiful ceremony. Everyone I talked to was deeply touched. I will post some pictures when they are available, though I expect there will be many on Liz's blog (when she has some time to catch up).

San

Prison Facilities

2009-03-03T15:03:00.000-08:00

Over the last few months I have been transforming the prison block downstairs.

To get to it you click on the blank wall opposite the stairs.

Now has two cells, a rack, a plunger (!), a head trap some leashing rings and a some more robust animations.

But best is the deep, dark oubliette below - sit your sub on the manhole to send them down (only way out is to TP them).

Enjoy, sorry only for full members or those accompanying them!

San

Corner of the Sim at the Cellar

2009-02-25T11:04:00.001-08:00

I have improved the outlook and facilities at the corner of the Sim at the Cellar. There are now nice rocks and spray, a tree, a leashing ring, a bench with a nice pose (above) as well as some chains on the end wall opposite, for subs that needs some "downtime" (or is it uptime in this case?).

Enjoy!

San

10 common questions/worries about BDSM - Eloise Pasteur

2009-02-21T11:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people come along with some big, heavy questions about BDSM. Quite often, if they're raised in public, it turns out quite a few people have worried about the same things. So, here are some answers to be thinking on.

1. I've just found out that I like (some aspects of) BDSM. I'm worried that I'm a pervert!

There are lots of answers to this, starting from "Welcome to the pervert's club!" to thinking deeply about what it means to be a pervert. The second is probably more useful to discuss though.

Perversion is, essentially, defined by your culture. Some cultures have strong taboos against public nudity, some are remarkably relaxed about it. In the former, topless sunbathing, upskirt shots and the like are taboo and titillating, naughty or even illegal. In the latter, exhibitionism is a rare fetish, and often involves being partially (but inappropriately) dressed rather than being naked in public.

If you go back to pre-reformation Europe, then the heights to which we were meant to aspire was marriage to God and living a celibate life as a priest, monk or nun. Because this was impossible for most people, it was considered second best to "suffer" intercourse within marriage purely for the sake of propagating the species. Under that definition, sex for pleasure, for comfort and so forth was perverse - although I bet a lot of couples did both of those and more.

Some people will doubtless regard what you do as perverse. That's a reflection of their inability to think outside the boxes that society tries to use to control us, often a desire to control other people and their ability to have fun, and their willingness to judge you from insufficient information. That doesn't make it easier to live with of course, if it's your parents, your boss or similar, but it doesn't make them right.

Are you giving your partner(s) loving care and attention? Are you mutually pleasuring and supporting each other? If you are, then what you do is between you, and it's almost certainly a healthy relationship. If what others think of it matters more than the pleasure you get from it, then that is a choice you have to make, but you will probably be happier and still look for relationships that satisfy all your needs over time, even if you decide for the moment to have a relationship that doesn't shock your peers. You should also, of course, consider keeping the relationship you like, but not being quite so open about what you do in the bedroom (dungeon, bathroom, nightclub or wherever). Families don't really want to know, even if you'd like to tell them. Friends can usually cope better - but you don't have to tell them every little detail unless you like that or they witness it anyway.

Before leaving this topic, one of the things that often comes up is "how you can like giving/receiving pain? That's just sick!" Whilst many D/s couples, and certainly those into the S&M end of things go further, possibly much further than this, most people, even the vicar, have indulged in erotic pain at some point, one way or another. Did you never give, or receive, a hickey/love-bite? Whether it's sinking your teeth into your partner (not my thing) or being bitten and the bruises left after the bite (sign me up! More, more!) you're into giving and receiving pain in an erotic situation. Still think it's sick?

2. I've just watched CSI/SVU/Criminal Minds etc. and they're hunting a sexual sadist. They refer to this person as criminally insane too. Am I criminally insane and will I be hunted down?

There is an unfortunately double use of sadist here. If you like giving pain (you're a top of some description) then you are a sadist more or less. However when the various law-enforcement agencies are looking for a sexual sadist, they are looking for a sexually predatory sociopath (or sometimes a psychopath) with sadistic tendencies, not the local heavy top. There is a difference, and it isn't a small one. A top, no matter how rough he/she plays and caters to extreme fantasies, does so with the collusion and desire of their partner. A heavy top meets the needs of a heavy bottom, and they both enjoy what they do together. Your typical sexually predatory sociopath doesn't have that partnership. Rather they inflict their desires on someone, often more than one person, in a way that is not in the slightest consensual. They kidnap, rape, abuse and often kill their victims. Whilst you may have fantasies about being kidnapped and forced, or kidnapping and forcing another, the point at which it crosses the line is when they have no idea, no desire to play along, and it's purely for you.

I actually have mild kidnap fantasies. They're hard to work in Second Life, but knowing that Mistress might (IRL) kidnap me and drag me away for a weekend of "rape" and "torture" sometime is kind of exciting. But I know and trust Mistress, and if she rapes and tortures me, I'll be fit to go to work on Monday, and I rather expect I'd enjoy the weekend, even if I was worried it might be for a week or longer and I'd miss work unexpectedly or something. The prospect of being kidnapped and held by a genuine rapist who will probably kill me - that really doesn't do anything for me. Thinking about the former makes me tight and tingly in all the right places. Just writing that much about the second has killed that feeling and is making me sick.

So, your typical heavy top is not a sociopath or a predator. She will may act in a way that appears to be torturing you, kidnapping you and the like, but it will be with your consent and to some extent with your knowledge and complicity. It's a very different situation, even though the wording used is rather similar.

3. I've just heard about Boy George being sent to prison for 15 months for chaining someone to his bed and beating them. Am I a criminal?

The answer here is more complicated, and needs the proviso that I am not a lawyer. I am based in the UK, so the criminal offence names I am going to use are from British law, but most countries have broadly similar laws that will apply.

My understanding of the law is that, with the exception of depictions of paedophilia and sex with children whatever you get up to in Second Life with a consenting partner or partners is OK. Outside of Second Life, the law usually protects the sub and puts the Domme at risk. Tying someone to the bed can be construed as illegal imprisonment. Beating or branding someone is almost certainly assault, possibly with actual or grievous bodily harm. Kidnapping and pretending to rape someone looks a lot like kidnap and rape to the police, and the kidnapper and rapist will be the person charged. Now, if you are doing these things sensibly, and consensually, in most cases the police won't find out because the sub won't want to complain - Boy George was arrested because he chained a model to his bed and beat him without consent, the model escaped and reported him to the police. But, if the police come knocking at your door for something else, they could, if they want to, arrest you for unlawful imprisonment if your sub is tied to the bed...

The law doesn't always protect the sub mind. If your Mistress can control your clothes in Second Life, in most places if you turn up naked, or exposed, even gagged and chained, people don't bat an eyelid - it isn't something you necessarily see every day even in Second Life, but it's not uncommon. Turning up to the mall naked and with chains from your clit ring, gag, collar and nipple rings to a leash in Mistress' hand is rather more likely to cause comment! In the UK being naked in public like that is usually a public disorder offence (Behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace for example) and the defense of "Mistress told me to dress this way" is not a defence at law.

But remember, apart from depicting sex with a child, in Second Life you're legal.

4. I'm worried that I'll start things and get kinkier and pervier until I can't control myself.

My simple answer to this is "No, you won't" but that deserves some explaining.

Most people, often at some early point in their exposure to BDSM, see a limits list. It is surprisingly easy for most of us to fill in the majority of that list, even if we've never tried BDSM in any way or shape before. If you fill in the list you basically have, typically 6 categories of answers:

I know I'll like this to some extent
I think I'll like this to some extent
I think I won't like this
I know I don't like this, but it doesn't revolt me
WTF is this?
OMG NO!

As time goes by you might find that some of the things you thought you might like a little or not like you like a lot (I wasn't keen on nipple rings or clit rings, I wouldn't be without them now), I was very unsure about long term chastity belt wearing, and I still am, but I wore one for a month and don't regret having done it, even though I'm not looking for a repeat thanks!

You will also, of course, come to learn just what some of the "WTF is this?" category are, and you might find you like some of them.

But this isn't really becoming kinkier - this is just exploring which bits you like and don't like and how strongly as you learn more about yourself and your sexuality. However, I've been doing limit cards for getting on for 5 years now, at least occasionally. The hard limit "OMG NO!" things are still all hard limits. I haven't really added new kinks to my psyche, although I have discovered that some things I wasn't that keen on in the abstract are actually really good in practise. I've also discovered that some things I thought I'd like a lot don't really do it for me. The list of kinks I like and hope Mistress uses on me has changed, but I've both added and taken away from it, but I still have boundaries I won't cross, even for her.

5. I'm worried about meeting IRL and finding I don't like the same things as I do in SL/can't submit to her/can't make her submit to me

Meeting IRL is a big step. It can be made all the bigger because there can be long distances between you IRL that you are going to work around. Long distances make one or the other person travel a lot, and away from "safe" or "neutral" ground because they may well be in a country they don't really know that well.

You should, I would say must, get to know the person as well as possible. Skype, photos, video-chat if you can over skype, as well as a relationship in SL, email and all the rest. Try everything you can to make sure you both want this. Even though I'm hard of hearing, we've tried Skype - it's doubtless not as good as if I could hear well, but we have some idea of what the other sounds like.

If can submit to your partner after all this, you can almost certainly submit to her face-to-face. Your submission is, after all, something you offer to her and you can almost certainly offer them to her face-to-face if you can do it in SL, through Skype, email, and everything else. In some ways we have it easy as the subs - we're used to giving up control and waiting. When you're meeting for the first time, you will both be nervous, but you can give up control and wait patiently. The nerves will go, in time, and it should work out.

Similarly, if your sub will submit to you, then you shouldn't have to worry. You will both be nervous, but she's used to subbing to you, and will sub to you. If you're in a relationship where you normally play at forcing her, you might want to take that aspect easy at first - and negotiate this in advance. In Second Life a 90 year old 4'10 and 80 lb woman can "force" a pro-wrestler. In real life, the 90 year old will still be able to dominate the willingly submissive wrestler, but forcing her will require more choreography than it does in Second Life.

The biggest difference will come with how the sub's body reacts. In Second Life I love kneeling. In real life, I have two bad knees and a bad back - kneeling for more than a couple of seconds is frankly impossible and some of the tension poses over a horse or similar are equally impossible. Being tied in suspension poses, especially inverted ones, causes not that much discomfort in SL (although a great deal of excitement at the style and completeness of the restriction). IRL whilst you can be tied and suspended fully for quite a long time without problems by an expert, finding things strong enough to take your weight and an expert tier/suspender is rare - although with time and practise both of you will get better.

Both of you will have to adjust to this. Your Mistress will probably find that things you obey willingly and completely in Second Life you just can't do in real life. Avatars can be animated in ways that even the most supple gymnasts can't manage, can take highly restrictive tension bondage for days without developing cramps, sores or similar and in the ultimate can be hung by the neck without suffocation. Real bodies can't do these things, most of us can't even get close to any of them. Of course, depending on your relationship, she might use that to punish you and she is perfectly within her rights so to do, but in any relationship that is likely to last your Mistress will be considerate of your physical limits, so if you can't get your elbows together behind your back IRL (however easy it is in SL) then she might encourage you towards this (and over time you might find you can do it) without punishment until you can manage it. Most people who have extant SL relationships and choose to meet in real life will find, in D/s terms, it is quite like starting over, but it progresses to a deep and comfortable relationship more quickly than normal. The habit of submission and obedience is there, and the psychological knowledge of each other and needs, like, habits and so on are well established. However, the physical limits, and the specific feelings of bodies in contact with each other are new and have to be learnt. That can, of course, be very exciting and often is. That discovery time also helps with determining the physical limits that you will each have to get used to.

6. Crime and Punishment

This is always a thorny issue - and in part the answer will be "it depends on your personality, likes and dislikes and relationship" as it is more or less bound to be.

Lets start with the types of punishment.

There's play punishment, the kind of thing where you're sent to do an impossible task such as find my favourite picture and bring it here - you go, it's already broken, you get punished for breaking it. The punishments in this case are almost always fun. You get put over the knee and spanked, then brought to orgasm for example would be a suitable, and probably typical, play punishment. If your relationship is largely entirely separate scenes with lots of role-play you might have lots of these. School-girl and teacher, police-woman and shop-lifter, maid and mistress etc. Some proportion of these will involve play punishments, because most people who play in the D/s field like the tying up, the judicious application of erotic pain and the like that adds the BD and SM sides to the BDSM field. If you have a more continuous relationship you'll still have times playing this sort of game too. Play punishment is role-play, but can be and often is used in a lifestyle relationship as well. In a more vanilla context, silly stories about "I got my husband to dress like Batman and spring from the wardrobe to rescue me" and so forth are exactly the same sort of thing. The types of play almost certainly (at least usually) define the sorts of "punishment" you're going to see - Police-woman and shoplifter is a classic for public nudity for example as the police-woman removes each "stolen" piece of clothing as evidence. You might well then be cuffed and dragged off, and get into a group sex scene if that's your kind of thing as the whole of the police-force at that station come in to "check" on the prisoner. School-girls get into either mucky play - hockey on a muddy pitch for example, or some sort of caning/spanking when you misbehave in class. The list carries on, and there are certainly variations, but this kind of thing can be loads of fun despite having strong normal tropes.

Then there is real punishment. Mistress tells you to wait at home, naked, tied to the bed and gagged. She comes home to find you dressed, not gagged and nowhere near the bedroom. You are in trouble - it doesn't matter if you've chosen to disobey, she's come home early or what, you are clearly not obeying her instructions. If you've got a really good excuse - the police opened the door to "rescue" you, you've just got home from an interview and you have rules that let you dress and go out for interviews etc. then you might get away with it, but it's unlikely in any other circumstances. Speaking personally, I rarely, I won't say never because I have done it, behave in a way that is going to seek punishment. The reason for this is quite simple. Each time I've been properly punished, I have completely hated it and I have no desire to be punished again. That said, I think this is the way it should be. If I transgress, I should be punished, and punished in a way that will make me not do it again. For me, being spanked isn't a punishment, it's a pleasure. Being whipped is a punishment for me because the pain is so severe I can't find any erotic pleasure in it. Being denied access to Mistress is a punishment too, and perhaps one of the commonest ones. There are subtler variations too - losing the privilege of calling her Mistress is a surprisingly nasty one for example. To my mind these punishments should be limited in time, clear, and if possible modified to suit the crime. Denial of contact is a good one for a sub that pesters for attention. Restrictions on calling her Mistress are ideal when you don't call her Mistress in public despite the fact you both know you should. Some people will tell you that you should never get punished like this. I have to disagree, and will address that further below.

7. It's got to be fun/She can do what she wants

Both of these statements contain elements of truth, but they're dangerous because they're not really wholly true.

If you are playing with someone as a one-off or very occasional thing, then I would say that normally I would expect both sides to want it to be fun. But, if you say "Mistress, you can do whatever you like with me" then you're (probably) not being honest - most of us have some limits - and to some extent you deserve not to have fun until you learn to say "I don't like X, Y, Z Mistress, but anything else is OK." This also gives us the limits of the truth of the second statement. When you submit to someone most of us submit within limits. Within those limits, she can do what she wants. As she gets closer to them she needs to be careful, and pushing hard at or through the limits returns to you the right to say "STOP!" in some pre-arranged fashion (Red as a safeword say) a right she really should respect. If she doesn't respect your stop safeword, that's not D/s that's abuse - although of course occasionally someone can hit the return key when they intend to stop so one or maybe two sentences more could be an honest mistake, it's carrying on regardless that tips it into abuse.

In a longer term relationship it's trickier. Obeying orders you want to, or obeying orders that give you a thrill because they "tickle" a taboo rather than smashing it is fun. Turning up naked to a formal non-D/s ball in Second Life is fun if exhibitionism is one of your foibles for example - and in SL you probably won't get arrested, expelled or similar. Someone has a photo of me in a black and purple latex catsuit and a very obvious steel chastity belt somewhere. PG really, although not quite normal street clothes - except I'm at a teachers' conference at the time. That was fun. But, subs can be very complex things - part of D/s is submitting to your dominant's wishes, even if you don't really want to. Part of you is getting a reward - doing what your dominant wants - whilst other parts of you are wishing you didn't have to do this. One of my former Mistresses had me show people around the house and gardens naked, whoever they were. With most people this wasn't a problem, but just occasionally it would be someone that made me feel very uncomfortable, and I would have to do it anyway. I could do things like not offer to show them around and hope they didn't ask of course - that was OK - but this didn't always work. This kind of awkward order is something that she was perfectly entitled to, wasn't always fun, and yet strengthened my feelings of submission most WHEN it wasn't fun to do. The other thing, of course, is that in a longer-term relationship you will almost inevitably try new things. Some, hopefully most, of them will be good for both of you. Some will be bad for one or the other, some will be bad for both. Healthy relationships can stand this (and often giggle about it later) and decide not to go back there.

8. Collars are Gorean/sacred/represent a personal submission/should be worn by all submissives/something else

The answer here is really something else. Collars are NOT Gorean, but they are universally used in Gor. Collars have been used to restrict slaves (in the non-sexual sense) since at least Roman times in the West, probably longer. Collars have been described in BDSM play for centuries - you can find them in the writings of de Sade for example. Gor adopted the collar because it's such a great symbol of submission/slavery and control - and they were used in history because if you can control someone's head and neck it's very hard for them to do much like escape, run or fight back.

In RL BDSM circles it's common for all submissives or the vast majority of them to wear a collar of some kind and rare for a dominant to do so. You are closer to a situation of "should be worn by all submissives" than anything else. However, in real life it's relatively rare (and uncomfortable in the extreme) for a submissive to wear a collar all the time - in Second Life it's rather common (my collar has not been off in almost two years unless there's an attachment debacle trying new clothes on).

In Second Life I would say that it's more of a "something else" situation - people pick and choose as they like. It is reasonably common for submissives playing with someone, long-term relationship or no, to wear a collar, simply because collars contain lots of goodies that let your dominant control you - affect poses, tie you up and so on. The symbolism of always wearing the collar is representative of being always submissive to someone, and that of the locked collar of it being a restricted, long term relationship.

If you choose, whilst wearing a collar, to go to a Gorean sim, the free there, unless it's clear you're not Gorean, might reasonably assume you are a kajira and treat you as such. Read the rules, wear a "guest" tag or whatever it takes. Explain to them that you're not a kajira you're a visiting submissive and not there for them to play with (most times, if you are polite with such an explanation you will find those trying to "use" you will respect that). At the end of the day, unless you've been abandoned there and told to submit to whatever goes on as a punishment or similar, you can always leave, mute them or whatever it takes, the same as anyone else that doesn't respect your limits and boundaries.

9. All submissives long to be broken

Another tricky one - before you fly off the handle you need to find out what they mean by broken. Most submissives in long term relationships will, at times, hope to or even ask to have their soft limits and even their hard limits explored to find out where they lie now. That would include me, on occasion. Some people describe this exploration as "breaking" and on those terms I would say it's fair comment. To my mind, however, breaking someone is not the same as exploring their limits. Exploring their limits can be done slowly, carefully and lovingly - it is something that is known to be high risk and so taken gently with the expectation at each step that you might have to stop. Breaking them sounds a much more focussed, uncaring process. "I am going to push this limit to the point I want regardless of your wishes" sounds like breaking them. That's never been something that I have any interest in. Some submissives might, but in my experience it's a minority of them, and certainly not all of them.

How you explore those limits, assuming you do, is something between you and your Mistress. I'm always reminded with exploring hard limits of the approaches to curing phobias. There are two methods, called broadly desensitisation and flooding. Desensitisation involves lots of little steps... thinking about spiders, seeing a spider in a cage in a different room, in the same room, out of the cage next door, out of the cage in the room and so on. Flooding is (more appropriately for those with phobias about water) like pushing them in the deep end of the swimming pool. Both have advocates in the psychiatric profession, and times they are probably the best treatment.

10. All submissives are broken, abused, hopeless creatures.

Crap. Pure and utter bullshit. Complete and utter nonsense. It is, inevitably, true that some submissives are. It is equally inevitably true that some dominants are. If you have two large enough subsets of people, there will be people in both subsets. There are estimates that about 25-30% of the population have suffered abuse and about 20-25% of the population have mental health conditions at some point in their lives. If the two are totally unlinked about 5-8% of the population have both (the cross-over is higher in fact, and it's about 15% that are estimated to have both). There's about 10% of the population that have BDSM tendencies, so about 1.5% of the population are into BDSM and have been abused and have mental health conditions. About 3% have BDSM tendencies and a history of abuse, and about 2% have BDSM tendencies and mental health issues.

Within the already selected groups of BDSM people the numbers you would expect return to the population norms - 25-30% will have suffered abuse, 20-25% will have mental health conditions. I would say that actually the proportions you find of both conditions are lower than this in my experience (probably about half of the general levels) suggesting that actually a history of abuse and a history of mental health illness keeps about half of the possibly interested away from the BDSM: It requires a degree of mental toughness and health to cope with the demands of the lifestyle. It is possible (here is even more of a guess) that BDSM attracts those with more serious mental health conditions and those who are both victims of abuse and have related mental health conditions. My experiences don't support this really, but I don't make a habit of surveying the mental health of those I meet in depth, so it is possible and I just haven't noticed it. However, people will say this so if you're exploring the BDSM lifestyle, you might want to make your own mind up about the people you meet - there will be a small proportion of very weird people, just like there are everywhere.

My experience, both personal and seeing those around me, is that by and large both submissives and dominants in happy relationships are at least as happy, mentally stable and so on as the general population. Finding a relationship that fulfils your needs is a good thing for all concerned, even if the day-to-day nature of that relationship isn't quite the norm for your society, whatever that is.

Eloise Pasteur

Infestation at the Cellar!

2009-02-17T11:15:00.000-08:00

It has come to my notice that there may be a plague of brats at the Cellar. This seems to be a clandestine group of subs intent on sowing chaos and disorder at the club. To combat this I am forming a group of "Brat Catchers" to deal with the problem - if you want to join the fight on the side of order then contact me. If anyone catches sight of such a brat then they are to apprehend or capture the beast and inform me immediately for an intensive course of de-programming.

I am sorry for an inconveniance caused (except to the brats).

There is now a corner of the dungeon for dealing with the brats.

You have to be a member of the "Brat Catchers" to open the door.

San

At the bottom of the lagoon

2009-02-06T03:47:00.000-08:00

Ratna and Moni chained at the bottom of the lagoon as shark bait....

Fortunately (?) moni's chastity belt short cicuited and shocked the shark.

San

New Dramatic Rocks and Foam Outside

2009-02-05T10:29:00.001-08:00

See if you can find the two leashing rings to give your sub the best view! ;-)

San

Exhibition of RL Photos by Becky, 1-14 Feb

2009-01-20T12:14:00.000-08:00

Becky will be hosting an exhibition of her RL photos, from 1st Feb to 14th Feb, in the entrance hall of the club. Do leave a message to tell her what you think of them!

San

Half the hall is snowy, to suit the pictures there.
(This was just before Becky started a snowball fight)

Joie making proper goodbyes

2009-01-20T08:33:00.000-08:00

Joie popped back in to SL to say goodbye properly this time, but now is off organising a BDSM club in RL.

San

(then she decided to add bat wings)

Here she is hanging at the Club entrance

Web Links to Selected BDSM sites

2008-12-22T05:08:00.000-08:00

Here are some BDSM sites compiled and selected by Bethanie Breen. They are about RL BDSM but there is much that is relevant to SL too!

Go here to find a munch - limited to US

Munches are safe environments to meet people of like minds, usually in a restaurant in plain clothing.

http://www.the-iron-gate.com/munches/

My suggestion would be to meet people at a munch and if interested, find out about play parties from those you've grown to trust and ask them to invite you. Usually regulars of a play party can invite trusted friends without much of a problem. Please be prepared to have a doctor's diagnosis for the minimum being a good health record of the various STDs.

A list of good books to read if you're going in as a top... Don't expect, as a top that people don't know, to start kissing your feet because you claim you're a top. To be a top acceptable in a community, you have to know what you're doing.

http://www.the-iron-gate.com/books/

BDSM SYMBOLS: For those people that believe that BDSM is ONLY about sex, it is not. It has become a well established organized community with it's own culture and symbolism and meaning.

http://www.the-iron-gate.com/symbols/

The start of BDSM as a society, culture and community:

http://www.lexlyons.org/OldGuardHistory.htm

One specific way a formalized relationship grows otherwise known as the Three Collars.

http://www.submissiveloving.com/collar.html

Examples of BDSM and D/s lifestyle contracts:

GLOBS OF INFORMATION:

The internet has globs of information that is true to life... Don't get hyped by what you see on SL... Most of it is garbage and what isn't is usually jewels in the rocks... hard to get out and even harder to clean. Thanks to the few I've met here that showed me that this is not so for everyone on SL.

How to choose a Domminant - Bethanie Breen

2008-12-22T04:33:00.000-08:00

What is considered a "bad Dom/me"? This question is harder to answer than you might think simply because the answer is subjective, rather than objective. There are no "real" rules of what a bad domme is versus a good domme because the submissive in question is the one responsible to make that decision for themselves. Some of the following things may nevertheless need to be considered.

A Domme must know to have explicit consent by you before any play: This is in reference to scening. If you have a domme that wishes to immediately pop you into some type of roleplay without talking to you first or feels they have the right to just because they're dominant... Don't fall for it... Sure sign of someone that just looks at this as a game with no thought of the other person's emotional state.
A Domme should know to ask for your limitations: A person that assumes that what they feel is right without explicit consent by you strikes me as a person that is not interested in you as a person but as an object to fulfill their kink without regard for your own.
A Domme must earn your trust: Please Please Please Don't give your trust away like it's candy at a candy store!!! Make the domme earn it meaning that you should have preset expectations of what must come first before you hand over your submission to them... At best, the domme will get bored of you and at worse, you will be hurt badly because you assumed something about them that they are not.
A Domme must be able to supply your wants/needs just as much as you would be required to supply theirs. Don't ever think the relationship is one sided. Both needs to have needs and/or desires filled.
Know yourself! Don't blame a domme for assuming things that you don't even know about yourself. Make yourself plain and your words and actions must fit what you need and want. If a domme, with all loving intentions, assumes something because you were either misleading or untruthful. Don't blame them for your pain when it comes.
Know how to separate words from actions: A sure fire way of knowing if a domme is right for anyone is to make sure that the actions of the domme match the words she says. If she uses few words and her actions are right, it is much more honorable than she which uses many words and her actions don't match. Her actions don't match her words and you can bet she's got other ideas in her head than what you've been communicated to.
Don't submit "yet": What do I mean by this? Make sure that you don't give up your initial power to chose at the drop of a hat. Study your needs, study her needs, find a compatability if seen... then... if you're happy and she is just as happy... tie a contract, knot, collar... whatever... no one gets married on the first date (unless they're high or something).
Wary of the rushed domme: I tend to shirk away from a domme that wants to rush the relationship and tend to more easily let go of my trust to a domme that is not seeking so openly and rushed. I feel that a domme that does that is more interested in a "name for herself" than in the relationship being built. A relationship is never rushed from either side of the fence.
Wary of the big family: This may or may not be a big deal for you and you may enjoy it but it is something to consider. A big family leaves little room to work with as far as time alone with your Mistress. Make sure, before going into a family setting (I would suggest no more than 3 anyways) that you and her will be able to have acceptable time together where both of you may be able to fulfill each other's needs. The bigger a family, the smaller your place and gift.
Treat your submission as a gift of very high value: The more you "cheapen" a gift the less value will be seen from it. This separates those that can afford you (provide you with the emotional stability you need) versus those that cannot (players or quick satisfaction). I am not stating that there is something wrong with having "quick satisfaction" if that's what you're looking for. What I am stating is, if you're looking for more and settle for less, you're the one setting yourself up to get hurt.
A wise man has many counselors, a fool only one: Be a learner... Don't try to be a teacher so much or think that you already have a handle at the position and gift you hold. Ask people about the person in question. Ask people what they think of a "hypothetical" situation. Ask people what they think you should do holding them not at all accountable for their opinion. Get ideas from others. You do this you should be just fine.
Guard the Heart: Don't go head over heals in love with a Mistress... Get to know the Mistress. It may be that you may not be in love with the Mistress but in love with the potentiality of what may occur. Wrong move if you want a long lasting relationship. The person you're considering may have a completely different picture. Let yourself fall in love with the person and not the idea of a collar.
Know the worth of a collar: A collar in real life or here has little to no value other than as a symbol of unrestrained submission to one you love. Don't be so rushed for a collar that you miss the beauty (or ugliness) of the one entrusting you with it.
Use your brain THEN give your heart: Analyze your situation and all persons affected with a decision for your devotion. Analyze yourself to make sure that what you want and what they want match. Analyze your position to make sure that what you can offer, they are capable or desirous of receiving. You take a collar and you're putting all your eggs in one basket... make sure it's the right basket and then let your emotions ride the wave.
Be HUMBLE: This does not mean to be a rug to step on. This means that you must be aware that you too can make mistakes and that your idea of what a great domme is, may not be such a great idea. Stand by your convictions but be able to bend at the ear to those that offer advice and change as needed. You may not always be right, no matter what you think... Be sure of your thoughts but with reasoning behind it... Don't accept a thought as truth without sufficient reason to do so. A sub should never say... "I think this way because It's just right for me" Why is it right for you. What consequences may occur on that path... Always question.

Doing these things you may not always find a "good domme" but you will find one good for you.

Exhibition competition decision

2008-12-09T08:36:00.000-08:00

The exhibition seems to have given many people a lot of pleasure both exhibitors and viewers. With one exception the votes cast for the pictures were widespread with none getting more than one vote and most getting a vote! The picture of Jilly and om was the exception and got three votes (see above). I am certainly glad at giving that picture a place at the Cellar, especially since Jilly has helped me a lot managing the club. However I like the other pictures so much that I will use all of them, rotating between them. I like the idea of the club's walls being full of pictures of the members - it is both touching and appropriate since I see the club as ultimately belonging to the members (that is who I run it for).

So many thanks to all those who exhibited as well as those who sent me kinds comments about it.

San

PS. If you dont want me to use the picture as a permenant picture on the club walls, just tell me!

Exhibition of Members' Pictures Upstairs

2008-11-23T05:12:00.000-08:00

There is an exhibiton of pictures from SL by members for the next two weeks (From now until the 7th Dec). Come and see, its upstairs in the ceremony space. Also please drop me a notecard with the names of the 3 you like best!

San

Announcement: Mandy and shaia are wed!

2008-11-11T09:54:00.000-08:00

On November 8, 2008, Mistress Mandylynn Mayako, and her submissive, shaia Impfondo, wed in a private ceremony. The whirlwind romance has flourished since collaring a month earlier. They have both expressed finally finding true love, commitment, and devotion to each other, and wish to proclaim to all SL their marriage and partnering; and to share their happiness with everyone.

The collaring of Pebbles Summers by Miss Tallulah Breen

2008-11-06T05:30:00.000-08:00

Will occur in the Cellar Ceremony room on the 16th November 2008, at 8am SL time.

San

Eiko and Julya's renewal ceremony

2008-11-04T09:04:00.000-08:00

On November 11th 2008, Eiko Zeffirelli and her beautiful submissive Julya Ivory will renew their marriage vows and collaring covenant as a testimonial to the endurance of their love and unfaltering commitment to each other. To celebrate this happy event, Eiko and Julya are cordially inviting all of their Cellar friends to join to the ceremony, which will be officiated by San Mauvaise at the club's throne room at 11 AM SLT (7pm GMT), with an intimate party afterwards. Please RSVP directly to Eiko Zeffirelli or Julya Ivory by November 9.

Love, hugs and kisses,

Eiko Zeffirelli Julya Ivory

Exhibition and competition - SL D/s Pics of Cellar Members

2008-10-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

There will be an exhibition of SL pictures of you (and maybe your sub or Mistress) in the Cellar starting on the 18th November for one week. Submissions for this must feature one or more Cellar members, have a D/s theme, either explicity or tame, and be sent to me in-world as a texture with copy and modify permissions by the end of the 16th November.

All Cellar members will then have a week toview them all and vote on their favourite. I will announce the winner (or winners) at the end of a week on the 25th November. The best will be then installed as framed pictures around the Club. No prize other than (a little) glory and a place on the Cellar wall!

Enjoy

San Mauvaise

New Quality Free stuff from Nandana Singh at the Cellar

2008-10-24T04:45:00.000-07:00

There are a number of plaques that give out free collars and other stuff down the hall by the freebies. All from Nandana Singh (to whom many thanks).

Enjoy.

San

Anniversary of me and my pet, Ratna Markova

2008-10-22T03:22:00.000-07:00

It is exactly one year since I met my jewel of a pet, Ratna Markova, hanging around at the edge of Bondage Ranch. Since then she has been my loyal and constant pet. I count myself very fortunate to have the submission and company of such a wonderful, caring and loving woman.

San

Open Collar

2008-10-20T13:38:00.001-07:00

Nandana Singh has done a great thing by programming a good quality free collar!

Open Collar is a free, open-source fully functional collar with full permissions. It has many features that collars costing L$100s do. From version 2.1 it also includes support for the Restricted Life Viewer.

Since there are full modify permissions there are now a number of versions, including a punk version!

These are freely available, for example from the "Free Scripted Collar" vase at the freebies section down the Hall at the Cellar or from the Cellar shop (http://shop.onrez.com/San_Mauvaise and press the "Yes" to show mature items like the collar).

You may pass it on to others, but please at no cost and with full permissions (please read the license notice that comes with the collar).

Enjoy.

San

PS. If anyone knows any other good quality free items that we could help distribute then please tell me.

Wash Room Facilities in the Dungeon

2008-10-11T01:29:00.000-07:00

I am developing one of the rooms off the dungeon downstairs as a "utility room" for checking out and cleaning dirty subs ;-)

Thus there are facilities for intimately shaving and inspecting/cleaning your sub (sit on balls for the shaving bench, click on things for the inspection).

Also a machine for 'rinsing' a pet (also heating them to dry them), a hose (click on it) for hosing them down and a washing line with points for hanging them out to dry.

I am still looking for a good machine to 'spin dry' subs, so if you know of any suitable, please tell me!

Enjoy!

San

Club Store on XLStreet

2008-09-27T01:21:00.000-07:00

I am setting up a store to distribute free stuff and sell stuff made by members on https://uncensored.xstreetsl.com/modules.php?name=Marketplace&MerchantID=29654 (login to or select Uncensored to see most items). If any full member wants to sell stuff through this, then I offer this as a free service - I will pay them 100% of what they get in sales. Stuff has to be vaguely relevant to D/s or BDSM, of reasonable quality, theirs to distribute and at an accessible price. Contact me in-world if interested.

San

Why Submissives Take So Much Time

2008-09-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

by Eloise Pasteur

NOTE: I'm writing in the singular throughout this, because that's my experience. The same principles seem to apply if there are multiple dominants in a long term relationship with the submissive, or several submissives, or several of both. Similarly I'm writing with female pronouns throughout, but it applies to men too to the best of my knowledge.

INTRODUCTION
It's a truism of the D/s world and the BDSM world that a submissive always wants more time with her dominant. It doesn't matter whether she is a slave, a pain slut, a bondage babe, a maid, a pampered pet, or whatever other labels for types of submissives you know, they all (and certainly including me) want as much time with their dominant as possible. You might be able to find one or two out there who don't follow this general rule, but if you're a dominant you're going to need to seriously think about your time, and how much your submissive will take. It seemingly applies to anyone with the submissive attitude - if you know a masochistic top who likes controlling their pain, it might not apply to them, but they're not submissive.

Although I've known about this for some time, I've recently started wondering why. It is such a universal feature that I tend to think it's tied up with the submissive make-up - it's part of the package that goes with making us submissive. That package includes the desire, some would say the need, to give control to another as it's defining feature - giving up control like that is what makes a submissive after all. It isn't immediately obvious why this leads to desire for time, but I think, with a little effort on your part, I can explain to you why and how it does. This will lead to some suggestions for ways you could, whether you're the dominant or the submissive, change things so both parties are happy with each other in the long term.

In an attempt to explain what the time and attention of my dominant feels like, I came up with the metaphor of taking a drink. We all have drinks, tea, coffee, water, juice, whatever. We take those drinks because we want, and at some level, need them. (The survial adage of 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food might be a simplification, but it's a clear indication of just how much we do need those drinks.) But think of those hot days when, for whatever reason, you don't get a drink for a few hours. Remember how good it feels when you finally get a drink, even if it's just water? That's the closest thing I can think of to how it feels when there's time with my Mistress after some time apart - it's that essential, that visceral and that good and it neatly encapsulates the idea of needing time frequently, just like we need a drink every few hours.

The first place we need to look is not at time and submissives however. It is, rather, at a different, strong, human need: the need for attention. You see attention seeking behaviour everywhere: from a baby crying, to the pretty young things dressing to impress, to the desire to be a star, to the drive to succeed, to the stereotypical old biddies sharing gossip about their neighbours - gaining attention because they've got juicy news. We all have this to a greater or less extent. Being an exhibitionist at heart, I have some aspects of it quite strongly and expressed that way, even if in many other roles such as organising events, I'm more than happy to do the work quietly in the background. Writing is another way in which I express my desire for attention - you're paying attention to my ideas and how I think if you're reading this after all.

There can be passive ways to achieve attention too. I'm showing both my age and my musical tastes if I talk about Dave Vanian and The Damned. They were a British punk band of the 70's and 80's in the main, although still touring in the 90's and around into the noughties, although with a different line up. Dave Vanian is the lead singer. Unusually for a lead singer he didn't really want to be in the spotlight - the guitar player Captain Sensible took and still takes that. But, Vanian quite routinely appears in pubic in a gimp mask, hardly behaviour to make you fade into the background even as you hide your face. If you are into pony play or fornophillia (the fetish of being furniture) you might recognise this passive attention seeking behaviour.

I'm not saying that we all have the same degree of drive for attention, nor even that it's a single clear-cut drive: we can want attention for our minds rather than our bodies - Germaine Greer might be a good example; or we can claim we want attention for our singing rather than our bodies whilst acting in a way that makes the rest of the world think it's more about the body - Britney Spears (like her or loathe her) springs irresistibly to mind!

So, let's take as given that submissives in general, like everyone else, have some desire for attention. But, they're often not really forceful about reaching out for it - in fact they're often downright shy and reluctant to take the spotlight even when deserving. However, submissives in a D/s relationship do have at least one person with whom they can have their needs met, even those needs they're sometimes reluctant to express, or in extreme cases those needs they're incapable of expressing. That person would be their dominant. Stop and think about it a moment - whichever side of the D/s divide you're on, one thing that is strongly expressed in the relationship, however short term it may be, is attention to the other.

The submissive listens for orders, strains to use her ears whilst blindfolded to try and work out what is going to happen next, dresses according to the orders of the dominant and so on. She pays attention to every whim of the dominant. At the same time the dominant pays attention to the submissive. Has she changed her clothes as instructed? Has she knelt in the right way in the right place? When in bondage, are her extremities still warm so blood is circulating? If you play in a sexual fashion, the dominant will often play the submissive's body like an instrument - whether that's bringing her to orgasm after orgasm after orgasm in an uncontrollable succession or bringing her to the edge and keeping her there, then bringing them down, then back to the edge and down and so on there is an incredible amount of attention being paid to the submissive at this time. There is also an incredible amount of attention being paid by the submissive to the dominant, at least until the release makes paying attention impossible.

The sex-related times are, at least if the sex is good, not unique to the D/s crowd of course. But the attention the rest of the time by and large is unique to the D/s crowd, at least in the long term.

Think about your last long-term vanilla partner. At first you would notice everything about her, and her about you. As time goes by, that changes - you still notice sometimes of course, like when you're dressing up to go out, or you're planning to seduce her, or she's seducing you, but when you're in a rush to get out to work, do you stop to notice what she's wearing? You might sometimes, you might tomorrow after reading this, but it becomes a routine and you don't really notice: you don't entirely stop paying attention, but you stop paying attention every minute of every day.

That reduction of attention from every minute of every day happens in D/s relationships too, but here the power imbalance can keep the attention levels much higher than in a vanilla relationship. For example, there have been times Mistress has to work, but has tied me to the bed. She has sat next to me working, to some extent leaving me there to stew, or shiver if her pleasure today is more towards ice cubes. But these times occur when the work is lots of short bursts - reading RSS feeds, answering emails or similar; and in between emails she will turn to me and pay attention to me. It might be a pat, a tug on a nipple, a drink of water, slipping another ice cube into me, a quick chat or similar. Although it's not continuous attention as the pressures of everyday life and work interfere with that, it's more attention than I would expect to get in a vanilla relationship after over a year - rather than being tied there at Mistress' convenience I'd be reading, answering my own emails or similar, and whilst we might be in bed together, our attention would be apart despite our physical closeness.

Does this desire for attention entirely explain the situation? Nearly, but not quite. A dominant is in a wonderful place to, amongst everything else, satisfy much or all of her submissive's need for attention. She gets, in return, a different but complimentary return to her own need for attention. But that doesn't quite explain why a submissive craves so much of her dominant's time. There is, even when the submissive is involved in a range of other activities and gets reward and even attention from those activities, some very powerful way in which only her dominant will do.

Why might this be? Here a slightly different process comes into effect. Whilst to some extent you could argue that anyone's attention should do, that's not really true. This is borne out by the experience of longing for the dominant and only the dominant that is so often seen in D/s relationships, but is not unique to D/s relationships. In fact most of us, submissives or otherwise, don't crave random attention, that is attention from strangers (actors and pop-stars being obvious exceptions), we prefer attention from those we know, and more particularly those we respect, love and trust. In a healthy long-term D/s relationship the dominant will occupy a prominent place of respect, love and trust from her submissive. This is the crux of the situation - the dominant is almost certainly one of the strongest if not far and away the strongest embodiments of each of respect, love and trust for the submissive - it's certainly hard to submit if you don't respect and trust your dominant, even if you can submit to those you don't love. Because of this the dominant is almost always the person whose time and attention is held in the highest regard by the submissive, and when combined with the unwillingness to overtly seek attention from others thanks to the submissive nature - possibly her dominant is the sole person who can give satisfying time and attention to the submissive - and so the submissive wants this as much as possible.

COPING WITH THE TIME DEMANDS - THOUGHTS FOR THE DOMINANT
So now you have some idea why your submissive might come to expect a lot of your time. There really isn't that much they can do about it either. We are talking very powerful drives of human nature here. There are more powerful drives - to breathe, to eat, to drink - but the drive for human company, for attention is very strong. If you are going to have a successful long term relationship with your sub, you will have to learn how to cope with this.

There are, of course, some simple steps for the D/s couple.

Perhaps the most obvious, but in some ways the least useful: the dominant can just tell the submissive that she is unavailable at certain times. Whilst this is an option, bear in mind that for many D/s relationships the only real punishment is denial of contact so here, if not for anything else, it is worth explaining why you are doing this. If your submissive understands what is going on, she will accept it much more happily, at least most of the time, than if you just tell her, at least for this sort of issue. I am not suggesting you explain every order - speaking as a submissive there is joy in just obeying and there is certainly joy in not knowing what is happening in a scene. But this isn't about a scene, this is about the long-term health of your relationship and that is worth an explanation even if your power-dynamic is such that you don't have to explain. Although I think this is probably the least useful option it is, however, still good for short term, occasional things - remembering to give that explanation. If you tell your submissive that you're doing a demonstration to your boss at work about working in Second Life, the submissive should understand and happily leave you in peace without feeling neglected.

You can also consider ways your submissive can be present, but not interfering. For example, if you work in Second Life in a situation that is not really D/s friendly you could introduce a "best behaviour" rule where your submissive must be decently dressed, not wearing any bondage wear beyond collar and cuffs, and she must stand and chat with you by name rather than kneeling and talking by title. This may not work in your relationship and doesn't in many, but can work well in some of them. It can particularly work in relationships with a strong real life element - because living and working in the real world requires these kinds of compromises anyway - it may not be unknown, but it's uncommon to see a couple at work where one continuously kneels to the other and calls her Mistress after all. The submissive, even if not overtly submitting, is still with you and getting some of your time and company which makes her happy. In Second Life you can, of course, IM them and keep a side channel in which she acts properly respectfully to you, unless your boss is leaning over your shoulder in real life!

Alternatively when you are working on something where you want peace and quiet you can do things like set reading or allow your submissive to attend but stay silent. If you set reading, consider setting a quiz at the end and reward her if she does well. She will quickly strive to learn for you and to gain the reward which, depending on your relationship, could be as little as a kiss. You might also consider things like letting her choose her own clothes for a day, or the choice of the piece of bondage equipment you will tie her to tonight, or reward her with the knowledge that the next time you play you will let her orgasm.

Consider too how you can build time into the day for your submissive. It doesn't have to be much, remember the sips of water metaphor from above. Five minutes here, ten minutes there can help quite a lot. Log in and if you have control of her clothing tell them to change and what to change into. Get her to do a slow strip for you and then you dress her, or chain her or bind her in a yoke or whatever until the next time you can be with her. It's attention, and you can tell her what you're going to be up to. Then, on a day when you're not at work, you can go and spend all the time you like, and she needs, with her.

Remember too, that although you may not have the time and energy for a scene, you can do other things. For example, taking your submissive shopping can be a lot easier on the mind and body than running a scene with them. Most submissives, at least if you allow them to get dressed, enjoy shopping for clothes, and most of them enjoy shopping for new toys too - and even get a thrill from seeing toys for fetishes that they don't like and being asked to hop on them in the store. This gives them that little thrill of "OMG will she really make me do this at home" mixed in with breaking taboos in public, plus the belief that you probably won't start a scene in a shop but it is attention as well as some form of active submission which is just the ticket, even if only for a couple of minutes in the shop.

If you do go shopping, and you have the time, there is always the ritual of showing what you've just bought her too. Depending on where you shop, even one outfit may take some time - I recently bought an outfit with about 35 different items (and not just the same items on different layers) - demonstrating all the combinations of that to find the way Mistress liked it best took over an hour in which all her attention was on me, but she was just sitting back, watching me change clothes and discussing which bits she liked the best. I'm fairly sure this is lower effort on her part than an intense scene, but it made me feel great and gave me lots and lots of attention. If this had been mixed with play, and it can often lead that way for us, it could have taken hours if not days.

Another alternative would be to set her tasks. For example, say you'd like her to find certain types of places, and then spend the time required to go to the places she's found. Want to display your submissive in public, in bondage? Have her search for places that allow or even encourage this. Want to train her as a pony girl? Have her search out a few schools. If you keep your submissive in a kennel or cage routinely, letting her have a day free to explore like this can be a reward in its own right of course. Exploring half a dozen new sims or clubs to find one that you like can easily take quite some time, but it's time where you're not constantly as focussed as you would be in a normal scene so it is less draining on you, but your submissive will love you for it.

Or consider having her do things for you. Want to have a new bed and have a submissive who can build, or who can design textures for when you build? Set her to it. When it's done examining, and then testing, the bed can be a great spark for some play too - you're asking her questions about design decisions, functionality etc. and you're paying attention to her creative work which is always a great place to give her attention if she's inclined that way, and it can give you fun ways to praise, mock punish and otherwise lavish attention on your submissive. Be warned though: if you have a submissive who hates building, this isn't such a good thing to do, but you can almost certainly find something that they will like doing that it useful for both of you.

INTERMISSION: THE MAGIC OF PRESENCE
Being in the presence of the dominant is not quite the same as having their attention. You could be lying on your bed reading, with your submissive kneeling quietly in the corner, watching you carefully from her lowered eyes. You pay no attention to her, at least until you are done with your reading or you need a drink or whatever. This doesn't do the same thing as paying attention, but can be still be deeply satisfying in a passive way for the submissive.

Why? Well some of it is tied up in being with the one she loves of course. Some of it is that she is actively submitting and demonstrating her submission - you have told her to kneel in that corner and keep quiet and even if you're not paying attention in particular you're aware that she hasn't moved away and she's doing what they're told, and she will know that. Some of it is that hope that you will comment and give attention at the end of the time. Some of it is that hope that you will finish what you're doing and lead directly into a scene. But even when you don't, you started with some direct attention - you gave the order, she has carried out your wishes in a way that she knows you've noticed at some level, and you give her another order at the end, that she can go, at a minimum. If I'm with Mistress, she might or might not focus her attention on me - but if I'm not with her she can't so being with her is always better.

THOUGHTS FOR THE SUBMISSIVE
From the perspective of a submissive, you can also make intelligent choices about you and how you get what you want in terms of time and attention. This isn't always in your control, as your dominant may change things on you of course, but in general you can have some input.

First, and this is going to sound like a really odd one especially coming from another submissive, put yourself first for a little while. Think seriously about what you need from your relationship to keep you happy. Consider how, in the boundaries of the relationship, you can express that need. If you or your dominant work outside of Second Life, and most of us do, will an email on work days do? Do you want to give your dominant control over your clothes and dress they way they choose every day - which only takes a few minutes on their part after all, but which can be a continuous reminder to you of your submission and can also display it to others depending on your Mistress' choices. If your Mistress can get into Second Life for that time, you can strip out of today's clothes and dress in tomorrow's clothes with her: a short, but incredibly satisfying way of spending time together if you play that way. If you use the Restrained Life Viewer your dominant can even be reasonably sure that you're staying dressed, or undressed, as they chose.

Consider the dominant next. If your dominant works 14 hour days, she may well not have five minutes for you. Most of us don't work 14 hours days on a regular basis, but recently I had to travel for work on two days in succession and the days were actually 16 hours long. If Mistress had been around that evening I would have tried to be there for her, but I would have been really tired - if it was Mistress doing the long working day, realising that she wouldn't be there for me and accepting that would have been only reasonable.

Remember too, there is always going to be a tension between your life needs - work, shopping, etc. and your emotional needs - time with your dominant, love, attention, sex, etc. Whilst as a submissive you are, to a larger than normal extent about giving up power and control, you are still an adult. Sometimes as adults we have to take responsibility for ourselves. Even if you're in a total power exchange relationship you will have an opinion and will probably be allowed to express it about the balance of your life and career. Talking about these things with your dominant makes sense: they probably know your situation better than anyone else after all. But in most relationships, certainly those solely or predominantly in Second Life, the decision to go for that promotion or that new job is up to you. Or, to return to a shopping context, you know that you're running out of coffee and need to go shopping tomorrow. Your dominant has those same tensions of course, but won't necessarily find it any easier to make them than you do and if you're in Second Life only they can't send you to buy the coffee for them. But, because you are the one making the choices, you should be making choices where you are prepared to live with the consequences.

It may sound odd to switch from talking about huge decisions like changing jobs to talking about the time you spend with your dominant, but we're talking about something that could be long term and have a direct impact on your happiness, and through your happiness on your health. This is a big decision with the potential for real consequences. You should be able to expect your relationship to increase your happiness, and to some extent that will always mean you wanting more time and attention - although after a particularly intense scene or series of scenes you may temporarily feel the need to recover outweighing that!

Having done all this thinking, and planning on a grand scale, let's think about the day-to-day. It's OK to want more time and attention, it's certainly OK to indicate, however you can within your relationship, when you are feeling neglected. However, you need to consider this carefully. Are you being neglected, or are you wanting more of a good thing? There is no harm in wanting more of a good thing but if you seek more attention at a time when your dominant doesn't have the capacity to readily give it to you simply because you want more, you aren't really considering her and her situation. Although you may have to be selfish at times, you should normally expect to put the dominant first. If, on the other hand, you wait to indicate your need until you are feeling so neglected you have become miserable, depressed or angry, you have waited too long and you are risking damaging the relationship which is also not good for your dominant. You may like to consider code words, like safe words, that you can use to indicate how this is going. "Longing for time with you," could be the first warning that you're starting to feel neglected. "Yearning for you," could be the second warning, and "desperate for time with you," becomes the emergency signal that things are really bad - a bit like green, amber and red if you use the traffic light signals in a scene. You can, of course, choose words and phrases that suit you - but make sure your dominant understands them too. And, when considering this, think carefully about your need - you may want time today, time tomorrow, time every day, but if you accelerate from "love you" to "longing for you" to "yearning for you" to "desperate for you" in a matter or hours or a couple of days on a regular basis, I wouldn't believe you and your dominant probably won't either. You're in a situation a bit like the boy that cried fire from the poem - he did it so often when there was a fire, the people walking by simple mutter "little liar" and so he burnt to death.

It may be you, rather than the dominant that has the time issues thanks to Real Life - or both of you of course. It can be very hard, particularly if you are a slave rather than a sub, to negotiate ways to spend not so much time with your dominant. This would be a time to step out of role and honestly, but respectfully, discuss what you can do and what you can't do for her. Can you find 20 minutes a day to spend with your dominant? Can you find an hour a couple of times a week? This is probably not ideal for both of you, but maintaining the relationship takes some time and effort. When you do have time, you should expect to be wholly at your dominant's mercy, even more than usual, because she will have indulged you around your work time. If you really don't have time to give to the relationship, you should consider leaving it or changing the nature of your relationship to cope. It's not always the dominant that can't give the time - and the dominant may well not be too impressed if the only time she sees you, you are totally desperate for her attention even above her desire to control you.

CONCLUSION
It is almost certain given how universal this desire for more time and attention is that you can't, whether you are the dominant or the submissive, get rid of it. Hopefully the thoughts, ideas and experiences above have at least indicated if not convinced you this desire for time and attention is probably incredibly intimately tied to being a submissive and the nature of the D/s relationship - so if you work hard on removing this element of the submissive character traits you might well destroy what makes them submissive too - which is not really the goal of anyone who is likely to be reading this. You might be a submissive who doesn't want to be, but dominants tend to need submissives to let them express their dominant nature as much as submissives need dominants to submit to.

Given that you seriously need, in any relationship you are in that is going to last more than a scene, to consider how much time you have to give as a dominant, and how much time you need (as opposed to want) to have as a submissive. If there is a bad mismatch here, just as much as if there is a bad mismatch in the limits and interests of the partners, you might consider this a bad sign for the long term stability of the relationship.

As a submissive, you should consider how you can change to accommodate your dominant, and be understanding of the fact that she has other demands on their time. As a dominant you may wish to consider how you can change your activities in a way that doesn't significantly inconvenience you, but lets you give your submissive more time with you - remember simply being in your presence may help - and how to give her the attention that she needs in a way that you can afford personally and professionally.

If you can't change, either of you, then you may well find that the relationship falls apart. Whilst relationships have a natural life span which may well be shorter than a lifetime if your relationship is good in other ways, small changes like this may well be worth considering for the sake of the happiness of all concerned, don't you think?

Joie has left SL

2008-09-16T03:39:00.000-07:00

Sad news... Joie has decided to leave SL. She said in her note:

"I wanted to send this out to everyone that I know on s/l. I have decided to delete my account. In fact, the cancellation is allready in, and time's a bit short.

Nothing is wrong, nothing bad has happened in r/l. I have simply thought about it, considered, and decided to spend more time with r/l, walking away from s/l. I will allways think about the time I've spent, and the poeple I've known and loved on s/l and smile. Thank all of you for every moment."

I wish her well in her future life. Although she played being a bit of a brat, and obviously craved attention, she did care for those around her. I will miss her playful presence.

San

D/s and Abuse in SL

2008-09-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

by San Mauvaise (with contributions, corrections and editing by others including Eloise Pasteur).

This is a piece about emotionally abusive relationships in the context of SL and BDSM. It may be that some of this is also useful in other contexts but was only written with this one in mind. Comments and suggestions of improvements please!

Short Summary

D/s (Dominance/submission) relationships can and should be free from abuse. Just because you are submissive by nature and have given control to another does not mean you don't have rights. A D/s relationship should (overall) satisfy both partner's needs and enhance them as individuals. If you are very unhappy in a D/s relationship then consider the bulleted "Indications of an abusive relationship" and "Indications of a healthy relationship below". Talk to other people in the same situation as you are, and see what they think of your relationship -- consider especially if when you do this you tell the truth or feel obliged to cover up facts. If it is abusive, it is not your fault and you have every right to leave, regardless of whether you screwed up or what assurances/commitments you gave.

Personal Prolog

I was in a relationship in SL, which I now (finally) recognise as abusive. I was lucky in that I was saved from it and myself by the love of people I knew. Even after it had finished I continued to make excuses for her behaviour for months afterwards. Compared to some relationships this was not grand abuse but nonetheless it was real -- it made me unhappy for a sustained period of time, caused me to significantly hurt some of my SL friends and wasted months of my life. There were times when I left SL crying or hid in my bed. This is despite the fact that there were wonderful times, that I loved her and she loved me. Although I endlessly forgave her for what she did to me (I still do) I later discovered that she had seriously hurt others as the result of deliberate deception. Although at times she did recognise what she had done, the habits of reconstructing memories and justifications reasserted themselves after a period and she has hurt at least one other person since. I have been so lucky in the steadfast love I have received since then which has enabled me to rebuild myself. If this notecard goes anyway to prevent this from happening again or reducing the impact of such people, it will have been worthwhile.

Introduction

BDSM and D/s can be neatly characterised as *playing* at abuse for the mutual gratification of the participants. However BDSM and D/s are *not* in themselves abuse. The point of BDSM and D/s is to enjoy playing without it being abuse. In other words, to give an arena for the playing out and experiencing of otherwise taboo sensations and emotions but in a safe way that enhances rather than diminishes the participants. Yes they often involve aspects of interaction that are also used in abusive relationships, but although some of the forms are similar, the content and context are different. BDSM or D/s is no more to do with abuse than paint-balling is to do with killing people. However, as in every other walk of life, there are abusive people in BDSM and D/s. Moreover the techniques and technologies used in BDSM are well suited to exploitation by an abuser, and a D/s context can be used to mask an abusive relationship.

Of course, in a way the problem of abusive relationships in SL is much less of a problem than in RL, because of the relative ease of walking away. In RL walking away can be a complex, difficult and personally costly business. In SL is often sufficient to simply making it clear you dont want anything to do with an abuser anymore, removing them from your friends list and moving to different locations is (if they stalk you it is a different matter -- for this see the appendix below). However doing this can come at *some* cost - the cost of the relationship itself, the loss of friends and locations one likes, the loss of items and (not least) the feeling of failure. These potential losses can make it difficult for someone to leave an abusive relationship -- hence the need for this notecard. Just becuase one can consent to an abusive relationship does not stop it being abusive!

What is an abusive relationship?

What is an abusive relationship? Basically it is a relationship where person exploits another in a relationship for their own goals or due to their own nature. Thus there is a basic asymmetry of satisfaction between the partners -- one person is basically miserable and oppressed whilst the other satisfies their own needs at the expense of their partner's happiness and sense of self. Outside of a D/s relationship this may be externally indicated by physical abuse, emotional abuse, humiliation etc. to maintain that asymmetry of satisfaction, but the thing that makes it abusive is the same in both D/s and vanilla relationships.

Within a D/s relationship there will usually, probably often, be elements that appear to mimic physical abuse (bondage, spanking and so on), emotional abuse ("We're going shopping, no, stay naked and crawl after me.") and the like. There is an inherent asymmetry of D/s in which there is a controlling partner and a controlled partner, but the controller acts in a way that brings significant satisfaction, joy, self-worth and rewards to the controlled. The asymmetry of D/s is of control not of satisfaction and joy.

No relationship is perfect

Of course, no relationship is perfect and will have aspects or times when one or other partners are either miserable or feel oppressed but this is a mile away from an abusive relationship where this is the norm and the abuser acts to stop the oppressed partner rectifying or changing the situation. In normal relationships it is usual for there to be down periods, but firstly the other partner is usually concerned to rectify this, secondly this period results in communication about and/or adjustment of the relationship to rectify the situation (or else the relationship ends) and finally these periods are the exception rather than the norm. In D/s relationships there may be elements of play which temporarily cause feelings of misery and oppression -- most subs will choose to endure these (and then ask later never to do that again please!) - safe words exist to give you an out if it gets too much. Occasionally getting it wrong (so the sub feels oppressed and miserable by the play) will probably happen if you experiment regularly in play (and the Dominant doesn't get it quite right) but can also happen because D/s play is often deeply affecting so that subtle changes in other parts of your life can make things you liked last week intolerable this week. The same can be true in vanilla relationships where trying something new, or a disturbance in other parts of your life affects your mood at home even if you are not directly aware of the cause.

Abuse affects Dominants too

Although a submissive is obviously much more vulnerable to abuse, Dominants are not immune to it. I have known D/s relationships where the demands of the "submissive", accompanied by emotional blackmail and tantrums have made their life a misery. However, this way around is much rarer as a Dominant will often simply reject such submissives when they try to take over control of the interaction. One thing you should be aware of if you are new to being a Dominant: submissives will, usually quite passively, take up as much of your time as they can. They will want to be with you and this will almost certainly strengthen over time. This is in contrast to many vanilla relationships where an initial, infatuated phase often moves into a phase where you love each other deeply but do your own things too. Controlling this demand for time in a D/s relationship can be very difficult particularly if, as is quite often the case, denial of contact is one of the few genuine punishments you have available.

Indications of an abusive relationship

How might you know you are in an abusive relationship? There is no single infallible criterion that will identify an abusive relationship, however there are a series of indicators that, taken together, give a pretty good indication. However a common feature of abusive relationships is the self deception practiced by the victim. Thus the unfortunate truth is that if you are in an abusive relationship then you are probably making all sorts of excuses to yourself and others to justify the actions of your abuser. Facing the personal failure and loss implied by an abusive relationship is often harder than enduring the next bit with the hope that it will all be better in the future. If more than one of the below is true of your relationship then it may well be abusive - if several are true then it is almost certainly abusive.

Do you normally have a feeling of dread when about to meet this person?
Is there a huge *release* feeling of relief if that person seems to be kind to you this time.
Do you often leave that person feeling dreadful with feelings of depression, failure, self-reproach and hurt?
Do you often leave SL in RL tears?
Do you often seek to run-away from that person, hide from them, or avoid going into SL when you know they are around?
Do you feel better at times when you know they will not be around?
Is there a cycle of leaving them and then returning to them?
Does the person never seem to understand or appreciate your point of view, so that you spend a lot of time trying to justify your actions in terms of their view of things?
Do recriminations and blame seem to go on for ages, with old faults of yours continually brought up and gone over?
Does the relationship *only* act to satisfy the needs of that person and not yours (except your need to please them, make them happy, care for them)?
Is that person jealous of any friends you may have, however innocent those friendships are?
Do you find that you avoid seeing friends because you are afraid that this will always be misinterpreted by this person?
Is it effectively impossible to talk *about* your relationship with them at all? (for example if you do the discussion quickly becomes unpleasant).
Are guilt, fear and their needs the primary drivers of you staying with them?
Do you find that you are often defending the actions of this person to yourself and others?
Does the relationship tend to cycle around the same patterns again and again, where each crisis occurs but then nothing changes until the next one?
Do you lie about aspects of the relationship to friends in order that they might not think bad of this person?

Two D/s context specific indicators:

Does the Dominant regularly play in ways that make you feel miserable or oppressed? (this might not indicate abuse: you could be a badly matched couple, but it could be abuse)
Does the Dominant ignore use of the safeword by you?

Indications of a healthy relationship

In the other direction signs of a healthy relationship are similarly complex and difficult to capture. Relationships differ a great deal and it is often impossible to judge from the outside of a relationship whether it is meets the needs of those in it. In particular you can not tell in a BDSM or D/s context what the relationship is like by going by common social norms. Thus just because someone is always in chains or being 'beaten' does not mean that it is abusive (whereas this would be a clear indication outside of a BDSM relationship). Thus, as above, the criteria below need to be taken as a whole and not in isolation or generalise from a single instance.

Thus in a healthy relationship you should find that many of the below are true for much of the time.

That you look forward to seeing that person, meeting them is something you desire.
The times when you are in conflict are the exception rather than the times which you are in rough harmony.
That the relationship routinely makes you feel happy, satisfied, peaceful
That you are enjoying the relationship most times in the present and not relying on the hope that it will be better in the future.
That you are proud of the way your partner treats you -- even when in private (does not mean you would tell anyone these, but that you are still judge them as something worthy of praise).
That you comminicate with fair frequency *about* your relationship without being effectively discouraged in any way from doing this.
That the relationship changes slowly over time, adjusting to your needs at times.
That your partner encourages you to grow in aspects outside your immediate relationship, to develop and maintain other friendships, projects, skills and hobbies
That your partner shows substantial trust in you (e.g. to behave when not with them).
That when things go wrong they are quickly addressed and rarely if ever repeated.

Things that do not show a relationship is free from abuse

Things that do *not* prove a relationship is free from abuse include:

that the person loves you,
that they need you,
that you consent to the arrangement,
that you are in love with them,
that you care about them obsessively,
that they have good reasons for being as they are,
that they cant help being as they are,
that at times they are aware that they act badly,
that they often regret what they do,
that you are not perfect in terms of your care for them,
that they sometimes make you feel wonderful,
that you are not a worthy person for their love,
that you frequently make mistakes.

ALL of these can be true and it still be an abusive relationship.

Healthy D/s relationships are possible

Clearly it is my (and many others') view that healthy D/s relationships are possible, where the participants are able to express their submissive or dominant sexualities whilst fostering the mental flourishing and joy of both partners. In fact, it is my view that, accepting that some people do have submissive or dominant sexualities is important, in exactly the same way as accepting lesbian, gay and transsexual people is important. Whatever a person's sexuality, they have a right to express this in ways that are mutually pleasurable with other consenting adults, without that having *any* effect on their rights and responsibilities as an individual. Thus, for example, people should have the right to be a sexual submissive without that stopping them being high-flying managers in their job, or to be a dominant in SL whilst being the office cleaner in RL. Our sexualities are powerful forces inside us, they can lead us to do things that otherwise we would not contemplate -- hence they need to be expressed only where this does not involve abuse of others -- i.e. where such interaction is to the mutual satisfaction of those involved. One can no more cure/reform a sexual submissive or Dominant than one can cure/reform a lesbian or transsexual -- one can only accept and even celebrate their existence. All sexualities should practice safe and consensual sex and mutually satisfactory relationships -- D/s is no exception to this.

Avoiding an abusive relationship

Trivially the best way to avoid an abusive relationship is not to get into one in the first place. From a submissive's point of view this involves looking for a good and responsible dominant, a topic which is covered in a seperate notecard (Finding a Dominant). It is impossible to avoid all chance of this occurring as abusive types will often hide their nature in the early stages, being romantic and passionate lovers or caring and attentive Dominants. However there are things one can do that can make it more difficult to be taken in and easier to escape. Most importantly is maintaining and even developing friends, interests and contacts that are seperate from the relationship. Such social networks help in many different ways, they give a perspective on what is normal and acceptable in terms of behaviour, they can lift your mood and hence make you less amenable to oppression and they provide social recourses for when you need help. Secondly is deciding and sticking to a set of personal standards which determine what one would and would not do for anyone (including the person with whom you are relating). Simply refusing to go beyond these gives you an area of your life over which you retain control and limits the damage an abusive relationship might do. Finally the simple step of not giving out any identifying RL information is the most basic safety tip, this allows you the confidence that whatever occurs will be limited to SL. If you want to get to know them in RL go *very* cautiously and gradually -- wait 2-3 months after you have got to know them in SL, use safe email addresses (such as specially created yahoo or gmail accounts) to write, exchange photos, use voice/skype to talk, meet in the RL *before* you have given them your RL name, address and phone number!

Other reasons why a relationship may make one unhappy

If you are very unhappy with a relationship, this may or may not be because it is abusive. It is entirely possible to be very unhappy in a relationship in which there is no abuse at all. On the other hand, if the unhappiness is largely one-sided and ongoing, you might consider the above criteria as an indication of whether it might be abusive. The opinion of friends is often a better guide to this, but it is easy to dismiss the opinion of friends as having a particular viewpoint and easier to persuade friends that things are alright. However, if you do have any doubts in your mind as to whether your relationship is abusive, then do talk to someone about it. It is worth saying that any relationship which makes you very unhappy, particularly if it does this often or regularly, whether or not it's an abusive one, is a relationship you should seriously consider changing or ending.

What to do if you think you may be in an abusive relationship

If you want to leave a relationship at times but the person effectively prevents this (by stalking you, using threats, tantrums, emotional blackmail about how hurt they will be, socially embarrassing you, threats against your friends, simply not giving you time to think etc.) then you should seriously consider that this relationship is now abusive (even if it was not to begin with). You have a complete right to leave a relationship - doubly so for an SL relationship which will have little impact in the real world. You have this right even if you feel that it was you that you that screwed the relationship up or you who were at fault!

If you decide to leave such a relationship then, in this order:

mute that person
ban them from your land (if you have any)
send them a 1-line IM saying only that the relationship is ended and you do not want to hear from them again (nothing else)
remove them from your friends list (4) remove them from any personal groups
remove yourself from any of their groups
(if possible) move away from places you used to frequent togther.
In a D/s context reset all scripts, remove all owner-permissions etc. on any attachments (collar etc.) you have used with your former partner.
avoid any discussion with that person, especially those where you feel the need to justify your actions.

If the person stalks you or tries to make you SL life unpleasant then consider some of the steps listed below.

Steps to escaping an SL stalker

Stalking in Second Life, after you have muted the person, removed them from your friends list, banned them from your land and so on is still possible. It is, however, relatively hard.

That said, there are tools that you may have granted them the right to use that can do this. For example, many collars carry tracking devices. They will only report your location to a registered owner though, so clearing the owner list and resetting the scripts as discussed above should prevent this continuing. However, if you have ever given your former partner items for them to sort out for you, particularly if they are adept at scripting, they may have hidden scripts that continue to work after a reset. The first stop could be to compare the scripts in your version of your collar, cuffs etc. with the version in a friend's. Are there new scripts, or scripts with different modify dates? If you're not sure about this, it is probably safest to throw them all away and buy new.

If you find you are continuously stalked at home the chances are there's something around that's reporting your position. Return anything that belongs to your ex-partner (if you haven't already). If it continues seriously consider returning everything, even your stuff. Most houses are copyable, but you might need new furniture, or to find a friend that scripts and can check your furniture has nothing odd in it. If, after that it still continues consider moving. There are ways to check from your neighbors if you're there, but only if the neighbors will let them. This probably means your ex is friends with the neighbor so whilst you could ask if they've got anything there, simply selling up and moving is quite easy in Second Life.

You should remember the Abuse Report tool from the Help menu. Linden Lab staff are reluctant to get involved in personal disputes, but if you demonstrate that you politely ask them to leave you alone and they persist in verbally or otherwise pursuing you, or you can demonstrate that they are using scripts to stalk you, then this does constitute griefing and they will take action, up to and including banning the account permanently. Whilst your former partner may have scripted something to track you that doesn't get reset, it is unlikely they will have done so for a new alt they are forced to make if they get banned.

Some other information

Other notecards from the Cellar:

Emotional Abuse:

Emotional Abuse http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm
Abuse Survivors http://www.abuse-survivors.org.uk
Recognising abuse http://www.refuge.org.uk/page_l1-2_l2-28_l3-43_.htm
Social, Emotional and Psychological Manipulation: techniques used and how to repsond http://www.mentalabuse.org
Psychological or Emotional Abuse http://www.harrow.gov.uk/site/scripts /documents_info.php?documentID=973&pageNumber=10
Women's Aid Website, including their "Survivor's Handbook" http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

BDSM, Abuse and Safety:
(The below is mostly aimed at RL BDSM and online chatrooms, but contains much material relevant to SL D/s)

Telling The Difference Between Abuse & BDSM http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/cindydifferences.htm
Abuse and BDSM http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/healingabuse.htm
The Online Predator http://www.altsubmission.com/onpredator.html
Offline/Online BDSM Safety http://www.altsubmission.com/safety.html
Abuse vs Erotic Power Exchange http://www.altsubmission.com/abuse.html
Top Ten Suggestions for Pursuing a Safe and Sane D/s Relationship http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/topten.shtml
Safety 101 http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/safety101.shtml
The woman friendly adult site for exploring your sexuality http://www.lilithweb.com/front.htm
The mindset of safety http://members.aol.com/SRABANDE/TheMindsetofSafety.html
Rights as a Submissive http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/subrights.shtml
Safe, Sane and Consensual http://www.mybdsm.com/pages/kalanasc/bdsm/safe.html
Safe Sane and Consensual? http://www.mybdsm.com/pages/Charles/
BDSM Basics http://www.nlacolumbus.com/education/sm101/smbasic.html
The Safety Top Ten http://www.fetishexchange.org/safety03.shtml
Abuse and Safety in BDSM http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/crimsonlordabuse.htm

Exhibition of Photographs by Ratna Markova

2008-08-31T05:37:00.000-07:00

There will be an exhibition of Ratna Markova's RL photographs at the club from Monday the 1st of September. The photographs are from Indonesia, the Islands of Java and Bali taken in the years 1986 till 1998. They are show bits of the lives of ordinary people there. The exhibition will run for 2 weeks.

Please tell her what you think of them! (or leave a comment here).

(Sorry no male visitors allowed at the site)

San Mauvaise

New Chastity & Control Belt

2008-08-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

The club's carin Bebb, is involved in developing and promoting a new RR compatible belt with a lot of features (see below). Its on (from now) for 2 weeks at a special introductory price.
Here is their official information.

===============
The T&T-obedience-belt
===============

By the T's

You like to obey, to hand over contol? You aim for control? You aim to care for your sub?
The T&T-obedience-belt is the ideal restrain to deal with both desires. It combines a highly
detailed and elaborate desgin with a wide range of functionalities to expose yourself or to obtain
full control. And of course it provides full compatibility with the Real Restrained viewer and a
user friendly menu which you may open from the chat channel.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The belt main features include:

- owner adminstration and locking system (primary owner is set in a notecard,
secondary owners are enabled by taking a key from the belt, others might play
with the sub if the belt is set to public use)

- control your Sub's in-world actions by preventing her from TPing,
editing objects, seeing the map or touching objects farther away (have you
once tried to open a door with cuffed hands? It might just work, just!!)

- force your sub to nearly any device close by. No "please, get on
the device or postball or" any longer.... simply select the target object and the sub will
automatically be forced to/on it and will not be able to stand up without
your permission. Needless to say: even after relogin the sub will be kept in place you selected for her

- ban the sub from accessing her inventory. Fairly common. Well, the belt additionally
allows you to attach or remove any dress or any attachment to or from your sub.
Simply store your favourite toy or dress in a selected folder in your subs inventory and
control these items via the belt's equipment menu

- up to six leash points to securly chain your sub to nearly any object

- remove clothes manually or automatically from your sub, prevent her from either removing
clothes or to change.

- attach a chastity belt or insert a dildo and/or butt plug into your sub and fix
them properly with with bittersweet chains

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And this sweet device will be available soon.
Sale will start at the first week of
september 2008.

It will be only available at

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Plush%20Enigma/157/227/22

As special offer, the price in the frist two weeks in september will be:

======
500,- L$
======

After this promotion, the regular price will be 800,- L$

If you need further Information, ask "carin Bebb".

=============================================================
The T&T Tools Team Aug, 2008
=============================================================

PS. If other club members are involved in other enterprises, I may be willing to (tastefully) promote it.

San Mauvaise

Request for LMs to good relevant free stuff....

2008-08-26T05:32:00.000-07:00

I am collecting LMs to free stuff around SL relevant to D/s, BDSM and the club. If anyone has such please drop a notecard with it in it and a brief description of it to me!

Thanks.

San Mauvaise

A new story by Tria Telling in the Library

2008-08-14T03:07:00.000-07:00

Club member Tria Telling has allowed her two part story to be available in the library. Click on the the "Erotic/BDSM Literature" bookcase to read them.

Anybody who has more good quality writing, please contact me!

Thanks

San

Wanted: sculptie turret!

2008-08-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

If anyone can make a sculpted prim the shape of a turret like this, I would be willing to buy a lot of them! Would save the club a lot of prims!

IF you can do this, please IM me!

San Mauvaise

Free pony score system

2008-08-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

For keeping track of the scores in a jumping competition. If you would like a copy of this system please contact me.

San Mauvaise

Consultation about cellar rules

2008-08-10T07:31:00.000-07:00

If anyone has any views on the cellar rules please send them to me. I am always willing to receive members' opinions (if expressed respectfully). In particular the rules that say

1. subs may not initiate an IM
2. subs may not sit on the chairs/couches unless invited to

Opinions please (though once I have decided that will be final until I consult again).

San

Full Members can now eject

2008-07-31T08:05:00.000-07:00

For a trial period I have give the power to all full members of the club to eject and freeze people in the club. This is to allow the easy ejection of visiting men. Any use of this against another club member is strongly disapproved of - and any "eject wars" will result in a temporary ban from the club. As before only club officers (owner, mother, cop and judge) can ban people.

San

I anyone knows about the settings in an Intan dance ball.....

2008-07-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

....please IM me. I am having trouble adjusting positions for the hug, kiss and spank animations for it!

San

Exhibition of Pictures by Arvid Xeno

2008-07-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

There is an exhibition of Arvid Xeno's BDSM photos at the Cellar Club for a limited period only. They are in the entrance hall and are for sale. As a special gift to members and guests, the price is reduced to only L45 each.

San

The Nook

2008-07-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

On the hills, overlooking the club, is the nook - by the twisted tree on the way over the hills to the lake and oubliette. There is a place for staking out you sub, with a set of poses for the Domme, a fire, a bench with cuddle animations, a (darker) patch of grass with a set of romantic animations, a cage rezzor (click on the metal object under the tree branch) and a couple of universal leashing points. It is one of my favourite spots - enjoy!

San

Any member artists?

2008-07-09T05:48:00.000-07:00

I am planning to have a series of exhibitions in the entrance hall (to left and right). The first will be of Arvid Xeno's Work. If there are other artists/photographers who want to exhibit in the future (SL or RL), please contact me.

San

New poetry and literature in the library

2008-07-02T01:26:00.000-07:00

Click on any of the line of books on the book cases. If anyone has any other notecards others might be interested in, do send them to me.

San

SL Pictures for the Club

2008-06-27T00:21:00.000-07:00

I would like to put up framed pictures of members to decorate the club. These can be D or s or D/s couples. I will select some and put them around. Dont be dissapointed if yous is nor up immediately -- I will rotate them around.

Send them to me, but please remember to give me full permissions on the texture.

Thank you.

There are some romantic "Pillow Talk"...

2008-06-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

...pillows in the intimate room. They look like cushions but two can sit on them (or one).

Enjoy!

San

New sinewave dancepoles and dancechairs...

2008-06-16T03:59:00.001-07:00

... at the club. In the lounge, the intimate room and the private theatre in the tower.

Thanks to a generous donation by denni!

Enjoy!

San

Males, tollerance, politeness, etc.

2008-06-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

Some issues have arisen between some club members, so I just want to make some things clear.

Firstly, there will be no toleration of racism in the Cellar Club, implicit or explicit, in any form.

Secondly there will be tolerance for *all* women at the club, with respect for all, regardless of their sexuality or role they wish to take.

Thirdly, the club is an all-women place. This is impossible to enforce in SL, but male behaviour and appearance is certainly not going to be tolerated (including use of penises).

Fourthly, basic standards of politeness are essential to many different members sharing the same club. This involves tolerance and understanding of each other. It involves not being overly aggressive or rude.

Club officers are empowered to use their powers to enforce these things. They are asked not ban or eject on anyone's direction or instruction, but first try persuasion and negotiation. If they need to use their powers they will do so only as a result of their own judgment. If anyone has an issue with any decision, first try to talk in reasonable terms to the officer concerned then, if not satisfied, with me. If I find anyone has been abusing or being overly aggressive with any of my officers I will be unsympathetic. They are human, and faced with aggression may make hasty decisions sometimes (I certainly have), but I trust and support them - they are very important to me and the club - I need their help.

I am not going to try and discover who is a male in RL (this is against the SL TOS for a start), and will not ban those who are on hearsay evidence. I am sure there are some at the club who are male in RL and I am equally sure there are many who are women. This is a difficult issue for me, because I want to protect those at the club who have suffered from abuse from men, but I also have a transsexual friend in RL and know that people can be born with female brains and male bodies. Just as many people come out as lesbian, Dominant or submissive in SL first, the same is true for transsexuals. However it is obvious that most rl-m/sl-f avs are not genuine transsexuals.

What I would ideally like to do is to be keep out rl-men as much as possible but allow genuine m->f transsexuals. This is currently impossible in SL. That is why I will concentrate on trying to exclude male behaviour. RL m->f transsexuals will be allowed if (1) they declare themselves to me and talk to me *before* entering into club life; (2) they live totally as a woman in all respects; (3) they explain their true status before becoming intimate with others.

I know this will not be sufficient for some, and I am sorry about this. I am, as always, willing to listen and talk to all club members on these issues.

San

Finding a Dominant

2008-06-11T10:56:00.000-07:00

Finding a dominant
by Eloise Pasteur

Finding a dominant can be hard work: just meeting one who might be available is hard enough. Of course hanging around in clubs and the like can help you with that, particularly clubs that have a BDSM slant, but of the dominants I've submitted to in SL I've met fewer than half of them that way. Sometimes, most times in my experience - just like dating, you meet them elsewhere and something attracts you to each other. The reason it can be tricky? Well there are more submissives than dominants around. Some proportion of dominants are happily in monogamous relationships too, so no matter how wonderful you think you would be with them, they're not interested. Others will be in stable, if poly, relationships and probably not interested in picking up another sub. I'm afraid, past the old story of getting out and looking I don't have any magic ways to suggest that will help you meet potentially suitable dominants.

What I can help you do, perhaps, is think about how to tell if you've got a good one or not.

The first thing to say is that whilst love at first sight is well and good (and has struck me in Second Life with my current and hopefully rest-of-our-lives Mistress) but that's not the same as diving into a full-blown incredibly in-depth BDSM relationship. And face it, full-blown BDSM relationships are incredibly intimate and deep and almost always quickly so thanks to their nature. In my opinion, you should both be happy thinking you will move in that direction and telling each other that you are thinking of moving that way, but you should both be willing to explore it slowly at first. Try thinking of it this way: at the point you swear your undying service to your dominant, you are, in many respects, marrying them. You can, of course, get out of a marriage, and out of a bad D/s relationship, but it's a big step. Even in SL, would you meet someone and marry them straight away? The direct parallel to that question is: would you agree to be their submissive for the long term on first meeting them? At some point of course, you will make that change. Humans being humans you will probably mark it with some sort of ceremony, private or public as suits you. This might be a collaring (although many subs, including me, wear collars from very early in the relationship without that implication of life-long relationship), or a formal locking of the collar, or an exchange of vows (whether including a marriage ceremony or not). It's that formal change from "we're dating" to "we're in a long-term relationship" that you're marking here, and the rest of this will help you think about the BDSM of the pair of you, to make sure you want it too.

So what is there to think about? Really you're looking for three things I think:

Can you happily submit to the dominant? This might seem very obvious, but people overlook it. I know a couple of highly respected dominants in Second Life, and respect them, but could never submit to them. Our personalities don't click that way. That's not something wrong with me, or with them, it's to do with personalities nothing more. Think of your friends who are happily in love with people you could never love, but do like. Does that mean your friend is wrong? The person they love is wrong? You're wrong? No. It's just that magic that makes for a relationship isn't there. I'm always tempted to say that I can't submit to someone I can't love. I can love people that won't take my submission, I have done, but I have yet to submit to someone where I didn't at least think I couldn't love them. So far where discovering more about the dominant means I fall out of love also means I fall out of being able to submit to them.

Are your interests and limits similar? If your dominant is into heavy pain and you aren't things aren't likely to be smooth in the long term. Equally, however, if you're into heavy pain and your dominant isn't, you'll get frustrated or they will as you don't get what you want, and they either can't give it to you or they make themselves do something they're not comfortable with for you too often. They don't have to be identical, but there needs to be a big enough common ground of common interest and level of intensity for you both to play often enough without feeling bored and feeling comfortable with what's going on to keep the relationship going. That's not to say, of course, that from time to time you won't have your boundaries pushed, or that your dominant won't push herself to do something for you that she's not sure about, but you can't do that every time, not and thrive as a couple. To some extent this also ties in with happily submitting too. You'll probably know quickly if just can't submit willingly to the person because they're the wrong person for you. But do the ways your dominant expects you to submit make you happy, at least most of the time? Do you get the right amount of attention, of time, of rules, of things you're told to do? Although the nature of these things will probably change over time, because the relationship will change over time, do you get enough of the right things to make you happy? That will, probably, start from having similar limits and interests.

Can you communicate with each other? This is very much on all levels. When you are in a scene together, do you understand what your dominant tells you? Do they understand your responses? Do the styles in which you write/talk work together? It can be massive frustrating to both sides if they don't, and whilst you might be willing and able to change, as the play gets more intense you are more likely to head back to your base styles and you may lose the scene that way. But it's not just there - can you talk to each other, in whatever way is permitted and desired between you, when you need to? Can you raise problems? Can your dominant drop out of role to ask how things are going and what's wrong when things do go wrong? My Mistress and I chat about work, our days and all sorts. That might not be for you, but if it is you have to both feel comfortable, and if it isn't you must both be comfortable without it.

These are the big three things to be on the look out for. If you find all three of these are going well, you could certainly consider a fuller, deeper commitment. However, I would also suggest it helps if at least one person in the relationship has at least a moderate amount of experience in their role. It can be either of you - a good but inexperienced dominant can learn from a good, experienced sub, although both of you have to be prepared for that as the power-dynamic in this case can flick back and forth within a scene - but despite saying it helps, it's not essential. You will both learn about the relationship as time passes - just like in a vanilla one you learn more about your partner over time - and if there is a willingness to explore, to forgive and to learn together then even the two most new to the scene people can form a successful relationship. Why, then, is there a benefit to having at least one person fairly experienced? BDSM has lots of toys, conventions, attitudes and the like. Whilst your relationship is about what works for the people within it, it can help to have someone who at least knows how to use the toys, what the conventions are and the like. If you decide to ignore the conventions (for example you call your dominant by name rather than by a title) there is nothing wrong with that - but it does help to know that it's considered unusual. Similarly, someone who is used to, for example, being tied up, or doing the tying up, can guide the other person to help them feel more confident about it. I know, for example, I prefer it when my Mistress goes around and fastens each shackle, tightens each rope and similar and it's not something that a new Dominant is likely to think of without prompting, nor that an inexperienced sub would necessarily think to ask for. (I sometimes like being thrown over a bench and quickly strapped down and have other things done too, but as a default setting, being securely and more slowly fastened in works better for me.) Having someone in the partnership with some experience so they can suggest "Maybe like this" at least in the early days can help you both learn and grow together.

Sadly there really aren't hard and fast rules. If it works for you, good luck to you. What works for you may creep me out, or may make me jealous, or anywhere in-between, but the main thing is that it works for you, and makes you happy. That's what it's all about.

Comments and suggestions for improvements to me please! :-)

San Mauvaise

A house sub - nova

2008-06-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

May I introduce nova, who is a RL experienced sub, who is serious about serving Mistresses at the cellar. When she is online you may find her in one of the prison cells down stairs. Please do make use of her.

San

Purdy and Cinamon's Wedding

2008-06-09T10:11:00.001-07:00

I was not able to be there, but I know many of those that attended found it an emotional experience. We wish them all the best together.

San

The non-nudity rule

2008-06-07T00:59:00.000-07:00

Having had a one-off event in the lounge where the rule against nudity in the lounge was relaxed, and having got a variety of opinions I have decided not to change the rule. I do recognise the fact that many Dommes would like to be able to have their subs naked in the lounge (or indeed themselves!), and some subs feel their Mistresses should be able to do this. However, I have also had some subs who very much liked the non-nudity rule, because it changed the atmosphere in the lounge and made them feel more comfortable. I also think that whilst relaxing the rule produced a carnival atmosphere, this would be less exciting regularly.

To cater for those I have furnished an intimate room upstairs and will consider altering the space upstairs (though it does give grandure to the club and Mistresses do like to "lord" it in the throne there).

Sorry to those who are dissapointed in this decision.

San

The hole in the wall.....

2008-06-04T02:06:00.000-07:00

... for some reason a corner of the club has disappeared!

I guess its an SL glitch and they will return of their own accord! Here is me staring at the hole non-plussed.

If the walls don't reappear of their own accord in a bit, I will fix them.

Sigh!

San

Tips for SL Subs

2008-05-31T05:00:00.000-07:00

This is a text written by Eloise (a sub in SL). Please send any comments, improvements, etc. to me who may make changes (with her say so). Thanks, San.

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Just like there's nothing absolute for a Domme (see Tips for SL Dommes below), there's not really anything absolute for a sub either. There are, however, some general tips that I think are worth thinking about.

First, and probably the most important, is the adage that despite appearances the sub holds the power. This is true and not true at the same time. The sub holds the ultimate power, most particularly in Second Life. YOU can always stop what is being done to you. You can use safewords, you can (usually) teleport away, you can certainly quit. You can take all the toys that let the other person control you off. You have the power to stop the scene, stop the relationship if need be, and nothing can be done about that. However, within that limit, you have given up the power - that is a big part of being a sub. If you're in a sexual relationship and you've given up the right to control your orgasm, then however much your partner teases you, you shouldn't come until you are allowed to - that is part of your deal with your Domme.

Second, and often overlooked, you are in a relationship, and it is almost always an incredibly intimate one, even if it isn't sexual. It doesn't matter if that's long term or a one-off relationship. Being a submissive includes incredible amounts of revealing your inner feelings and workings to your partner. Consider a first night, whether an only night or the start of something long. In a vanilla relationship you might have to ask her to rub your clit the right way, or nibble your nipples but not bite or whatever it is. In a D/s relationship explaining the difference between being spanked, paddled and cropped to you, and the differences in tolerance you have to them is at least as typical, but the explanation is often very deeply rooted in your psyche, and a Domme is quite likely to ask why and expect an answer. In fact being a sub can be, and in my experience usually is, one of the most all-baring honest relationships to be in. Why does being spanked turn me on, but being paddled feel like punishment? "It's just not doing it for me" is not something you tell a vanilla partner unless you're breaking up with them. If your Domme decides to try something new with you, you will quite possibly have long conversations about which bits were good and which not so satisfying and why, so next time it's good for both of you. If you tell a lie to make them feel good, you've got to live with the consequences of it, at least while you live in a relationship with them. Being honest does not include, unless you want to, telling them where you live, what your RL name is, what your bank account number is and so on - you can honestly say "I'd rather not answer that" after all. Of course your relationship may develop into one where you share some or all of these details (my Mistress knows all except the last of these about me) but the emotional intimacy and honest is still very intense. Rape fantasies aren't that common in the lesbian community, but they are common among straight and bisexual women, although not universal. Can you imagine having to discuss with someone how you would like your rape fantasy to play out, and then afterwards discussing which bits were good, which were bad? Chances are, if you're an experienced sub in a long term relationship, you'll do things similar to that moderately often.

Third, there are different flavours of being a sub. One extreme would be a city-kajira, potentially available for any free person of her city to use at need. Another possible extreme would be a club slave. Possibly at the opposite end is the pampered single pet of a monogamous Mistress. But even within those wide categories there are differences, and they're down to you an me to a large extent. Are you into strict discipline? Are you into restrictive bondage? Are you into heavy pain? Humiliation? Exhibitionism? Service? Kinky sex? Multiple partners? Rape fantasies? There's a long, long list here that you will doubtless come across sometime. The list per se doesn't matter, although it can be interesting to run down it with a partner to see things you might be interested in trying, these are all activities that are lumped together under the general heading of BDSM. As a sub you're the one that sets the limits of consent - if you like kinky sex and exhibitionism but not pain at all that doesn't make you less of a sub, it makes you a different sub to someone that can only come whilst in tight bondage if being whipped whilst vibrators in pussy and arse work away at full speed. There are, by the way, equally varied kinks among Dommes, and if you're interested in a long term relationship finding a Domme with similar limits to you can be well worth the effort. I would suggest that someone who has very different limits and interests to you can be fun in the short term, but probably won't make a long term partner. Dommes do have their limits too: there are things that you might like that a Domme doesn't feel comfortable doing. They might do them for you occasionally, they might stretch to do them, but if they're too different to your limits there will be tensions in the relationship.

Fourth, you hear a lot of talk about safe, sane and consensual. Many subs assume once they've given consent that's it. But, it shouldn't be. Even though we've notionally and mostly given up power to our Domme, we sometimes nudge them. We might ask for more attention (we might regret the attention we get, but we still ask for it) or hint that we'd quite like to try, for example, some time as a pony girl sometime. We might even, in a conversation about these things, specifically state what it is we'd like to try. You can nudge your Domme towards things that aren't safe or sane at these times. Don't! It's you it's going to be done to remember!

Fifth, you will hear people tell you that being a sub in SL doesn't hurt. To some extent that is true. You can be whipped bloody in one scene and not even have a scar the next next. In real life you'd probably be in hospital for several days at least. Your domme would be in with the police. You can, if it's your thing, be killed and cooked in SL without being harmed. However, in a good scene you will be strongly engaged and some proportion of people find that they can induce what I'd have to call psychosomatic sensation after this. I do it with a good spanking - if the spanking is well described and set then I will have a sore, red bum for a day or two afterwards. Other sensations can come through too - after prolonged nipple torture I quite often have sensitive nipples too. Not as bad as if it's done in real life, but actually present and tender nevertheless. This doesn't happen for everyone, but if it does happen for you, then enjoy it, but remember it will probably limit what you can stand in SL! Even if you don't have that transfer of feeling, you might well find your emotions get incredibly wrapped up in your Second Life. In my time in Second Life I've cried about things far more often than I've cried about things in Real Life in the last 20 years. I've got more frustrated, felt more loved and everything else. This is relatively common. Second Life can engage people's emotions and for most of us that stay and play in SL it does this strongly. As you might have noticed from what I've written above, I'm a firm believer that BDSM also engages your emotions and your intimacy very strongly. This can make for a heady cocktail of emotions, and you can be emotionally hurt as well as emotionally supported in Second Life.

Sixth, at some point you will, if you're not already a RL BDSM person, almost certainly get curious about what it's like in RL. Gags will make your jaw ache after an hour or so, nipple clamps will hurt when you put them on, and more when you take them off. These are both things you can explore quickly, easily, cheaply and safely alone at home whilst it's being done to you in SL if you choose. Blindfolds are harder, unless you get voice-dommed. Suspension bondage and the like are even harder to come by and do to yourself, verging on the impossible, however easy they are in SL. If you're going to try to mimic some or all of your SL in RL, discuss it with your partner, at least the first time. Your partner will almost certainly find things that you do easily in SL you can't stand for that long IRL and they will need to know why. If you want to go beyond the minimum, you will either want to research self bondage (some consider this not safe and sane by the way), find a RL partner, or find your SL partner IRL too. Take the steps gently and slowly - even though your emotions might well be up for a lot of it, your body might not be. The average age of RL people with SL avatars is in the thirties or forties. You might be different, but I'm not as limber as I was at 18. I was never really as limber as my avatar! I have a bad back and knees, I'm physically incapable of kneel in tower or nadu poses for hours on end - much though I love kneeling in SL.

Finally, we need to talk about abuse. There's no doubt that there are abusive BDSM relationships out there, just like there are abusive vanilla ones. However, a domme making you doing things you don't like isn't necessarily abuse - indeed as my first Mistress impressed on me, if it's all just stuff the sub likes, it's not submission, it's kinky fun. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not D/s. That said, there has to be some consideration of you and your needs in there too. If everything that is done is done solely for the pleasure of the domme, with little or no thought for the sub, that's getting into abuse territory. In a one-nighter, that might happen anyway of course, but in a longer relationship, some of it should be stuff you like, probably even most of it. Some of the vanilla indicators of abuse might well be a turn on for you: I love being spanked, but spanking is technically assault and if I didn't want it, it would count as an indicator for abuse. Remember that, especially in RL, your Domme is risking you changing your mind and reporting her to the police for abuse, but also remember you don't have to take it. If you think you're being abused talk about it with your domme. If you're not allowed to talk about, ever then that might be a sign to get the hell out. If your partner continues to use in a way that feels like abuse, then you might well want to get out, especially if they don't explain it in a way that makes sense. Remember abuse in a BDSM relationship is more about ignoring limits, ignoring safewords and in a longer term relationship continuously ignoring the needs of the sub. A decent domme won't get you there - they may push limits, but not ignore them, they won't ignore safewords, they won't ignore your needs over time. Although I mentioned safe words right at the top, if you never use a safeword, the domme will assume what they are doing is acceptable. Pushing limits is something most subs want at some points in their relationship. A good domme will do that for you, sometimes at least, but will rely on you to use the safewords if it gets too much - unless they're psychic, they can't tell. If you don't use the safeword, it's very hard to say they're abusive, because they are perfectly within the rights you gave them to push until you say "enough" in the agreed way.

If you've got the kinks to be a sub anyway being a sub in SL can be an incredibly rewarding experience. If you don't, it won't be for you in SL or IRL. Whilst the physical components of being a sub are different in SL, the emotions of it are very much the same. Just as with everything else though, you will find you get out of it in proportion to what to you put in.

Eloise

New Intimate Room Upstairs

2008-05-30T06:07:00.000-07:00

I have now furnished and decorated an "intimate room" upstairs (Maie's old bedroom). There are a couple of cuddle sofas (say "/1 show" to show pose balls), a massage table (say "show" to show pose balls) and an expensive girl-girl sex rug (click on rug) which includes group poses.

Enjoy!

San

Naked Sub Night -- Feedback please!

2008-05-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

Can members tell me what they thought of the one-night relaxation of the no-nudity rule on thursday! I would like all opinions.

Thanks.

Second Language Speakers at the Club

2008-05-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

Being in the fortunate position of having English as my native language, I find it easy to forget that for others it might be their second or third language. So if you are talking to someone who has difficulty with this, or just seems slow do be tolerant, they may well be struggling to keep up. Also if there are many in chat then it can be difficult to keep up (even for 1st language speakers), so do realise that someone not greeting you or replying to you may just have lost track. I forget at times, especially if the person's English appears good but is just a little slow, however I would ask that speakers at all levels be made feel comfortable in the club.

San

PS. Languages other than hegemenous English are welcome to be spoken too!

Congratulations to Purdy and Cinnamon

2008-05-28T02:56:00.000-07:00

..who are getting married in June!

San

Naked sub night Thursday 29th May

2008-05-27T08:08:00.000-07:00

Due to popular demand, for one night only, subs will be allowed to be naked in the lounge. Thursday 29th May 11am-11pm PDT (SL time). We will see how it goes.

Come and show off your lovely subs! I suggest that Dommes come dressed up to emphasise the difference, but if they insist they can be naked too (Jilly!).

Enjoy!

San

PS. the longer term plan is to make an intimate lounge upstairs for this sort of thing!

Notice board and TP at entrance

2008-05-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

There is a new notice board to post messages at the entrance arch to the club (to the left as you go in). You can post personals (Mistress wanted etc.) or notices of events or (pretty much anything). I may clear it occasionally or if it gets filled with spam (jokes, personals, businesses associated with members etc. all ok of course).

Also to the right (in the hall) there is a TP to take you to the Shackles Club, since many members flit back and forth! :-)

Enjoy!

San

There are some more dances in the dance carpet...

2008-05-19T04:53:00.000-07:00

... in the side-lounge (nice ones from Sine Wave). Just walk onto the carpet next to the piano and allow your av to be animated. To select a dance click on the floor. To stop dancing just walk off the carpet.

Enjoy!

San

Tips for SL Dommes

2008-05-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

I have been repeatedly asked to write a "Tips for Dommes" sheet. So here is a first draft. What I would like is some improvements, additions and suggestions please!

Thanks.

Tips for SL Dommes

This offers some information about how to be a good Domme in SL, reflecting the views of the authors. These do not touch upon any technical aspects. You can be a good Domme using just chat/IM and no other props at all, and conversely if you are not a good Domme all the technical sophistication in the (SL) world will not change that. Yes there is a place for props, scripts and devices to enhance Ds interaction and play but this is strictly a secondary matter. Also this is specifically about D/s relationships in SL and does not talk about RL D/s at all.

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First of all, a D/s relationship is a relationship. So many of the things that are important in a vanilla relationship are also important for a D/s relationship and many of the things that are true in other kinds of relationship are equally true in a D/s relationship. There are differences as well, of course -- especially in terms of the pleasures, needs, structure and safeguards -- but in many respects it is no different. Since the differences are more obvious we start with what is similar.

Everybody is different and will suit different people. A Domme that suits one sub may not be right for another, a sub may be excellent for one Domme will be entirely wrong for another. There is no such thing as a Domme that is good for everyone, or a "true" Domme. Similarly there is not one way of acting that all subs have to follow. Even the labels of "Domme" or "sub" (or similar) are gross simplifications of complex human tendencies and aspects. What is the case is that one Domme might be better than another for a particular sub (or better in certain ways) or one sub suit a particular Domme more than another. What matters most is that the Domme and sub somehow match or suit each other. If that occurs in unconventional ways that suit them both then this is every bit as legitimate as any other way. Yes there do appear to be some patterns that one can detect and point out, but for every pattern there will probably be an exception. Someone stating what a "true" Domme or sub or D/s relationship "should" be is probably only trying to protect their own wishes/needs/view to themselves - don't bother arguing with such people and don't take them very seriously.

In particular there is absolutely no merit is seeing how extreme your interaction with your sub can be. More extreme play is not better than milder forms at all (even though you will occasionally hear subs or Dommes boasting about what they have done). All that matters is whether the interaction is right for you and your sub -- nothing else matters. It may seem obvious to state, but D/s is not a competition in any sense - who can dare to do what, but is (in our view) just a way of relating that allows for people to express their dominant and submissive sides within a relationship -- and to use D/s interaction to deepen that relationship.

A corollary of this is the finding the right sub needs to be done with care, and will probably not be very rapid. You can not assume that a sub will know what your expectations and needs are, since there is no standard for these, but it is better to be explicit about these from the start. For the same reason it is wise to get to know a sub, and maybe enter a trial period before raising expectations of anything on a longer-term basis (on either side). Likewise you can not expect a sub to decide to commit to you totally without getting to know you first, and without communicating a lot about themselves as well to you. Entering too quickly into a D/s relationship will make problems more likely.

Some of the things one should be clear about to a potential sub include: the amount of time you will spend with them, whether they will be restricted when you are not there, what level of sexual intimacy you want/expect, whether they will be your only sub or one of many, how much they will know about you and what you do, whether you want their love or explicitly don't want them to do so, what sort of service you want of them, what your general style is, what rules you would expect them to obey, any technical requirements of them (e.g. use of restricted life viewer etc.), how you want them to interact and communicate with you, how they should indicate discontent, how and when they will be able to interact with others (e.g. friends), and, most importantly, what you want from them.

A sub will have needs other than to serve and obey you. However much you may insist that this is all they *should* want, they will have a range of other needs. If a sub has many unfulfilled needs they will eventually leave you. If you have a lot of subs leaving you (especially with no warning or reason) then this should tell you that you are not meeting enough of their needs. The other needs will vary from sub to sub, but could include needs for: humiliation, fear, sex, love, belonging, security, simplicity, freedom from guilt, lack of choice, or degradation. To keep and control a sub well you need to find out what their needs are, and satisfy enough of them (or if you cant, tell them so they dont gain false expectations in these regards).

One need that seems universal is that of attention. A sub will require your attention which will take some of your time. There is no way around this - devices such as giving them tasks to keep them busy, farming them out to other Dommes, or finding them other social places to be will only work to a limited extent. If you don't give them enough of *your* attention then it is highly likely that you will lose them. You need to bear this in mind when taking on a sub - will you be able to give them the amount of attention they require, and will you be able to keep giving any existing subs the attention they require.

A match between Domme and sub is never perfect or unchanging, which is why you need to establish good channels of communication. As you both change and adapt to each other, as the relationships develop, your needs and expectations will change (as will theirs). If you want to keep the relationship in good health then these changes need to be communicated and, if necessary, discussed. If your manner of interaction will effectively preclude direct communication of the subs needs and feedback, then you will need to establish other means of doing so. A common way is to allow free (albeit respectful) communication via email. The more you understand your sub, how they are thinking and feeling the more you will be able to control and keep them.

A particularly important aspect of communication is to know what their limits are. Everyone has limits and if you cross these you will cause deep distress, you will lose trust and violate the fundamental principle of (OOC) consent. Crossing them once by accident may be recoverable (in such cases you should apologise and work out together how to ensure it does not reoccur), if it is done repeatedly or deliberately then that person does not deserve any respect - they are not a Domme, but an abuser. A person who says that a sub "should do anything they are told" clearly does not understand about good D/s relationships. Similarly a sub who says "I have no limits" is equally ignorant. An aspect that is less frequently remarked upon is that Dommes also have limits. There are things that a Domme will not wish to do, and has as much right to halt or refuse a certain kind of play as any sub.

Underpinning all communication and interaction between you and your sub is that of trust. If there is no trust between you (at a fundamental level) then your relationship is doomed to exist at a shallow level at best, and to quickly fail at worst. Such trust should not be confused with predictability - but is to do with the knowledge by each party of the underlying respect for each other -- how they are, their needs and limitations. A good level of trust will allow for imaginative and exciting interaction between you, deepening the relationship and confirming it, it is therefore something that should be developed as a high priority by Dommes.

The very basic level of trust is that a sub can be assured that you will ensure their safety, sanity and consent (SSC). Of course this is much easier in SL than in RL, since people can always just quit SL if they find anything too much. However there are still concerns since it is possible to inflict genuine distress on people in SL. There are a number of simple mechanisms to ensure that SSC is maintained and any difficulties resolved in a way that is compatible with a D/s relationship. These will be discussed in turn.

You need to ascertain at the start whether your sub has experienced any traumatic episodes in their past. By their nature, D/s play can well trigger deeply upsetting "flashbacks" if they have such episodes. Great care needs to be taken if play is to involve aspects associated with such episodes, and play immediately stopped if there is any indication that such flashbacks have been triggered. Clearly playing with or interacting with a sub that has such episodes is a serious undertaking and not to be entered into lightly. Such a sub may require substantial affection and support.

Ascertaining areas of trauma are a special (and particularly important) case of establishing a sub's limits/needs/likes/dislikes. Establishing these is part of the negotiation that should form part of the process of getting to know your sub, and should be done sufficiently early so that any limits will not be transgressed before they have been discussed. There is an intimidating list of BDSM practices which some Dommes get their subs to fill out. Personally I think this is not as helpful as it could be, because it is distractingly long and does not set the practices in context. Whether a practice is something that is within a sub's limits will depend to a large extent on who is involved, their mental state, the context and the audience (if any). For example, something that is fine in private may be more than they can cope with in front of their friends. Also what is acceptable will develop over time as trust develops and as a result of the history of the relationship. Thus the discussion of limits etc. is not a one-off event but needs to be ongoing, it is just one part of the communication between D/s partners. What the long BDSM list does do it bring to attention to the sub the range of practices that they should consider, so as to prompt any areas that are unacceptable to them that they might not have thought of. If used as a starting point for more meaningful discussion it can be useful. However, some Dommes use this list to intimidate subs and to absolve themselves of continuing responsibility for their subs' welfare by treating the list as the final and only legitimate restraint upon their actions.

The most well-known safety measure in D/s is that of the "safeword". This is a word which can be used (by either party) to cease interaction and initiate a free discussion about the situation - something that is distinctive and easily memorable. For obvious reasons it can not be something like "No" or "Stop" as these might be used within play in the *simulation* of non-consent. Such safewords are not to be used lightly or trivially, but there is no shame in having to use them. In fact it is the responsibility of any partner to use a safeword, rather than to try and endure something that is really beyond them (for whatever reason). There is a temptation with subs to try and avoid using safewords even when they should, so it is wise to try and reassure a sub that using them is OK and normal in any exciting and exploratory relationship. Explain how it is part of their service to you in that it gives you assurance that your interaction is OK and thus you are free to enjoy it.

An extension of the safe word is having special channels or means for free and honest communication, for example in IM or email, or using devices such as double brackets, e.g. "((sorry interrupted))". Any method that allows a Domme to distinguish between in-play communication "please don't spank me" (meaning please do) and serious communication about the play itself (really don't spank me). Clearly this can interrupt the flow of play if there is too much of it at a trivial level.

In any case getting off-line feedback about each other's honest feelings (e.g. by a later email once everyone has "come down") will greatly improve the quality of play - just as talking about sex improves sexual relationships. Somehow ensuring effective and regular debriefing on what has happened is the single most effective way of achieving a satisfying relationship and play. If the style and nature of your relationship makes this impossible to occur directly then indirect methods are highly desirable. If you do not have any such channel then you are simply relying on luck -- that you happen to be compatible and satisfactory to each other.

Of course once you have established a good relationship involving heaps of communication and trust, such explicit methods and safeguards will become less important. You will probably be able to tell how things are going without the need for so much explicit communication. However I would recommend against discarding them altogether as people do change over time and in specific circumstances (e.g. when they have a cold).

What fundamentally distinguishes a D/s relationship is the imbalance of power. A D/s relationship relies on the fact that the sub enjoys giving up power (i.e. losing control), whilst the Domme enjoys wielding power over the sub. A more accurate picture of the relationship is that the sub makes occasional decisions, for example deciding whether to stay with a Domme, and in off-line discussions/feedback/negotiation but loses second by second control of what happens. This is sometimes called a "power exchange". The sub decides on a broad longer-term basis to lose control of the specific decisions. The feeling of the loss of control is key to the sub experience, and a Domme must be able to give this experience by being willing to use the power that is given to them. .

The willingness of the sub (or the Domme) to keep making the decision to stay with the relationship will depend on whether the relationship as a whole is meeting their needs. Thus a sub will accept day to day decisions as to what they do from their Domme because of the longer-term benefits to them, even if many of those specific decisions are not what they want at all. Much of the technology in SL is designed to enhance this structure. For example the Restrained Life/Real Restraints technology "enforces" some SL decisions on a sub in the short term, even if it is still possible to evade in the longer term (by simply quitting or reinstalling the standard viewer). However to do so involves a big decision that may affect the D/s relationship and thus can help enforce detailed day-day action and hence enhance the feeling of loss of control for the sub. Thus the paradox at the heart of D/s is that the sub has general needs but wants not to be able to be in control to get them satisfied. One of their primary needs is not to be able to get those needs satisfied by their own decisions.

A D/s relationship often involves fetish elements, for example: role-played pain, humiliation, styles of dressing, bondage, simulated rape, imprisonment, etc. Such elements are what tend to be indicated under the label of BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadomasochism). An enjoyment of BDSM elements in a relationship can be quite distinct from what we call a D/s relationship -- you can have a D/s relationship without any fetish elements at all (although frequently in SL they go together). Indeed there are good D/s relationships without any sexual elements in it either. Similarly you can have people who enjoy the fetish elements without wishing there to be a power exchange -- for example, they may like being bound and whipped but want to guide the fulfilment of these desires by being in control. This is perfectly legitimate if it suits those involved, in fact this is far more common in RL than an involvement in longer-term RL D/s relationships. However the conflation between BDSM and D/s can lead to mismatches between individuals. For example if BDSM-only sub is paired with a D/s Domme they may attempt to control the interaction in a way that frustrates the desires of the Domme to be in control. For the purposes of this text we distinguish between BDSM and D/s just to try and make the issues clearer, if people want to use the terms in a different way that is fine. Repeatedly we return to the match between Domme and sub in these matters, it is this match and the extent to which the resulting relationship is satisfying to both that matters (and in our opinion ALL that matters).

Here the different ways people use SL matters. Some people "live" SL, that is SL is a simple extension of their life, they live part of their life though this medium taking it as seriously as other parts of their experience. Others "play" at SL, that is they don't consider their SL experience as part of life, but a separate and non-serious game. (There is, of course, a spectrum of positions between these two.) Many people start by playing SL and end up living it to some extent. Generally "players" will be more tolerant of more extreme interaction and more restriction upon them, since this is what they play to experience and it is not entirely serious for them. "Livers" will be less able to withstand restrictions and more extreme punishments as they feel it/take it more seriously, and will have many aspects of SL life they enjoy (which you might be withholding from them). Thus where you sub is on this spectrum matters. If they are a liver, you may get a more intense and personal relationship, but you will also have a greater responsibility to ensure their safety and care. It may well be necessary to allow a liver sub to have considerable freedom when you don't require them. If they are a player you can be freer in what you do with them, maybe constructing a more adventurous fantasy together, dominating their SL life more totally, but there may be less emotional depth and "bite" to your power-exchange.

There are many ways in which one can seek to reinforce the experience of losing control. Insisting on simple indications of a difference in status between you and the sub are a start. This can include having the sub always kneel in your presence, having to address you in certain ways (e.g. calling you Miss), not able to ask you questions without permission, having to dress in low-status ways etc. All these indicate you ability to limit the sub's status and reinforce the expectation that they will obey you. The extreme end of this spectrum are various forms of humiliation, for example: wearing revealing clothing, having to walk around with a butt plug in them, having a label such as "slut" enforced on them, forcing them to crawl etc. Such indications are even more powerful in public, in front of others. Many subs will have sharp limits as to the extent to which they are humiliated in front of friends -- especially if the friends are prior to any D/s involvement. Unlike pain, humiliation is real and immediate in SL, it has "bite" and can thus be used for intense experiences for you and your sub, but also have the capability of causing real distress. Use with care when with a non-D/s public.

Another basic technique is to unsettle you sub, by making sure they are not entirely comfortable. This can be done in a large variety of ways, limited only by your imagination! This can include: doing unexpected things to them -- causing them pain when they expected pleasure (or the other way around), ensuring they do not know what is going on, enforcing an appearance on them that they are not comfortable with, getting them to do something that makes normal concentration difficult (e.g. enforcing an elaborate system of address and behaviour on them, or getting them to count upwards in words in IM as action occurs in chat), putting them with unknown people or situations, blindfolding them, or stopping movement (by chaining them). This make it difficult for the sub to allow themselves to mentally wander and forces the sub to accept what happens to them rather than fight it.

Most fundamentally, however, is simply getting the sub to do things that they don't want to do (in a short-term sense). Nothing so much reinforces the experience of a loss of control as this. This might be something they are a little frightened of or simply do not enjoy. Clearly this has to be used with care, with respect both for the subs limits as well as the over-all long-term level of satisfaction for the sub. For example a sub may get a perverse pleasure from being abandoned and isolated for a while, but if this is all they get they are going to get fed up and eventually leave. The general pattern of this is that you get the sub to go beyond what they are comfortable with, into a zone/situation where they are a little frightened/embarrassed/humiliated/confused/etc. (but where this is at a level that is bearable to them), and then bring them safely back to their comfort zone and reward them for their obedience. Emphasise at all times how what they are doing is because it is something that pleases you, and that you are aware they don't like it or would not choose it - this reinforces the feeling of your power over them. Repeating this pattern induces trust and obedience, because a sub will have experienced obeying when they would rather not but it being rewarding in the end. As the trust and communication develops in a deepening relationship you can take the sub further out, increasing the intensity of the experience of loss of control and surrendering to you.

Of course the other side of the coin is getting you sub to do things that they do really want to do. So if you sub (secretly or openly) likes showing her body off, then you may reward them by "forcing" them to do so. This is especially true for things a sub likes but about which they are reluctant (due to taboo, guilt or embarrassment etc.). In this way you can free you sub to experience things they want to experience without any guilt. This can build your relationship in a positive way, meaning they look forward to your control. After all, underneath everything, you are building up a relationship that is good for both of you, so in a broad long-term sense you are *always* making them do what they want.

There is a difference some draw between different styles of Domming (which uses unfortunate terminology). "White" Dommes are those that take on board a sub's needs and direct the interaction to totally satisfy them, whilst a "Black" Domme will seek to satisfy her own needs only taking notice of a subs' hard limits. It is common that subs seek a "black" Domme because they want to lose control, but are often happier with a "white" one in the longer run. Of course, by necessity, most Dommes are between these two extremes -- if you were completely "white" a sub would not get the experience of losing control so essential to the D/s experience, and if you were totally "black" it would be only sheer fluke that a subs' needs would be met in the long term since the Domme would not be adapting to their sub at all. Truth be told we are all "Grey" Dommes with some elements of each, albeit to different degrees. The strength of a sub's need to lose control against the strength of their other needs determines what sort of mix in a Domme suits them.

If you develop an deeply personal relationship with your sub (which is common) then it is impossible for most people to not care a lot about your subs needs and your relationship with them. This can cause a shift to a "whiter" style of Domming as the relationship develops. If a sub wishes for a "darker" style of domination then they may become dissatisfied as a result. Similarly it may be that an exploration together may result in an increasingly dark style of interaction, as a Domme feels free to express this side of herself and a sub encourages this. In such a case it may be that a sub is reluctant to invoke their limits due to their wish to satisfy their Domme's needs. In these cases, where people's needs are changing then, just like any relationship, you have to try and talk about the changes and come to some compromise or agree to part. If the relationship itself is more important than the individual needs there may be a different outcome from one where the needs are more important. Each person has to decide this for themselves for in any long lasting relationship some change is inevitable. Do try talking about this first before simply splitting - a good relationship is not easy to come by.

Since control is of the essence, then it will be necessary to change the behaviour of your sub at times. This is most effective using both positive and negative feedback - by simple praise, attention and affection for the behaviour you desire and punishment for those you wish to avoid. This is not "punishment" for your mutual enjoyment, but a true punishment to reinforce the change of behaviour you desire. As with children the most effective punishment is the selective withdrawal of attention, giving it for good behaviour and withholding it for bad. Withholding attention is only recommended for short periods -- if you do this for long periods you are risking losing your sub because attention is almost certainly fundamental to their needs. Other "real" punishments include setting an essay for them to write, leaving them for short periods imprisoned and alone or simply showing your anger with them (they want to please after all). In general try not to mix up punishment when you are angry and D/s "punishment" for mutual enjoyment. The clearer your messages of correction the more effective they will be. Remember that training an av -- truly changing their patterns of behaviour -- takes a long time, months rather than days.

You should be careful not to indulge in games of real guilt with your sub. If they have done wrong they get punished and that is an end of it. Part of the reason why many choose to be subs is to free themselves from guilt - they just have to do as they are told and that is the limits of their guilt. The Domme is in control and hence responsible for what happens -- in fact an unwillingness to take control and dare to be responsible is what stops many women exploring their dominant side - they just feel too guilty about it (even if they know their sub is enjoying it).

Linked to a lack of guilt is the need to belong. A good D/s relationship instills a deep sense of belonging, of being at home with each other (even if surprising and dreadful things can happen). Many subs get a deep sense of release by re-enacting rituals of belonging, thus will learn to love kneeling at your feet, calling you their Mistress, being leashed by you etc. A home is what they get in return for giving themselves to you, and most subs like this to be continually reinforced. For this reason some subs will not react well to scenes of abandonment (or will only react well if it is part of a punishement), depending on how important this sense of belonging is. Others, of course, may get a kinky thrill out of it, but you need to find out this is the case before trying it.

Finally, all Domming is better if you understand what your sub is feeling. Your will control them and be able to satisfy them and you more easily. Empathy here is important, but it is a skill that varies from person to person (this is why, in general, women make better dominants than men). If you dont have a natural sense for what a sub feels, I would recommend spending some time as a sub. Finding out why and how it can be enjoyable, why one might desire to be a sub. This gives you real insight and can be freeing in that you understand that quite strange things can be actually (in a perverse way) hugely enjoyable.

So enjoy and use the power that is given to you. Let your sub serve you. Do this whilst understanding your sub's needs as much as you can, but sometimes taking risks, trying out new things and scenes. If you do this to the best of your ability, for both of your satisfaction there is no need to be ashamed if it does not always work out. If mistakes occur, talk about them together and (if appropriate) apologise and improve. Above all keep communicating about it all so that your relationship may grow and deepen. Do not let yourselves be constrained by the traditions and expectations of D/s (or anything else) but let your relationship develop in its own ways, with its own unique mix that is right for you.

I'm Back!

2008-05-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all those who sent me messages of sympathy and support.

San

I am away from SL...

2008-05-13T01:02:00.000-07:00

...for a few days (dont know how many, my father is in hospital and Im with my mother). No SL connection here only slow dial-up.

Whilst I am away Jilly Kikuchiyo is in charge - anything she says goes!

San

Paradise Rug in the hall

2008-05-09T15:50:00.000-07:00

Miss Slinky has kindly donated a "Paradise Rug" to the club. It is in the hall for people to try and see how it works. You sit on the rug with friends, then click on the rug, choose a "destination" and it goes up to a suitable height and creates that setup for you. So you have a choice of a dance club, dungeon, castle, garnden, etc.

Experiment, enjoy and tell me what you think.

San

New sub park in the hall

2008-05-09T03:57:00.000-07:00

Down the hall to the left (as you face the entrance arch) is a place to park subs (if they don't merit entrance with their Mistresses). There are a couple of leashing rings which should work with most collars/systems, some ways to chain them up and a cage rezzer on the ceiling (touch it for a hanging ball cage).

Enjoy!

San

Request for animations...

2008-05-09T02:14:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of making a free BDSM/girl-girl sex rug. If anyone has good animations that might be useful for this, please send them to me. They must have copy and transfer rights and you have the right to distribute them.

Thank you.

San

PS. Also if there are any other *quality* freebies I will put them up the hall for people to take.

Cellar RP Talk

2008-05-05T00:13:00.000-07:00

I have created a new group called "Cellar RP Talk". This is for those that want to engage in intimate/intense public RP where this might be too much for socialisers in the lounge. You can join/leave this group at any time, so can join when you start roll playing at the club and then leave when you have finished.

I would like feedback as to how well this works.

San

New Oubliette for Bad Subs

2008-05-04T05:37:00.000-07:00

Just to prove that I am evil really, I have made an "oubliette" -- a long, deep, stone hole (20m) to put bad subs into. It is over the hill with the bonfire near to the edge of the Sim (turn left out of the door and keep going). Click on the iron door set into the stone jetty, and push them in!

(evil cackle)

San

Freebies

2008-05-02T04:14:00.000-07:00

I have placed a set of vases with freebies down the hall to the right (before you go in via the main arch). Please direct anyone for whom these would be useful to there.

San

Previous posts of mine...

2008-04-30T04:23:00.000-07:00

...that might be of interest to those reading this...

I am not going to re-post them here, but if you are interested just follow the above links.

San

Interested in bondage DIY?

2008-04-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

OK, there are whole malls full of bondage toys and furniture. But what if you have a vividly kinky picture in your head of the unique way you want to chain that special pet? Or just enjoy building things in Second Life™? (Or you've spent all your Lindens on clothes and need to do things cheap!)

I've been playing with the various tools for using poses, poseballs and the Lockmeister chain system, and had other people express interest. So, opinion poll...fill in the poll to the right if you'd like to attend an inworld "how to" workshop, or just see instructional materials in a "read at your own pace" format.

-Love, Jilly

New "Schoolroom"

2008-04-29T05:02:00.000-07:00

I am (slowly) fitting out the room upstairs to the right of the throne as a "school room". If you have any suggestions/donations of suitable equipment/textures please IM me.

Enjoy ;-)

San

Confessions of a Loving Domme

2008-04-28T03:25:00.000-07:00

(this is a repost on the Cellar Blog of my post at http://secondlifesofian.blogspot.com/2007/12/confessions-of-loving-domme.html -- it includes some introductory and explanatory material as well as giving some insights into my views and Domming style)

I am a Domme, that is I have a relationship with a (lovely) submissive woman where, within negotiated limits, she is under my control. Often denoted as a D/s relationship (D for dominant, s for submissive). This relationship suits both of us - meeting emotional and sexual needs of each. I get: a huge emotional charge of erotic feelings and creative energy, as well as receiving heaps of love, service and devotion - she gets: a lot of care and attention; excitement; a "letting-go" that comes of not having to decide anything; and *intense* sexual/endorphin highs. These emotions are extensions of common emotions experienced with sex and love - when in love one can often feel waves of submissiveness, wanting to do ridiculous things to prove/show ones devotion - similarly one can be hit with impulses to posses and control the person you desire. D/s is simply when these sorts of emotion are long-standing and openly expressed.

Many D/s relationships (but not all) involve fetish elements, that is involving some aspects like: pain; humiliation, control, bondage, exhibitionism, sexually explicit clothing, rules as well as fantasy recreations of such as: imprisonment, abduction, and forced sex. These elements are generally what is indicated by the initials BDSM - but this is another broad, catch-all phrase. This is due to the fact both D/s and BDSM are associated with a related series of human responses and emotions, and that to do BDSM role play involves control. However I think it is also due to the fact that a D/s structure to a relationship facilitates the exploration of taboo areas - it provides a framework and an emotional license. The D partner is freed from normal constraints of what is socially acceptable as a result of being in command, and the s partner is free to experience taboo sensations without feeling guilty about it. It is almost universal for there to be implicit or explicit negotiation about what sort of things the s wants to be "forced" to do.

So although D/s and BDSM are closely associated they are not necessarily connected. There are D/s relationships that do not involve any fetish elements at all, indeed some that do not involve sexual aspects at all. Likewise there are people who use BDSM in their sex or role play without there being any spill over into their day-to-day relationship - they are as assertive in the workplace or with their children as anyone, but submissive in the bedroom (or the reverse). In fact the later (occasionally BDSM play) is far more common in RL than a longer-term D/s structured relationship. In SL the situation is a little bit different since people come to SL to play (in this sense). Thus within SL there are many who enter a longer-term D/s relationship in order to experience BDSM, because for them SL is all play. There are others for whom SL is a part of their "serious" life in some sense - they don’t play but live SL - for them they may choose to have occasional role-play sessions within SL, either with casual partners or within distinct "scenes" with longer-term partners. There are a few, like me, who both live SL and enter a longer-term D/s relationship - this involves a considerable emotional and time commitment, not to mention a responsibility to the safety of their partner(s). There are even a few people who are in long-term ("lifestyle") D/s relationships in RL, but come into SL to explore further!

Yes we are playing with some dark emotions here! Our interaction includes things that are totally taboo in normal life - that would be simply wrong if it were not for the fact that we *both* enjoy it and it is fundamentally consensual (that is either of us could just stop at any time and we are not forced into this by economic or other circumstances). It is also not without psychological dangers - this is very like an "extreme sport", you get the adrenaline rush and excitement but you also need good preparation and safeguards. It is for this reason that some generally agreed norms and procedures have been developed to allow for the exploration of these kinds of experiences at the same time as keeping everybody from serious harm. The three main principles have been given the acronym: SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual - these are overriding principles, that should be taken above any other considerations (such as fun or desire). Any practice should be safe - that is not cause any permanent and/or serious injury to the body of any participant; it should protect sanity - that is not be injurious to the mental health of any participant and it should be fundamentally consensual.

The last of the above three is a little tricky to implement since in play "no don't spank me" might actually really mean "please spank me"! There are several main ways to get around this problem and ensure consent is really and currently given. The first of these is the use of a formal agreement about the limits of control and the kinds of things that the s wants/is willing/is unwilling to experience. There is a common and intimidating list of BDSM practices which some Dommes get their subs to fill in before they start playing/interacting seriously, but it is more common for people to just negotiate in rough terms these likes/dislikes/limitations. The second is the use of a safeword - this is a special word (not "no" or "stop" for obvious reasons) that can be used by either s or D to cause a cease to all activities and initiate communication between partners. This gives a safe guard to both the s (they can stop play if it goes too far) but also to the D partner who can have some reassurance that the sub begging for release before them is actually enjoying it and not really wanting release. Special extensions of this are needed when gags etc are used, but in SL the use of private IM between D and s is an ideal channel for this sort of message and negotiation. The third mechanism is that of an off-line communication medium whereby partner can honestly communicate how they felt about what went on, via a journal accessible to the other, or in the case of SL emails.

"OK, OK so what do D/s people actually do, sexually speaking?" is the obvious question. Well I can't tell you in general, any more than I could tell you what people do together in any other intimate way. I have talked to people, read what people have written, but really I can only talk authoritatively about my own experience. What I do may well not be representative of what others do! I am not aware of any surveys similar to those of normal (sometimes called "vanilla" by D/s folk) sexual behavior. Just like any loving/sexual behavior it is very personal and intimate - depending more than anything on the person you are with, not the actions you take. So I am afraid if you are reading this for intimate details, you are going to be disappointed - retelling what I have done without the loving context it is done in would be simply misleading. Compare the case to trying to understand sex for the first time and only having a dry telling of its mechanics.

For most of my time in SL my sexual relationships have been entirely non-BDSM, that is straight forward lesbian love affairs. I am extremely sensitive to my partner's wishes - there is nothing that gives me deeper pleasure than loving the whole person I care about, including their sexuality. There is a deep joy to be had in satisfying ones partner's sexual fantasies/needs far more than they had ever expected. Loving people like this can make them feel whole - at last they can be loved for who they are as a complete person, including any sexuality that they had previously "boxed-up" in their head as socially unacceptable. Thus I have done some things that might be considered more extreme for the people I care about in SL, including being their sub (which I loved), letting them suck my blood, make love in a closed coffin, and pulling them through public places naked and chained. There are only three rules when it comes to sex: don't harm people, respect and care for your partner, and (if you able) try to satisfy your partner's needs. If an action gives pleasure (especially mutual pleasure), then it can be used to convey love and care. BDSM can be very much a way of both caring and "making love".

Like other sex this can be used for good or ill. There are some selfish, nasty or simply sick people out there being Dommes (or subs) and causing emotional distress to others or themselves - but this is the same as with other relationships. One needs to choose one's partners with care - one does not have sex with anyone (if you are wise) - this is doubly true with D/s or BDSM. Taking time to get to know someone before committing is always a good idea - and if the person is not willing to do this, to put in time and energy developing a deeper relationship then this tells you a lot about that person - D/s is not different in these fundamentals than any other relationship, but based on fundamental respect, care and communication.

I do not pretend that I am acting altruistically in this - I do enjoy domination - otherwise I could not do it well. You can no more pretend to be a Domme or a sub that you can pretend to be a lesbian - it is something that is built into you or not (at least by the time you are an adult). However, because my sexuality is intimately bound up with loving and caring, I can only enjoy it if my partner is as well (just like any sex). I presently have both a normal lover in SL and a devoted sub. I am committed to both these relationships, to caring and loving them in their different ways.

I get great pleasure and joy from caring for and dominating my sub and she gets great pleasure for being cared for and submitting to me. It suits us both. It is a vehicle for our care and love (respectively). It is good. If you want to know whether you have any similar feelings in you, try this simple thing with your partner - try dancing somewhere romantic (an intimate salsa, tango or slow dance is best) but where one of you is handcuffed (the dominatech cuffs available at slexchange.com or Venus (224, 242, 28) are simplest and most effect here because they work well with dance animations) - see how you feel. I have yet to find anyone who does not find it deeply erotic - it is definitely one of my favorites!

San Mauvaise

Resources

If you are genuinely interested in this, I suggest you DO NOT type BDSM into Google and keep your eyes open! That will get you lots of images designed to titillate male fantasy but will not help you understand real D/s and BDSM sexuality. Imagine trying to understand sex by just looking at pornography - it is the same with BDSM.

There are two good books about BDSM, called "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy that go into this in detail. They are mostly concerned with RL and have only one chapter on using the internet and longer-term D/s relationships but still are marked out as being insightful, sensible and humane. (available at amazon, e.g. The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book or at similar bookshops).

I am not going to show pictures of people involved in D/s or BDSM here, for fear of attracting merely prurient interest.

If you think the above is (as Freud characterized it) simply pathological, I suggest you read an article called "Psychology And BDSM: Pathology Or Individual Difference?" at http://ipgcounseling.com/psychology_and_bdsm.html

If you feel this is a part of you (either D or s or both), then I suggest you gradually experiment with someone you love and trust - talking about your experiences together. There are various places in SL that claim to teach D/s and BDSM, but I cannot say that I recommend them since they can only really deal with the mechanics and not the emotional component (which is, after all, the point) - they tend to reinforce stereotypes rather than promote good D/s relationships.

San Mauvaise

Welcome to the Cellar Blog!

2008-04-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

Jilly has kindly set up this blog, which she, I (and maybe others) will use to inform people about new developments, thoughts or anything we feel will be of interest to the members.

If anyone has anything they want to post here, please contact either her or me.

San Mauvaise